Fear, Emptiness, Decibel: Fantasy Casting Choosing Death: The Movie
Before there were blogs there were these things called magazines, and the only metal magazine we still get excited about reading every month is Decibel. Here’s managing editor Andrew Bonazelli…
Two days ago, we ran a post on the Deciblog about the Lords of Chaos movie, which is about to become an actual thing that—let’s face it—you’re going to watch (very likely hate-watch, but watch nonetheless). You see, when this project was first announced—almost 10 fucking years ago—we ran a piece in Decibel #015 mock-casting the LOC movie. Everyone seemed to enjoy when we revived it on the blog (and/or express confused outrage at the casting of Hilary Swank as Dead), so we figured, hey, we have our own authoritative tome on a metal subgenre (subgenres, to be accurate), so why not do the same for the recently reissued Choosing Death: The Improbable History of Death Metal & Grindcore ? Nobody’s beating down our door to make this a 2017 summer tentpole—NOT EVEN WES ANDERSON—so here’s our dream cast for Choosing Death: The Movie.
SHANE EMBURY : MARK BOONE, JR.
Hair we go! Bass is the place for the Sons of Anarchy/Batman Begins role player.
JEFF WALKER : KEITH URBAN
The American Idol judge/Aussie heartthrob often co-writes with the equally legendary Richard Marx, but we reckon he’s been itching to scrub off his pretty boy persona… down in Carcass Cuntry!
JUSTIN BROADRICK : HUNTER PENCE
I was going to go with a man of gravitas here—say, an Edward Norton or Michael Fassbender—but sometimes you gotta swing for the fences and give a gangly kid with heart the role of a lifetime.
MICK HARRIS : COLIN FARRELL
A thousand words: spoken. Bonus: they have both historically pissed a lot of people off!
DAVID VINCENT : CRISS ANGEL
An unnamed somebody in this office told me that this particular casting choice was “way too flattering.” Moving on…
CHRIS REIFERT : SEAN PENN
I like to think a lot of us looked like Spicoli when we were young. I know a lot of us still behave like him, Rogaine or no.
BLAKE HARRISON : JIM GAFFIGAN
“You can have a Hot Pocket for breakfast, a Hot Pocket for lunch, and be dead by dinner.”
CHUCK SCHULDINER : ALBERT MUDRIAN
Hey, it’s Albert’s book—he gets to play the beloved creative genius hero who passes before his time. (Okay, I’m stretching here… uh, they both like cats.)
The revised and expanded edition of Choosing Death: The Improbable History of Death Metal & Grindcore is available EXCLUSIVELY here.