MetalSucks

Back in 1991, Overkill released an album called “Horrorscope.” 17 years later, the fine folks at MetalSucks have co-opted the title for something its regular readers have been clamoring for — “Heavy Metal Horrorscopes.”

Horoscopes are fucking stupid. There, I said it. Does anyone really believe that everyone in the world fits into one of 12 categories defined by the one-month period in which they were born? Then again, ‘what’s your sign?’ is an OK icebreaker, and if he or she is into astrology and lame pick up lines, horoscopes just might get you laid. Then again, probably not. So let’s get started, and remember — the stars don’t lie, but I do.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Much like Smurfette was the only chick Smurf, Virgo is the only female zodiac sign. Its zodiac symbol is a virgin. So what are they trying to say? The other 11 signs can slut it up, but if you’re born in late August or most of September, you’ve gotta be a promise keeper? And what’s with the double standard that women aren’t allowed to have sex in Zodiac-land? Anyway, you obviously can’t think for yourself, so I’ll tell you what to do for the next month.

Virgo is an earth sign, which means you should probably spark up and listen to some stoner rock – we suggest Earthless, or perhaps Earth. Or listen to both simultaneously and let them cancel each other out. Or go with the chick angle since Virgo’s a female sign and listen to some Crisis, Otep, Arch Enemy, Walls of Jericho, or MetalSucks faves In This Moment and Straight Line Stitch.

You Virgos are analytical and observant, so you should probably observe that I’m not going to give you any real advice. If you’ve really got questions, ask Anton Oyvey – that dude has the answer to everything. You’re also pretty inflexible, so you probably won’t listen to anything him or I tell you. Maybe you’ll listen to a fellow Virgo, the wise sage Dave Mustaine, who once said the immortal words “take no prisoners, take no shit.” Words to live by, virgins!

Here’s some crap for the rest of you:

Libra: I wouldn’t do that if I were you.

Scorpio: There’s no one like you! I can’t wait for the nights, with you! I imagine the things we do!

Sagittarius: Why is your sign so hard to spell? I mean seriously, people, just tell people you’re a Leo.

Capricorn: You know that rusty garden hoe in your back yard? Oh, you will…

Aquarius: A water sign, which is probably a good time to remind you that The Ocean are a pretty awesome band.

Pisces: Pisces is the sign of the fish. God, Phish suck.

Aries: Hey Aries, reading MetalSucks for the horoscopes is like reading LOLcats for its foreign policy.

Taurus: A bull is probably the most metal of the zodiac signs, except for maybe Scorpio. Way to go, you stubborn bastards!

Gemini: You’ll gain a new appreciation of windmills when you get chopped in half by one.

Cancer: Famous Cancer Bret Michaels once said that every rose has its thorn. Really idiot, just one thorn?

Leo: Ronnie James Dio is a Leo. Hey, that rhymes! He’s also 66 now, which considering he invented the devil horns, is pretty appropriate.

That’s all the time and space I’ve been given, but if you want to know what’s in the stars for you, drop me a line. I may suck, but at least I won’t gyp you out of money like Miss Cleo did.

-FO