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Friday 5: Reunited And It Feels So Bad

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Happy Friday, MetalSucks reader! Welcome to MetalSucks Friday 5, our awesome series that appears every Friday (duh) on MetalSucks (duhh) and involves the quantity of five (duhhh).

Here’s how it works: A list of best/worst/weirdest/whatever five somethings is posted by one of your beloved MetalSucks contributors or by one of our buds (like you!). Then you, our cherished reader, checks it out, has a chuckle, then chimes in with a list of the same. No sweat, just whatever springs to mind, k? (Just like that movie about those losers working at a Chicago record store!) After all, it’s Friday — the day dedicated by the gods to mindless, fun time-wasting. 

Here we go!

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THE FIVE

What band reunions didn’t go quite as you had hoped?

THE LISTER

Anso DF, MetalSucks Senior Editor

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Guns ‘N Roses
2016
Desired members: 3/5

Fans of GnR, does your eye kinda twitch every time the new Axl-Slash-Duff band is called “Guns ‘N Roses”? Are you baffled by the weirdly small amount of discussion re: Izzy and Adler? When it was announced that Axl had broken his foot, did you exclaim ‘Are you shitting me!’ ? If so, then you may someday conclude that the worst has happened: An epic reunion turned out crappy. Two keyboard players, why?

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Van Halen
2006-2015?
Desired members: 3/4

It hurt to encounter the incontrovertible proof that the Van Halens wish us suffering. In 1998, they had hit a dead end with their replacement for Hagar and then again with Hagar, so finally their non-retirement option was a reunion with David Lee Roth. Yet, they couldn’t stand to be perceived as crowd-pleasers, so at risk is their dignity, for they erased bassist Michael Anthony. Which is like, why? What are you even paying him, scale? To twist the knife, they filled that vacancy with one of their teen sons; the kid’s an okay dude, but even he must see how concertgoers might avoid ever looking in his direction. They attend rock concerts to forget about the unfairness of life, get the fuck off the stage.

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The Crown
2010, 2015
Desired members: 4/5, 3/5

After one awesome album with vocals by Tomas Lindberg (ex-At The Gates at that point), The Crown needed a new screamer. They re-hired Johan Lindstrand, the guy that fronted The Crown for four albums that range from great to mind-blowing; and their next album post-Lindberg is a first-ballot hall of famer titled Possessed 13. Each of those changes worked out awesome. The Crown’s next two changes did not. In 2010, The Crown with new screamer Jonas Stalhammar released an album that started as a side project by bassist Magnus Osfelt. Last year, The Crown released a new album with Lindstrand but awesome lead guitarist Marcus Sunesson didn’t get the call and their awesome drummer tapped out. The latter was replaced by a drum machine for that album and by Implode drummer Henrik Axelsson for a handful of live dates. They have bad luck. So do their fans.

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At The Drive-In
2012, 2016
Desired members: 4.5/5, 4/5

In Megadeth, it’s all but assured that the culprit behind any shenanigans is Dave Mustaine. In At The Drive-In, it could be anybody.

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Black Sabbath
2011
Desired members: 3/4

It’s easy to admire smooth reunions like Iron Maiden and Bad Religion. Upon the return of their glory-era guitarists, each band moved to keep his replacement too. That’s thrice as nice. But few reunions are so graceful, most resemble the GNR mess, all out of shape and pairing guys like Slash with guys like Richard Whoever. Or Tony Iommi and Geezer Butler with Tommy Something and Greg Fiddleballs. A steak served on a bed of sweatpants.

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Your turn! Have a great wknd!

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