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FUNNY PHOTO CAPTION CONTEST: WIN NEW CDs FROM NACHTMYSTIUM, TERROR AND HAIL OF BULLETS

 Friday, August 8th, 2008 at 3:19pm by

black metal dancing dudeLast week’s Funny Photo Caption Contest (pictured, right) was another rousing laugh with a shitload of funny entries. Of five total winners, one grand-prize winner will receive a signed CD of The Human Abstract’s new record Midheaven (which hits stores August 19th) as well as a Human Abstract T-shirt, and four will get a regular ol’ Human Abstract CD. Here are the four runners-up:

  • Pease Hode: “As you can see, Winds of Plague shows get crazy!”
  • Follow4Now: “From the exclusive web only release “SNL skits done metal: My dick in a cold, dark black metal box by Justin Timberlake.”
  • James: “Stop! Hellhammer time.”
  • BKudler: “The next logical progression in Nu-Metal: Death Pop and Locking.”

And the grand prize goes to…

  • Hegster: “…and the crowd gazed upon Lars Ulrich as he tried to devour the dollar symbol they’d cleverly placed around his neck as he bounded and twirled in his new pants made from the broken dreams of hundreds of gen x metal heads, blissfully unaware that he could use his hands for anything other than air-drumming to Trivium’s “The Crusade”.”

ZING! This week’s winner will receive 3 CDs; Nachtmystium’s Assassins: Black Meddle Pt. 1; Terror’s The Damned, The Shamed, and Hail of Bullets’ …Of Frost and War. Just come up with a funny caption to the below photo, and they’re all yours.

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  • Alex

    Kobe, How’s my ass taste?

  • Jim

    And here we see one of the denizens of the worlds scariest pickle park lurking in the bushes awaiting action!

  • CC Rox

    Oh where in the world can a self-respecting death metaller find themselves a decent fucking Christmas tree these days?

  • jesse

    @CC Rox

    LMAO.. fucking classic.

  • Follow4now

    “You look like the business end of a sheep on Juggalo drink free nite ” as Trent says while in the 24 Walmart @ 2:00am in the lawn and garden section.

  • jesse

    Digital Camera: $100

    Tickets to see Dimmu Borgir: $40

    Drinks for the night: $40

    Seeing a 30 year old with man boobs in corpse paint
    shit his pants in the parking lot: Priceless

  • TheCount

    And yet some people were actually shocked when Gaahl turned out to be gay…

  • Follow4now

    You look like the business end of a sheep on Juggalo drink free nite ” as Trent says while at the 24hr Walmart @ 2:00am in the lawn and garden section.

  • Follow4now

    @Jesse S’nice!!!!

  • Dr. Satan

    His Mother was a raccoon. His father, Dani Filth.

  • d.o.g.o.b.g.y.n.

    Stupidity, by Calvin Klein

  • CC Rox

    @jesse hahahaha – nice answer!

  • Harris

    WWE’s newest wrestling champion : The KORN-hole!!. With intro music “Freak on a Leash”

  • The Mighty Fucking Quinn

    “….and later tonight on Saturday Night Fights, we’ll see if the world of MMA is ready for Norway’s brand of extreme when the Scandinavian King of Ju Jitsu, Ballgargle, tries to unleash the hellhammer on Kimbo Slice.”

    LMAO @ Dr. Satan’s response.

  • CC Rox

    Finland’s Olympic Gold Metal dreams were dashed when their most intimidating Table Tennis player to date missed his flight to Beijing.

  • http://www.pro-jikts.com Nickmeister

    A black metal GG Allin waiting to pounce you, fuck your asshole, and force you to suck his tities.

    *Yack*

  • banter

    With the ’08 election right around the corner, P. Diddy has financed a new “Vote or Die” campaign.

  • b-rad

    oh look! King Diamond’s mongoloid nephew learned how the self timer works!

  • Will

    Crickey mate! Here we see a black metal fanatic! Very rare that we’d catch one of these away from his mother’s basement. Notice the corpse paint he’s used on his face to hide his atrocious facial features and complexion. Also notice he only has one spiked wristband on, but makes up for it with the pentagram necklace, seems like he’s waiting for his allowance to get another one. We can also see that his pants are unbuttoned, as he is most likely beating off to copies of Burzum’s Hvis Lyset Tar Oss. He tries to intimidate us by screaming, but don’t worry. Underneath it all, he’s just a massive pussy.

  • John

    Go, go Darkthrone Rangers! Go, go Darkthrone Rangers! Go, go Darkthrone Rangers! Mighty Hungering Darkthrone Rangers!

  • Stokes

    Poison Sumac is FUCKING METAL!

  • cink

    That’s probably what Mr.T would look if he was white. He’s got the letter ‘T’ upside down on his forehead and everything.

  • Luchador

    GET THAT CORN OUT OF MY FACE!!

