• Axl Rosenberg

The sooner you just start thinking of these “Cinemetal Round-Up” columns as Headbanger’s Ball that you can watch anytime without commercials, and as hosted by someone who tells you when he thinks the videos actually gobble blowfish cocks, the better.

And so…

First up today we have a video for the title track from Terror’s latest album, Keepers of the Faith. It’s a pretty average video, but I like Terror and the song is catchy, so I’m willing to cut it some slack. Just this one time, though. After this I expect nothing but Avatardian levels of cinematic innovation… do you hear me, Scott Vogel?

Next is Dew-Scented’s video for “Arise from Decay,” which debuted over at Metal Injection. There’s no way to sugar coat this — it’s a shitty, shitty, boring-ass video for a good song. And there’s nothing else I can really say about it.

Next we have Belphegor’s video for “Impaled Upon the Tongue of Sathan.” I heard a rumor that it was supposed to be “The Tongue of Satan,” but vocalist Helmuth has a lisp and someone at Nuclear Blast fucked up. ANYWAY, the video is grainy and shaky to the point where you almost can’t see anything, but I did spot some titties, which is always nice. If only they weren’t covered in blood… (Oh, yeah — I guess I need to type “NSFW” here, in case the word “titties” didn’t tip you off.)

Next up is Thisorder’s video for Metallica’s video for “The Unforgiven,” which the band is calling “Late Empire” in a bid to make sure that no one notices they’re stealing from one of the most famous bands in the world. Seriously, Thisorder’s music is so dated and terrible I have to imagine that they’ll be announcing a tour with Puddle of Mudd any second now.

Finally, we have “Your Heroes Are Dead,” from Elevenking. The band has a fiddle player, but they’re not viking metal or anything like that — nope, they’re just a typically pussycore band with a fiddler. Plus, the singer has all these scarves tied around his mic stand, which has only ever been cool once (when Steven Tyler did it). And the bassist is wearing those stupid fringed cowboy pants, which immediately makes me wanna see him pull a Krist-Novoselic-at-the-VMAs. But at least there’s some shitty animation in the video, right? That’ll put some butts in those seats!!!


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