Scott Stapp Thought He Was a CIA Agent Assigned to Kill President Obama

This according to Stapp’s soon-to-be-ex-wife, Jaclyn, in a 911 call which has now been made public thanks to TMZ. You can listen to it below, but the short version, as explained by Metal Insider, is that Mrs. Stapp called the cops because her husband was “riding a bike around the neighborhood with a stack of documents he [thought made] him a CIA agent,” and that he thought he his assignment as a CIA agent was to assassinate President Barack Obama. So, basically, either Scott Stapp has lost his fucking mind, or has once again proven crack to be a classier drug than meth, or has been brainwashed by Dave Mustaine and Ted Nugent. I doubt it’s that last one, though.

I know what you’re thinking: “Be fair, Axhole! Why should we take Jaclyn Stapp’s word for it? How do you know she’s not the crazy one?!?!” Well, I will concede that Jaclyn Stapp probably is crazy (after all, she willingly let Scott Stapp put his penis inside of her). But Mr. Stapp’s own 911 call, in which he tries to get the cops to arrest Jaclyn for stealing the car they mutually own and unironically uses the phrase “I can’t believe in America…”, only adds to the impression that this guy is so far off his rocker he’d need a spaceship just to get back on it:

Remarkably, despite all of this, Stapp’s name was absent from yesterday’s list of Golden Globe nominees in the category of “Best Actor in a Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy.” As though ANYONE has been funnier than Scott Stapp in 2014!