  • http://www.myspace.com/riffcompelsme riffcompelsme

    Dammit Steve, don’t take pictures. I still haven’t put my face on yet! Now, where are the carpenter’s nails for my gauntlet?

  • http://www.myspace.com/riffcompelsme riffcompelsme

    You want to see what Ladder Up An Ass looks like live? Well, here you go!

  • hegster

    using modern technology we can replicate the final image seen by Rhys Walsh before his untimely demise in 1992.

  • Beams19

    When I get my hands on that kid who’s been ringing my doorbell at 2 o’clock in the morning, I’m gonna really show him who’s the boss of this neighborhood

  • http://www.myspace.com/bettyd420 Renee

    Men will go to extreme measures when they get jungle fever…

  • http://www.conorschaefer.com/blog/ Conor

    I hereby nominate Will’s comment for the win, formulaic though it may be.

    Dude looks like an exhibit in the Creationist Museum.

  • jesse

    @Conor

    It would have been funnier with a “I’m going to stick my thumb right up his butthole. It’s really going to piss ‘eem off!” reference.

  • Sablis

    “Simon only dared to put on his corpse paint in the forest, because he knew if his mother saw him, she would be very upset!”

    “A recent discovery of a new species in the forests of Norway, the black metal poser.”

    After a night of heavy drinking, Simon put on his war paint and headed for the forest while screaming: “Damn trees, you dare mock me?! I’ll kill every last one of you with my bare fists!”

  • David Bee Roth

    “Los Inviernos” pioneered their singular vision of crafting black metal inspired by the cruel world of Mexican wrestling but after the release of their highly influential demos “A Tenth Round Neverending” and “Tag Team Bloodpact” they faded quickly into obscurity.

  • Throat

    A dozen good men died to capture this image of the elusive Kong Diamond.

  • Follow4now

    Batman: Dark Knight outakes: Heath Ledger says “why waste the make up?” as he preps for an all night karaoke festival singing hits from Dimmu Borgir in central park.

  • Follow4now

    The last thing the monkey saw before the birth of a sub genre of metal: Jungle CORE!

  • Drew

    “Did YOU steal my other arm thingy?!…I bet you’re the same one that stole my pants that actually fit me properly, as well.”

  • Follow4now

    In this months issue of Kerrang! : The rare cross breed of Glenn Danzig and King Diamond found wondering in the Cahulawassee River area.

  • Walker

    “What Michael Jackson did for the one glove, I”M gonna do for the gay ass black armband”

  • blen genton

    AAAAGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!! hey look how hard it is to hold in my stomach. with zee power of satan it shall be!!! GGGGRRRRR……..

  • John

    Beeeeefcaaaakeeee!!!!

  • enemyofgod72

    RISE! Rise my virgin brothers, Rise! For tonight we will shall conquer our fears! Tonight we will find the fabled passed out chick and we shall awake, VIRGINS NO MORE!!!

  • enemyofgod72

    How many GD times do I have to tell you guys?! Wednesday’s are F’in Black Metal Night,ok, and this is the 3rd damn week in a row you three have shown up in your Stryper gear! I mean are you guys really that stupid or am I just the leader of the gayest metal group ever!!!

  • http://www.overhypedcrap.blogspot.com Bkudler

    Is Infernus doing a Rambo re-make and Sylvester Stalone is in the latest incarnation of Gorgoroth? Or does Stalone just look like he’s always wearing corpsepaint at this point?

  • n20verdose

    I didnt know the wachutus were biters!

  • Ciaran

    I’m old mans child bitch!

  • Steve

    Pictured here is the (not so) famous black metaller Bob/Instigator of Necrosodomy and Goat Sacrifice. Bob placed the upside down cross on his forehead in the vain attempt at not being sued by Gene Simmons. He plans on burning that cross into his forehead and buying a Mayhem shirt, but only after his band (Blackened Dark Hate Forest Funeral) manages to sell more than 10 demos.

  • Bill

    GROUNDED? BUT MOM, I NEEDED YOUR MAKEUP FOR A MYSPACE PICTURE!

  • The Greys

    “You dare to steal Count Bong’s satanic weed?!!? Prepare to die!”

  • http://www.hibernum.net hibernum

    El luchador satanico con un Piledriver! Dios mio!

  • Muttweiler

    Have a fun time at the waterpark, Susie. And, by the way Trent if you don’t have her back by 10:00 I will eat your fucking brains after I’m done fisting your pimply ass, guess which fist?

  • http://360.yahoo.com/my_profile-tJWxA488frLWAp.lbEXlvmQ7PUw0lw--?cq=1 Beams19

    KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • stompbox69xxx

    “Barney! My Pebbles!”

