At the risk of sounding melodramatic, some days I do have to stop and ask the big question – “Where the fucking fuck is my fucking life going?” And often, the answer would seem to “nowhere.”

Then I remember that Vince and I started this totally rad website and all is right with the world.

ANYWAY, running with the theme of “Where is my life going?”, here’s five cock rock videos that address that very issue in some way or another. Why cock rock and not death metal or grindcore or whatever, you ask? Fairly simple: none cock rock bands rarely seem to waste their time dealing with such clichéd bullshit.

My picks after the jump.

5) POISON, “RIDE THE WIND”

Why would you call a song about motorcycling “Ride the Wind?” Shouldn’t that be a song about hang gliding or something? As with most things related to Poison, this makes little to no sense. And, as with most things related to Poison, it’s still fun to listen to at four in the morning when you’re so drunk you just mistook Rikki Rockett for a girl and offered to buy him/her/it a beer.

4) CINDERELLA, “GYPSY ROAD”

Still not quite sure what a “gypsy road” is, but thanks to Tom Keifer, I know it can’t take me home. Apparently, it can’t take Cinderella to a recording studio, either.

I CAN’T ACTUALLY INCLUDE THIS VIDEO BECAUSE EACH AND EVERY VERSION OF IT ON YOUTUBE HAS HAD ITS EMBEDDING DISABLED BY UNIVERSAL. LET’S ALL THANK THE FUCK HEADS AT UNIVERSAL FOR DOING SUCH A BANG UP JOB MAKING SURE THEIR RECORDS GET PROMOTED.

3) TIE: FASTER PUSSYCAT, “NONSTOP TO NOWHERE”/OZZY OSBOURNE “ROAD TO NOWHERE”

Who knew that Ozzy and Taime were spiritual brethren?

2) GUNS N’ ROSES, “GARDEN OF EDEN”

Apparently what happened with this video was that after the band was done doing their video for “Yesterdays,” they had extra time and decided to film this fucker, too – thus, there’s only camera angle, and everyone is wearing the same exact outfit in both clips. In any case, there was a time when this seemed like just about the coolest video I’d ever seen. Anyone remember how it was like the fastest rising video on whatever the fuck the equivalent of TRL was in those days? Anyone…? Anyone…? Bueller…?

ANYWAY, as far as places to get lost go, I’d imagine the Garden of Eden is a pretty good one…

1) WHITESNAKE, “HERE I GO AGAIN”

A friend recently confessed to me that she still listens to this song every time she’s feeling down, and it picks her right up. Cheesy? Sure. But whatever tickles your pickle…

THE NAZIS AT UNIVERSAL HAVE ONCE AGAIN DISALLOWED EMBEDDING OF THIS VIDEO. SO HERE’S THE SONG WITH A STILL PHOTO FROM THE ACTUAL CLIP. THANKS AGAIN, UNIVERSAL!

-AR