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Contests

FUNNY PHOTO CAPTION CONTEST: WIN NEW CDs FROM GOATWHORE, BEHEMOTH AND VALKYRJA

 Thursday, September 17th, 2009 at 5:00pm by

awkward family photoThe entries for last week’s funny photo caption contest — for which the prizes were a copy of Every Time I Die’s new CD New Junk Aesthetic and a matching t-shirt — were spectacularly unfunny, for the most part. Here are a couple of the best entries. Despite the horribly un-PC nature of one of them… damn, that shit is gold!

\m/Eluveitie\m/ [for the second week in a row! congrats, dude]: “The boys’ pictures were spoiled as a sudden blackout rendered their dates – Lafonda, Laqueefa, Tonisha, and Lil Diamonique – invisible to the prom photographer’s lens.”

ohshitson: “the evolution of the metalsucks monkeys.”

This week we’ve got one killer package of three CDs from Metal Blade Records: Goatwhore’s Carving out the Eyes of God (MS review here), Behemoth’s Evangelion (endless MS praise bestowed here) and Valkyrja’s The Invocation of Demise (no MS review, but you can listen to the band here). Just come up with a funny caption to the below photo, and they shall all be yours.

metal fans

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  • jason

    Is that Rob from MI on the right?

    • Uglymicrowave

      holy fuck that’s me (right) and my friend dave!!!

      Na totally kidding….

  • Urban Outdoorsman

    What Jeff didnt understand is that when you point at a loser there are more fingers pointing back at a bigger loser.

  • DemonicLemming

    Hey broski, rad church party. Dude, you like our hair? We were going for mullets, but couldn’t figure out what part to shave, so we just said screw it! Bobby’s hair just ate a nun, I saw it.

  • Mutt Weiler

    I’m not only the President of Hair Metal Club For Men I’m also a client…rock on!

    • http://www.welovemetal.com We Love Metal

      thats good

  • Phantasm

    Claudio Sanchez before his plastic surgery and his pal Dan, a laid off Mick Mars impersonator. Ironically neither of these men will ever be metal.

  • Manfred Nuggets

    “Dude, after this wedding, I wanna show the bride my Whitesnake.”
    “Dude! That’ll totally Slay ‘er!”

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Keith-Brown/537636633 Keith Brown

      WIN!

    • syclonus

      nice one!

    • Honeynutzz

      Right here.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Brandon-Fountain/1391790047 Brandon Fountain

      Win win win!

  • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

    While Axl and Vince have their backs turned, Justice Sotomayor eyes the churros and Hagrid spikes the punch bowl. What happens at the annual MS Christmas Party stays at the annual MS Christmas Party.

  • Urban Outdoorsman

    “Check out that Iron Maiden….Never mind thats a Motley Dude.”

  • http://www.welovemetal.com We Love Metal

    “If he doesn’t admit that Mick Mars is actually Eddie I’m going to give this pussy the SHOCKER”

  • PHLP

    Do these hair extensions make me look fat?

  • ZapBranigan

    Axl and Vince finally show the readers of Metalsucks their true faces.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Andrea-Voulgaris/663407462 Andrea Voulgaris

      YAY!!!!! I like this one.

    • http://buttor.blogspot.com Buttor

      Yup this one should win

  • poopsmcgee

    It’s a little known fact that in it’s earliest incarnation the devil horns, now a popular hand gesture among heavy metal fans, was used to signify homosexual love between closeted partners.

  • David Blacken

    Holy shit long lost chubby twin brothers of Erik Rutan and Tony Foresta!!!!!!!!!!!

    • The Goat

      So that’s not Tony Foresta??

    • Facebook User

      Fuck. Beat me to it.

  • Beastmaster

    *The Metal Injection Christmas Party Circa 1991… Rob is embarrassed more & more every year…*

    “GET YOUR CHRISTMAS METAL FIX!!! ON HAIR METAL INJECTION!!!”

  • Soup

    we bring the metal… when mum lets us.

  • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

    Dude, you remembered to set up the Vince Neil-tivity set right?

  • Urban Outdoorsman

    Nothing says metal like a double banded cereal box watch, red head band, and Motley Crue. At least he had the presence of mind to throw the horns…because thats not cliche. Am I right Attack Attack?

  • http://Myspace.com/wearecarnevil AEnema175

    Holy crap, its the fat and the furriest.

    • Urban Outdoorsman

      Holy Fuck LOLZLMAOROTFLOLBRBG2GFBINYPDIRS

    • Seth

      Would you like a side of epic with that win?

  • Jake

    “Hey dude, after this party grab your kid Camero and lets go for a ride in your Camero!”

  • http://www.kingdomofnoise.blogspot.com MetalMatt

    Dear Santa, Thanks for the rad hair and the wingman. Now I’ll finally get laid!!! I hope you like the picture. Dave.

    • Double D

      C’mon guys! This cat has the funniest one by far.

  • Gaia

    When Tony Foresta is not touring, he just likes to kick back at home with his kid sister.

  • Urban Outdoorsman

    Each one of these guys has only one friend and she couldnt make it to the party.

  • LEGIONS: IRON AND STEEL

    On the set of “Three Metal Stooges”, Moe Lee Crue demonstrates the two pronged eye gouge on Larry Marcolin while Curly Kilmister lurks in the shadows.

    • canea

      Nyuk nyuk nyuk

  • justin

    “The bride of frankenstein and karate kid have really let themselves go.”

  • B-dizzle

    I’m never playing this game again, I really wanted that ETID package and you guys ruined my life!

  • Rolling Thunder

    Ladies and Gentleman,

    We present to you Axl Rosenberg & Vince Neilstein un-buttplugged and with % 45 fewer fat chicks. Proving that anonymity is sometimes the right decision.

  • columbo

    you never pick the funny ones. “like father, lack sun” was easily the best last time.

  • http://myspace.com/shepherdsgatemusic,myspace.com/burymeinsmokemusic Michael Fenton

    Guy on right: “Dude, this photo is classic!”
    Guy on left: “No way dude, it’s epic!”

    This went on, back and forth, for 12 hours with both of them coming to the conclusion that the photo was actually ‘core.

  • Wookie983

    Daniel Larusso what happened?!

  • Nate

    The house arrest bracelet on Captain Head Band’s wrist just goes to prove that getting drunk and diddling underage girls is the only thing Glam-Heads are good for.

  • Joe

    “Who the fuck is Eddie? This shirt is a self portrait.”

  • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

    The truth is, Wyld Stallyns will never be a super band until we have Eddie Van Halen on guitar.

  • simplyhorrible

    guy on right thinking: “Yeah, oh yeah…fuckin’-A.
    guy on left thinking: “i wonder if i can get Trudy to cover my shift at the gas station. Man…i can’t even remember the last time i got laid. i hate my life.”

  • simplyhorrible

    guy on left: “I think i could hook this blow-drier up to a turbine engine. yeah. I should do that.”

  • Chilech

    Fat bitch in the corner looks hungry.

    • Double D

      If not purely for it’s observation, this one should get a nod.

    • kjetil

      Despite fat jokes not being funny, this one made me giggle. Well executed.

  • Urban Outdoorsman

    The Cheese stands alone(because she ate everything else.)

  • Ryan

    1985 called…… they want their virgins back.

    • Viking-Shredder

      This one made me giggle.

      • Double D

        ditto

  • Johnny

    Personal bodyguards of Dino Cazares

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Travis-Montgomery/1390920375 Travis Montgomery

    Stupid Red Headband? Check
    Weird Bracelet You Picked Up At The Flea Market? Of Course
    T-shirt From a Horrible Hair Metal Band? Definately
    Unkempt hair and a glazed look in your eyes? yup

    I know someone who is going to be alone this Christmas

  • sadisticmagician

    At the Halloween party, the lady dressed as Judge Sotomayor notes: Did anyone tell those two out of shape fucks that Municipal Waste would never support a band like Motley Crue?

