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Cinemetal

METALLICA REALLY WERE IN A MOVIE WITH WINONA RYDER

 Thursday, January 15th, 2009 at 4:30pm by

darwin_awardsOn Sunday night Vince and myself, through circumstances too depressing to go into here, ended up having dinner with my folks. And the thing about Mr. & Mrs. Rosenberg is this: they’re old and they’re bat shit crazy. I’m sure some of you can relate: you get a call saying “Oh, we saw this wonderful movie last night,” but then they can’t remember the name of the movie, what it was about, or who was in it. It’s quite thrilling, really.

ANYWAY, so there we were, attempting to enjoy our meals, when my parents began to insist that that they’d see a movie on television the night before that starred klepto-hottie/former Page Hamilton shtupper Winona Ryder and Shakespeare in Oh MY God is This Shit Almost Over?‘s Joseph Fiennes… and featured a cameo from Metallica.

So, naturally, I assumed they were out of their fucking minds.

As it turns out, though, Metallica really were in a movie with Winona Ryder and Joseph “I’m Not Ralph” Fiennes. Called The Darwin Awards, it was a very, very poor attempt to make a movie out of the book series that document the stupidest deaths known to man. And not only that – but they were in a scene with Lukas Haas (the lil’ tyke from Witness) and Judah Friedlander (who might be the funniest man on the planet)!

How the fuck did this thing ever go straight to DVD? Clearly, we’re dealing with a masterpiece of Kubrickian proportions…

Skip to 6:21 to see the Metallicats actually have lines n’ shit.

Argue amongst yourselves: which member of Metallica can enjoy a future career as a thespian?

-AR

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  • Gordon Bombay

    Sweet earplugs d-bag.

  • Jesse

    Low hanging fruit = I think Kirk would make the best lesbian. He seems like he wouldn’t be too butch.

  • Chris

    They recorded that show in 2004 in Salt Lake City, they ended up playing Sad But True twice, and when the van “fell” it was really just a spotlight shining on the Canadian flag for a minute or so. Never heard anything else about the movie and now I see why… ‘Tallica sounded damn good that night though!

  • http://metalvegan666.blogspot.com Spawn of Seitan

    Ahhhhahaha Lars…

    “You should just focus on the sex and the rock n roll and forget about the drugs, huh?”

    That made my day.

  • \m/Eluveitie\m/

    As long as there’s sex and drugs, I can do without the rock and roll – Spinal Tap

  • http://www.myspace.com/bminekime enemyofgod72

    Decisions, Decisions … Which is worse this movie or St Anger? I think I enjoy clipping my fingernails more.

  • groverXIII

    On the subject of Ralph Fiennes… is it just me, or is it kind of a copout to pronounce his name ‘Rafe’? Come on, dude… your fucking name is Ralph. Be proud!

  • http://fantasyh.wordpress.com fantasyh

    Will you loosen the Metallica-hating collar for a while

  • hater

    uh………no.

  • http://skullsnbones.com skullsnbones sam

    Why were Mr. & Mrs. Rosenberg watching this?

  • http://2guys1horse.com mr_Izan

    just saw this flick on wednesday for the first time. sucked.
    and metallica did make a funny at the end, but not good enough…
    i wish james would start drinking again.

  • Lord Bling

    Wow, I’m late to the party on this one, but yeah. I was at one of the screenings for this film at Sundance the year it showed, and it was easily the worst film I saw there that year.