  • Derek

    “you see this, blake judd, this the face of a true black metal fan”

  • Malacoda

    Having completely botched the investigation, the police chose to blame the innocent Varg Vikernes in the case “The Rape and Murder of Bard Faust” while the true culprit, Suspect 2, remained at large.

  • jonowev

    “Recent convert to black metal Dave waits patiently in the bushes for the church-goers to finish their evensong”

  • bob

    “CHEESEGRINDER!!!”

    Why did’nt “stop. Hellhammer time” win last time? it was much better than the winner

  • jaime

    well steve, I don’t see why we can’t go see Wykked Wytch and visit the arboretum in the same night.

  • CT

    This is what happens when gene simmons goes on tour with insane clown posse

  • canea

    Pale Botany’s new album “Hail Horticulture” wasn’t expected to sell well beyond the Shrub Metal niche.

  • Malacoda

    Having completely botched the investigation, the police convicted Varg Vikernes in the case of “The Rape and Murder of Bard Faust” while the true culprit, Suspect #2, remained at large.

  • Scott

    And here we see a prime example of the indigenous Norwegian, of the primal Dimmu Borgir Tribe. This adolescent has finally reached adulthood, and must, as Tribal Law requires, pass his final step to becoming a hunter. After donning the ceremonial warpaint, take notice the tear markings falling from his eyes, he must perform a successful raindance in order to bring goodwill and appease the Mighty Spirit, and thus bring his family wealth and pride withing the tribe. Crikey, it’s just beautiful witnessing this celebration of maturity.

  • jaime

    scott wins. hands down!

  • dale schmucker

    I ‘m glad I got my pecker back in my pants and my zipper up before the police arrived to watch me piss on my ” good home grown weed.” thank god!!!

  • tmack

    Insane Clown Pussy

  • thestormmaster

    I just acheived my dream by giving King Diamond a blow job. YES!

  • tmack

    Sources say that as a part of Satan’s plan to soften his image, he has began sending a delegation of dead Juggalos to work in the children’s birthday party industry. Many industry insiders call the move “gayer than a metalhead at a disturbed concert”.

  • Dress to Depress

    Rick Moranis in “Honey, I Shrunk the Satanist!”

  • http://www.myspace.com/miksha Fritz!

    After getting kicked out of the legendery boyband Take That, Robbie Williams was desperate to get his career back on track… At one point he even tried out for the Insane clown posse!

  • Tommy Leebowitz

    I’m going to sacrifice whoever it was that spilled goat’s blood on my Ficus!!!

  • DLT

    As Tim & his buddy Bill lay in wait on Halloween night for children to steal candy from, they had a revelation… This was a pretty fucking silly thing for a couple of 30 year olds to do. So as they packed up to go home Tim proclaimed “One last picture! For old time sake!”

  • James

    Exiled from his village and fellow band mates for admitting out loud to enjoying the new Metallica song, Blahgrog took refuse in darkest forest he knew of to begin recording a journal of his thoughts

    “Day the first – I wish i wore a t-shirt…boyakka boyakka 666-19″

  • PD

    This is the failure that occurs when mixing skinhead punks, WWE wrestling, and a new found interest in Black Metal.

  • Stacey

    “So this one time, at band camp…”

  • Daniel

    this is the last picture the 12 year old victim could take before toby took all his clothes off and anally blasted the little boy.

  • Dr J

    That doesn’t even look like bigfoot………

  • Stardog5

    I’m so Metal it Hurts!!!

  • Soulfly01

    So this is my father trying to bond with me. He said and I quote “I noticed that you are a black metal fan, Im pretty black metaller myself” and he showed me that picture.

  • tick terd

    Check it “Queen Cubic Zirconium” got his album “Head” Hunter for sale on consignment at spencers gifts in the mall.

  • Branden

    “hey is that Jeff? Hey…that is Jeff!” “Hey Honey you know that priest from the church down the street…..you might want to take a look at this.”

  • http://www.asimplecomplex.com sadchild

    vocalist looking for band. can’t sing but can scream like a cat with its tail in a blender. influences include kiss, king diamond, insane clown posse, mushroomhead, celexa, ritalin, vicodin. my friend knows this guy whose cousin lives down the street from the drummer in ill nino so we’re totally getting signed.

  • http://www.metalsucks.net DeaThrash

    I called the witch doctor and said I was in love with you
    then the witch doctor he told me what to do
    he said “Ooo Eee Ooo Ahh Ahh Ting Tang Walla Walla Bing Bang”
    and that means I love you

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  • http://webnolog.com/ Hüseyin Kafkas

    i dont like

  • http://www.MichaelJacksonTickets.org.uk Jackson Tickets

    I’ve never given this a try, but I think it’s about time I do.

  • http://www.MichaelJacksonTickets.org.uk Michael

    Haha ^^ nice, is there a section to follow the RSS feed

  • Justin

    Haha that is the dude from Crebain.