Necessary Roughness, Week 18: Championship Weekend: I Absolutely Love ALL the Teams That Play with Balls
Wow. I can’t believe that anybody would actually get upset by anything that I write in this column. I mean, it’s called “Necessary Roughness” and I sing for a band called GWAR. Just because I say I “hate” a team doesn’t mean I hate the town, or the people, or even the team… it’s just me trying to get through 20 weeks of covering the NFL and do it in a fun and lively manner. I love California and all the awesome times I have had there with all of our amazing fans. If a comment as stupid as “California is where homeless people go to shit” really upsets you to the point that you are questioning why you have been going to see GWAR for the past five years then please, stay the fuck home next time we come to town. Truth be told, most homeless people would rather shit in California than just about anywhere in the world. And who can blame them? It’s nice and warm, and you might be discovered by the film industry. Yes, they do make movies about people shitting on each other. What’s that? Those movies come from Germany? Oh… wow, I guess all of Germany is going to be mad at me now. How dare they be mad, they don’t even play football, and also they tried to murder almost the entire world! And I doubt they give a shit (hawhaw); in fact I doubt they will even read this! Seems like some people enjoy seeing others mocked, but only if they and their precious teams are immune. Sorry. Don’t work that way. The sword I wield is two-bladed, and cuts both ways. And believe me, I hurt myself with it all the time. Like just the other day, I stabbed myself in the ass, right when I was taking a big, hard monkey-tail dump. I mean, I could have swung from trees with this thing! It went down like the Titantic.
The point is I love San Francisco, Baltimore, Atlanta, and Boston. All four cities are huge strongholds of GWAR fans that I love and respect and party with and will always do so. I fully realize I owe you guys everything I have and do my best to give it back in return. So if I call your team a bunch of fucktards, please don’t take it personally; your reactions kinda blew me away. I have made a career out of skewering, sodomizing and satirizing just about everything that lives, walks and/or crawls across the surface of this Toilet Earth, but that was the first time that I have received personal emails threatening my life… I guess I must be doing something right!
Colin Kapernick (did I spell that right? [Editor’s Note: nope]) is one weird looking motherfucker. He has a face that simply has no business being on top of that body. He looks like a slightly nebbish hipster with eyes like some kind of hunted desert rodent. Then just add the biggest pair of arms since Johnny Socko and the worst tattoos since… hmmm… I don’t know… Popeye? Colin’s tattoos are so bad that he sets new standards of badness; the only thing that could make them worse would be reading what they say, which is probably the lyrics to a Metallica song, definitely one AFTER the “Black Album.”
But who gives a fuck? Those arms (which are big enough to show movies on) were capable enough to lead the 49ers over the Falcons, 28-24, in a game that was painful to watch and humbling to accept. If you are a Falcons fan! Yeah, I was rooting for the Falcons, but you just knew the Falcons were in trouble when they ran wild over the Niners in the first half, then couldn’t score a point in the second. The Football Gods did everything they could to get the Falcons back in the game but it simply was not to be. The Niners, one of the NFL’s classic franchises, are in the motherfucking Super Bowl, which is in New Orleans this year; look out! It’s tempting to go just to hang around Nawlins for the party. Hell, there won’t have been that many people at the SuperDome parking lot since Hurricane Katrina!
It’s hard not to feel bad for the annual choke-fest that is the Atlanta Falcons — especially after one of the worst roughing-the-passer calls in NFL history — but you simply cannot score zero points in the second half and expect to do anything except FAIL. The Niners gave the Dirty Birds every chance to get back into that game and the offense simply never responded. And then to miss Tony Gonzales wide open in the end zone on what would have been a game-winning touchdown… no wonder he was crying. Look for Tony to be back. So now the Falcons are the Bills of the NFC, just worse, and one of the few teams I was right about all season.
But we still had half of the days action to go as the Ravens and the Patriots went at it in Foxborough. For some reason the Ray Lewis show was nowhere near as annoying as it usually is and we actually had a pretty competitive game until the physical nature of the Ravens — behind human pit-bull Ray Rice and their trademark suffocating defense — simply wore the Pats down to the point that they just couldn’t get back in the game. The Pats offense just couldn’t get it going and some critical drops and a couple of picks sealed their doom. Meanwhile Flacco was spot-on, overcoming a shaky start and then grinding it out to a 28-13 Ravens victory and ensuring their first appearance in the Super Bowl in eleven years. Now maybe the Pats will listen to me and go back to the old helmets.
So there ya go. Not counting the Pro Bowl, we’ve got just one game left — the game of games — The Super Bowl. And when you look at it we really do have a good one coming up. First of all, we don’t have to watch Bellichek act like a petulant child when he loses. Secondly, we can stare at Colin’s arms and try to figure out what the fuck they say. It might be interesting…maybe he wrote his own poetry, and it doesn’t suck. We have the halftime show, and the commercials, and finally the game itself, a showdown between two coasts, two styles of QB, and finally two brothers (I really think they should make the coaches play one down against each other). This week I have made a point of ignoring all negative sports stories (because if nobody reported on them, nobody would care!) and I will be looking forward to a great game. I look for the Ravens to win in what should be a hell of a game, even without the Bud Bowl. Who is playing the halftime show? As long as its not the Black-Eyed Peas, we are all set!