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Westboro Baptist Church to Picket Jeff Hanneman Memorial Celebration in Los Angeles

  • Axl Rosenberg

Hanneman WBC Counter Protest

Following the death of Jeff Hanneman earlier this month, The Westboro Baptist Church announced plans to picket his funeral using a parody of Ozzy Osbourne’s “Crazy Train” (chorus: “You’re going to straight to Hell on a crazy train!”); since Hanneman’s family seems to have done a spectacular job of keeping the details of the late guitarist’s funeral under wraps, I have no idea if that happened or not. No matter: now the WBC says they’re going to picket the just-announced memorial celebration for Hanneman which will take place in Los Angeles next week:

And maybe it’s the nice weather, but I’m actually not feeling all that upset by this news. Instead, I choose to look at it as an opportunity: we know now exactly where and when the WBC is going to be and can stage some form of counter-protest! Here are some random thoughts I had off the top of my head for such an event:

  1. Write lyrics for our own stupid parody song, set to the melody of “Amazing Grace” (chorus: something along the lines of “Cum on your face/How sweet the pound”)
  2. Purchase Doc Brown-sized speakers, crank Hanneman’s greatest hits at a volume guaranteed to induce tinnitus.
  3. Someone pose as a new WBC convert and covertly plant cocaine on multiple protesters. Proceed to tip off cops.
  4. Send in Jews for Jesus to try and convert members of the WBC — nobody likes those dudes.
  5. Public gay orgy (may require special permit).
  6. Place signs that read “This Protest Proudly Sponosred by Jägermeister” all around the protest — in a way, it would actually be kinda/sorta true.
  7. Everyone cut themselves across their palm and flick blood at the protesters while screaming “I have AIDS! I have AIDS!” (note: actual AIDS patients not required)
  8. Notify irrational Tim Lambesis supporters that Meggan Lambesis is a member of the WBC and will be attending the protest.
  9. No metal fans actually show up for memorial celebration, instead just napalm the whole area.
  10. Ignore all members of the WBC via the extremely mature “Hey, do you hear something?”/”Must be the wind!” method, watch as they cry due to lack of media attention.

Of course, I’m totally open to other suggestions, too. Any ideas???

[via Lambgoat]

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