  • Facebook User

    Rachel Dratch, showing how much she loves her boyfriend’s Iron Maiden shirt.

  • FuckYourGayEmoHaircut

    just because your music is awesome,doesn’t mean you are…

    • tim

      Please tell me your not implying that Motley Crue is good.

  • Timothy

    Snizzy “Snazz” Bullets and Sammy “Candynose” Twinskins of Snakes ‘n Barrels

  • mankvill

    Tony Foresta and Land Phil meet at Municipal Waste’s not-so-humble beginnings at the Staple’s company Christmas Party, circa ’94. The rest is history.

  • aud10ph1le44

    Though the debate raged for hours on end and encompassed dozens of ensembles, Axl and Vince decided the only appropriate way to attend their high school reunion was to just be themselves.

    • d00shc00gr

      win

  • Viking-Shredder

    “Beavis shut up! You’ve never been to Compton, you’re never gonna go to Compton, you’re gonna be here for the rest of your life, you’re stupid, you don’t have any money, and you’re never gonna score…”

  • Clit Banger

    Wayne’s World 2000

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mikal-Ducharme/669004824 Mikaël Ducharme

    ‘Cause nothing’s more badass than being feared as the tough guy with the red bandana at a (family Christmas) party.

  • Harahune

    Ms Jones struggled to figure out how to tell her sons that Heavy Metal Santa wasn’t real after they went through the trouble of decorating their basement apartment and posing for photos.

    • Double D

      A+

  • Malacoda

    The most metal Christmases always involve ridiculous hair and overweight women.

  • Malacoda

    Fred Durst giving an aspiring fan lessons in douchebaggery. Step 1: Celebrate Christmas by metalizing your mother’s life.

  • poopsmcgee

    this picture is absolutely ridiculous. everyone knows that motley crue fans can’t tell time.

  • permafrost

    Due to an unfortunate accident in “Wood Working 101″, Travis was always a bit self-conscious when he would order “four beers” at the bar.

  • SourDeez

    There is absolutely nothing funny about this picture. There are no scene kids, juggalos, or Metallica members in it.

  • fightingmike

    “Oh shit, i thought this was a halloween party. Where are we?”

    METAL UP YER ASS, SANTA!!!

  • mark

    it should just say “FUCK YEAH”

  • mike909

    If we look this awesome now, how much cooler will we be at our 10 year class reunion?

  • Aaron D

    “Livin’the dream in our new pad in Queens”
    -XOXO two random douchebags

    P.S. Rock out wit yer cock out

  • http://www.culturebully.com/ Chris

    I’m Makin’ You a Smooothie!!!

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Andrea-Voulgaris/663407462 Andrea Voulgaris

      oooohhhhh!!! what flavor, baby?

      jk please don’t answer that.

  • Cody

    “-Vince! I told you not to post that pic!
    -Chill out Axl, No one will know it’s us!”

  • Bastian Fromherz

    Trying to act cool has never been cooler

  • al rose

    “we’re two wild and crazy guys!”

  • Viking-Shredder

    Three words, Saber Tooth Tigers.

  • http://www.myspace.com/i_be_groovin THRASHETTE

    These shirts aren’t new… we just choose our detergents carefully.

  • Wyzt

    Corpsegrinder before his neck grew into the majestic oak tree it is today.

    • metalguy

      win

  • Karsa

    The second wave of new thrash: We’re not even trying anymore!

  • key

    The shorter brother tried to keep cool as for the 14th Christmas in a row he lost the who-has-the-longer-hair contest, again leaving the taller brother with the sole stocking.

  • chris

    After months of brainstorming Simon and Ross couldnt come up with one good idea for a halloween costume.Oh well maybe next year

  • http://raiseyerfists.wordpress.com raiseyerfists

    Glory days revisited at the halfway home

  • GuanoTO

    Dude, I wish my wife had bitchin’ hair like yours! ….What? She right behind me? Dude, you think she heard me?

