Ask Anton OyVey

ASK ANTON OYVEY

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Hi there my children, it’s your favorite metalhead rabbi, Anton OyVey. Thanks for submitting all your questions to me over here at the Metalsucks Mansion. Axl and Vince took hours scouring through the thousands upon thousands of desperate pleas for help and asked me to answer these lucky few below. Enjoy my pearls (or is it really perils) of wisdom, and remember… don’t mix your milk and your meat!

“Dear Anton,

“A female friend of mine hooked up with this jerk. They even started living together a few weeks ago. I was wondering, what metal lyric describes the best way to make him disappear? Help! You’re the only one I can turn to!

“Love,
A desperate F”

Well, the easy thing to do here would be for me to go onto Google and search “Anal Cunt lyrics”… so I did. But honestly, I don’t remember moving in with your friend a few weeks ago; and I am not sure how you tracked me down here. Oh, you’re not talking about me? It must be that Catholic asshole “Metal Monk” trying to steal my women again.

Anyway, these lyrics should make him, or anyone, disappear (especially if you act this out, though it is DEFINITELY NOT KOSHER):

“I Ate Your Horse” by Anal Cunt

Your dad took out a second mortgage to buy you a horse
You loved it, and took better care for it than yourself
You command it, cleaned it, and fed it apples every day
I was broke, drunk, and hungry, so I killed your horse, and ate it

I ate your horse, I ate your horse, I ate your horse, I ate your horse

“Dear sir,

“I have two questions:

“1. Why are Jews fascinated/love all pork products? Is it really just the whole forbidden thing, or is there something deeper, and perhaps more metal, behind this phenomenon?

“2. Why do Jews either become Deadheads or Metalheads?

Thanks,
Christina”

Two questions? I didn’t realize there was a “Buy One Get One Free” sale already here at Metalsucks? I mean, I never pay retail either, but Axl and Vince never told me they were giving out coupons already.

Well, to answer question #1, lets go back and take a look at the
passage in Leviticus, Chapter 11…

1. The LORD said to Moses and Aaron,
2. “Speak to the Israelites and tell them: Of all land animals these
are the ones you may eat:
3. any animal that has hoofs you may eat, provided it is cloven-
footed and chews the cud.
4. But you shall not eat any of the following that only chew the cud
or only have hoofs: the camel, which indeed chews the cud, but does
not have hoofs and is therefore unclean for you;
5. the rock badger, which indeed chews the cud, but does not have
hoofs and is therefore unclean for you;
6. the hare, which indeed chews the cud, but does not have hoofs and
is therefore unclean for you; and the pig,
7. which does indeed have hoofs and is cloven-footed, but does not
chew the cud and is therefore unclean for you.
8 Their flesh you shall not eat, and their dead bodies you shall not
touch; they are unclean for you.

Seriously, couldn’t those be the most metal lyrics you’ve ever heard? Now, the thing is, the “rock badger” (which will be the name of the next band I start) is a tasty dish, as is “the hare.” So, it would be hypocritical and very un-metal, not to feast on the pork (or
Shiksas) as well.

Now, for question #2, I had to do some thinking and came up with the answer – Jewish people have the longest attention span (that’s what she said) out of any other religion. I hate to ruin your day, but in my deep research I found that both the Grateful Dead and most of your favorite metal bands have something in common… very long songs. Take 30 minutes of “drum space” on any Dead bootleg and compare it to any song from a Southern Lord band and see what you get. So, what does this mean? Basically it comes down to comfortable fashion. Some like their cotton t-shirts in tie-dye (unfortunately), and others like a little more blood on their black. But whichever way you choose, the best fashion statement is definitely Kosher Klothing.

“Is it cool to wear the t-shirt of the band you are seeing at their concert? – Joey Fatoney”

Is it cool to wear white jeans after labor day? I have no idea, but who the hell wears white jeans anywhere except at a Motley Crue show in any city between NYC and LA (well, you can include Long Island in there also)? If said person dares to wear white jeans, then they
(and ONLY they) can wear the band’s shirt at the concert. Only exception, Megan Fox:

“Are you ok with one night stands? Even if the chick is drunk?
What about friends with benefits? Is pre marital sex ok? – Pat Egan”

Back in the days of the Old Testament (the book that is, not the days of “The Legacy” and “The New Order”), women were not treated fairly and it has taken thousands of years to correct this. But I’ve been researching your questions above every night for years now (tiring, tiring years) and came up with a new method of decision-making called WWMJGTOM, which stands for “What Would My Jewish Grandmother Think Of
Me?”

One-night stands – probably not a good idea, unless the girl happenes to be your friend’s prom date from 20 years ago. It is good to study your friends past and learn more about them.

Chick is drunk – never, unless it is on Manishevitz wine… and if you meet a girl that can drink enough of that to actually get drunk, you should probably marry her as well.

Friend With Benefits – any good Jew knows to take ANYTHING with benefits.

Pre-Marital Sex – what am I, Catholic?

“Megadeth or Metallica? – Andres”

Why when it comes to the best “Me”tal band, people always have to go to “Me”tallica or “Me”gadeth. Come on now, we don’t want to become like the commoners out there in the world and have to choose sides now, do we? Republican or Democrat? Blonde or Brunette? One shot of Jager or two shots of Jager? (Note to Jager – feel free to sponsor me for this free call out.)

Lets just have our cake (preferably ruggalah) and eat it to. Take both bands. And while you are at it, pick up some of these awesome bands that begin with “Me”:

Meshuggah – The greatest Yiddish Metal band ever.
Men At Work – What is more metal than a band from the homeland of AC/DC? Nothing!
Melvins – One day, my hair will look like the singer’s.
Metal Church – What are you, 18? Go download “Fake Healer” and feel the magic.
Metric – Ok, its indie-rock, but Emily Haines is pretty hot (its metal to like hot chicks).
Meathook Seed – Look at their former and past members and decide.
Mercyful Fate – King Diamond would eat Lars for breakfast and Dave for a mid-afternoon snack.

-AO

Got a question for metal’s most revered rabbi? Anton OyVey is all seeing and all knowing. E-mail him at antonoyvey [at] metalsucks.net, or just leave your query in the comments section below!

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