Necrophagist will neither release nor announce a new album.
Tool will neither release nor announce a new album.
System of a Down will neither release nor announce a new album.
Genghis Tron will neither release nor announce a new album.
Lake Bukkake will neither release nor announce a new album.
Gojira will neither release nor announce the release of the Sea Shepherd EP.
Ozzy will continue to not make albums with Gus G.
The new Megadeth album will suck.
The new Slayer album will suck.
If Metallica release a new album, it will suck.
The new Anthrax album will not suck.
The new Testament album will not suck.
The new Nails album will not suck.
The new Thy Art is Murder album will suck.
The new Thy Art is Murder album will sell ten times as many copies as the new Nails album.
The new Faith No More album will be divisive.
The new Coal Chamber album will be pretty much the worst thing ever.
The new Hate Eternal album will be pretty much the best thing ever.
Morbid Angel’s new album will be totally mediocre, but we’ll all be so relieved it doesn’t sound like Ilud Divinum Insanus that we’ll fawn all over it and call it “a return to form.”
Ozzy Osbourne won’t be sure where he is or why he’s there.
We still won’t have any idea where the hell Jason Newsted disappeared to.
Guns N’ Roses will not reunite…
…but Axl Rose will go for seconds at the Make Your Own Sundae bar.
The Faceless will go through seven line-up changes.
The Black Dahlia Murder will go through one line-up change, but they won’t publicly announce it for three months.
Guy Kozowyk will use the phrase “Not for nothing” during conversation.
Gunface will announce seventeen new projects.
Max Cavalera will appear on one out of every three metal releases.
Metallica will become the first band to ever play at a mental institution, but will somehow forget to play “Welcome Home (Sanitarium).”
Things say Clown sense from no will Slipknot that make.
Scott Stapp will claim that his wife was abducted by aliens and the woman currently divorcing him is an impostor.
The If Hope Dies reunion everyone has been waiting for!
The A Dozen Furies reunion everyone has been waiting for!
The Diecast reunion everyone has… oh, apparently they’re still together. Who knew?
While promoting the new Malevolent Creation album, Phil Fasciana will grant a video interview to some kid with an iPhone and a YouTube channel. During the course of the interview, his costume will slip off, thus confirming everyone’s suspicions that he is, indeed, just a donkey in a human suit.
The Mötley Crüe reunion tour will extend into 2018.
Matt Pike: now featuring fewer shirts than ever.
The world will remember, then forget again about The HAARP Machine.
The singer from Mushroomhead will make his acting debut in a straight-to-video horror movie no one will ever see.
Marilyn Manson will finally say “Fuck it” and release a duet with actor Josh Saviano.
One member of BABYMETAL will be fired from the group after getting her first training bra.
Motograter will tour with Adema and American Head Charge. No one will go.
Phil Anselmo, Vinnie Paul, Rex Brown, and Zakk Wylde will be asked about a Pantera “reunion” a combined 150,690,487 times.
It turns out that Devin Townsend actually is an alien.
It turns out that Bruce Dickinson actually does have Benjamin Button disease.
I’ll be forced to say something polite about Attila after Chris Fronzak is crippled by a tragic hair product accident.
One of the members of Black Veil Brides will finally score the cover of Revolver’s Hottest Chicks in Hard Rock issue.
Mermaids are the new owls.
Ghost will announce a “new” singer, Papa Emeritus IX (or whatever they’re up to now). Everyone will cream themselves and declare it the funniest thing ever.
Someone will ask us to please take this blog post down.