  • crush1214

    Awwww isn’t that nice they are holding hands!!!!!

  • Seba

    The power of the horns!

  • rick

    “Dude your fingers smell” .. “I know, just don’t embarrass her she Is coming out of the room right now”

  • Sin and Death

    Bill and Ted make their return to the silver screen in their new adventure — “Bill and Ted’s Middle Aged Christmas Party 2009.” Featuring cameo appearances by Richard Simmons, Bobcat Goldthwait, and Woody Allen.

  • OBEY1019

    Winners of the 2009 gay anal sex cup.

  • SolracYatog

    Its Brian Fair before making his dreadlocks.

  • jesuschunks

    Not even our kids are as metal as us.

  • Jeff

    Santa’s sons were bound to get into metal living so far north and are always the life of the christmas party!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/JJ-Cappa/5602865 JJ Cappa

    Brian figured out that the trick to making your hair metal wig not look like a wig was a well-placed bandana.

    Evan did not.

    • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

      Reminds me of Adrian Smith’s hair

  • Justin

    “Hell yea bro, I got M&Ms in my stocking! I fuckin’ love M&Ms.”

  • d.o.g.o.b.g.y.n.

    Unlike most tribute bands, the members of Inbreed live up to their name.

  • Nate

    Contrary to popular belief, it is neither the 1980′s nor is it christmas… The former glam-fans of yesteryear just live in a trailer park.

  • Benito

    Its christmas at the O’Doyle’s, and all Aunt Diana wants is hair like her nephews.

  • Extra_Nina

    This photo is sad. And i need the Behemoth Cd desperately. Would say they are close friends of mine if you give me the Behemoth cd.

  • Michael Fenton

    Sal and Richard had they met in the 80s.

  • http://www.playlist.com/andjustice andjustice

    Christmas: the one time of year that fans of both spectacular and godawful metal can come together and share a common interest: spectacularly godawful hair.

  • twistedfreak

    Your amazing dude… and holy fuck that 8-ball was intense!

  • Peter

    Axl Rosenburg and Vine Neilstein at the Metalsucks New Years Party.

  • http://crucifiedballsack crucified ballsack

    turn a straight man gay

  • Shane Gillis

    B’for I die, I’m gone fuck this little silk headband wearin’ muhfucker right here. But first…where’s the damn bean dip?

  • http://www.myspace.com/ovidswithering AyeJayZink

    I guess you are what you wear.

  • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

    Meet me under the mistletoe!

  • The Overmatt

    Dennis’ mother sighs to herself in the backgroud, wishing she’d had said no to that one night of tequila and spared both herself and her child from what he was to become.

  • Viking-Shredder

    “Wait, I don’t get it… If he’s the first of his kind, how can he be pregnant? Doesn’t he need a mate?”

  • Shane Gillis

    Guy on the left, you’re cool. Guy on the right, you’re the reason Grunge happened.

  • http://www.gravatar.com/avatar/62449cbe5ea8d22bcc2e76890fceaa37.png Lord Bling

    Wow, Triple-H and Shawn Michaels really let themselves go.

  • canea

    Weak chins, wigs and reprinted tour shirts doth not a rocker make.

  • Facebook User

    Little known fact: Meatloaf has taken up a job as Jeff Loomis’ stunt double. Apparently, hanging out with the douchebag on the right is a ‘stunt’.

  • Spike

    “dude, i got laid once… trust me… chicks dig headbands”
    “sweet”

  • bob

    obviously shaneequa isn’t amused by the fact that daryll and jake raided her hair pieces while snooping around at the annual work christmas party.

  • TurdFerguson

    Dan Lilker and Tommy Christ are captured here during their night out on the town.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Kyle-Kovich/80400829 Kyle Kovich

    Never did Eppiphonio and Hayden expect to aqcuire jobs as Metal t-shirt models after a seemingly insignificant photo of them at their “Jesus is a cunt” bash was tagged on facebook.

