Ask Anton OyVey

ASK ANTON OYVEY

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Hey! Now Anton OyVey has a Facebook page! Check it out and then read below for another edition of “Ask Anton Oyvey,” in which the MetalSucks rebbi answers all your toughest questions…

“Shabbat Shalom, Rebbe,

“As a teenager, I would come home from yeshiva and immediately throw on some Iron Maiden, Rhapsody, In Flames, or other metal deities, and crank the volume up to eser. When abba, the alter cocker, came home, he would rant and rave, ‘Gevalt, why must my son have such loud noise all the time??’

“The Torah says I should honor my father, but I don’t want to disrespect Bruce Dickinson. What to do, what to do?

“Your Hasidicore Pal,

“Metal Mendy”

I can understand your situation my friend. As a younger Anton, I used to have the same complaints being shouted around my house. What I suggest you do is the following:

  • Rig it up with a guitar pickup
  • Buy a sick distortion pedal
  • Play away!

Your dad will be so disturbed, that he’ll end up happy you listen to bands like Rhapsody… though most of the general public is still asking why you would listen to them, come on, there are so many better cheesy power metal bands out there:

Also, what is more metal that playing a distorted ram’s horn?

“Is it metal to like Matisyahu??? – Andres”

No, but it is metal to like Yidcore though.

“Is it still metal to listen to the beatles and led zeppelin and then after that to listen to slayer and cannibal corpse – Tyler”

Metal people are always open-minded, so of course it is totally metal to listen to all those bands. I’ve even heard that Cannibal Corpse got the idea for their song “Fucked With A Knife” after listening to The Beatles “Yellow Submarine”…true story. Hell, it is even metal to listen to Tori Amos:

And of course, the perfect answer to your question being Coalesce doing a whole album of Led Zeppelin.

“How many pitchers are in a beer tower? Rev. Dave”

The only thing less metal than knowing the answer to that question is to actually drink from a beet tower. Being that you are a Rev and a man of the cloth, I would expect better from you. The Metalsucks Mansion is no frat house, so go out a get yourself some Manishevitz and do as the jews do, drink it from a shofar:

Yes, this is the second reference to Shofars and Yidcore, but I am sure Vince and Axl will agree with me that we are so excited to know a band exists called Yidcore with an album cover depicting Hitler as a dead pig! [We do, in fact, agree with the all-knowing, all-seeing Anton OyVey. – AR & VN]

Dear Anton,

My parents want me to marry a nice Jewish girl but I’m in love with a shiksa. What should I do?

My son, there has been many a time that I have been tempted by Eve in the garden (and by many, I mean A LOT – and by Eve, I mean shiksas -and by garden, I mean a fine drinking establishment).

Follow your heart my friend, but know that the concept of a Shiksa versus a nice Jewish girl is kind of like the upcoming new Metallica record. There is a lot of excitement for something new and different, but chances are you are just going to go back and listen to “Creeping Death” (which is about Passover if you didn’t know).

Plus, if you marry a nice Jewish girl, your grandparents will keep you in the will, and you can use that money to buy as many metal records as you want!

-AO

Got a question for metal’s most revered rabbi? Anton OyVey is all seeing and all knowing. E-mail him at antonoyvey [at] metalsucks.net, or just leave your query in the comments section below!

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