  • skullsession

    Shane Embury and Land Phil throwdown for the Earache Records Christmas Card picture.

  • Viking-Shredder

    Suck it Trebek!

  • http://bsisserson@gmail.com nairbs

    “Dude I am so glad your grandma let us throw this party in her basement and damn have you seen the hotties here?!” said Pablo. “Yeah man, I just wish I remembered my headband!” said Ernie.

  • ChadEDeath

    “Why are we dressed up like Municipal Waste , its not Halloween yet !”

  • King Cheezit

    “Santa brought us a bald black chick…Merry Fucking Christmas!”

  • You Don’t Know Me

    Vince and Axl in 10 years…. Wait… This is from last year’s holiday party? Nevermind…

  • Tom

    the lady in the back is more metal than those two d-bags

  • chris

    Is that two bald guys standing in front of mr and mrs Chewbacca?

  • Zombie(really)

    “No Steve, you gotta raise your chin higher. See? It hides your double chin better”

  • Antihero

    There has never been a more metal duo at the company christmas party. I mean, seriously. I’ve neve seen anything more metal (except for the chick with the receding hairline in the back)

  • RandomGuitarist

    Headband rag: 99 cents
    Stocking : 5 Dollars
    Iron Maiden/Motley Crue shirts: 10 dollars
    Pretending that you’re not at a Slayer concert but at your family christmas dinner: Priceless

  • Dane

    Kanye West interrupts, ” Axel Rose and Vince Neil’s pictures where better!” Passes mic off and finishes getting “crunk”

    • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

      That was the worst caption I have ever read in my life

      • Dane

        I aim to please!

        • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

          You succeed my friend! Keep up the good work

  • MorbidFinch

    The bride and groom want to thank everybody that attended the reception.

  • Dane

    In this picture we can clearly see the Geiko Caveman invents the first douche.

  • Howdy

    Mom looked down in utter disgust at her two sons that are in there mid 30′s and still live with her.

  • Hendecahedron

    Cousin Itt finally decided to reveal his face, while Pugsley went for a glam look for last year’s Christmas party.

  • Facebook User

    When she realized that he had taken her wig, it only took mere moments for his real hair to be even shorter than hers.

  • BruisedMetal

    The founding members of Municipal Waste back when they were roadies for Motorhead

  • BruisedMetal

    Before Municipal Waste made their name in the metal scene, and could afford decent instruments they had to play cover songs at bar mitzvah’s

  • Awful Offal Carnage

    Who knew receding hairlines, headbands, McDonald’s Happy Meal watches, and Christmas parties were so effin’ metal, dude?

  • DaylightReckoning

    Greatest Anvil cover band, EVER!!

  • Landru3156.2

    Turning to religion as their last resort, hair metal fans pray the Second Coming of Christ can also resurrect their beloved genre.

  • Aled

    hair metal lives on..

  • Mike House

    Please dude, i know this is a party, but take your finger out of my ass

  • cosk!

    funniest thing is that this picture of vince and axl was taken just a few months ago

  • Manfred Nuggets

    Though they were forced to go to the accursed Catholic Church by their mother/landlord, Jeff and Gary decided that they might as well make Sunday School as metal as possible.

  • velvet thunder

    “All I want for Christmas is to be casted as an extra in Wayne’s World 3″

  • Sacajawea

    “All I want for Christmas is my 2 missing fingers.”

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Zakk-Walters/1671220389 Zakk Walters

    “Dude, I thought you said there were gonna be high-school girls here.”

    “DUDE! there will be! My sister’s on her way, now shut up and pose!”

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Zakk-Walters/1671220389 Zakk Walters

    “Dude! This party is AWESOME! Break out the Schnapps!”

    “Dude! I thought you brought the Schnapps!”

    “DUDE!”

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Zakk-Walters/1671220389 Zakk Walters

    “Dude, I don’t wanna sound queer or nothin’, but I’d blow Bruce Dickenson.”

    “word”

  • Maverick

    Hey I was told there’d be hot chicks man.
    Just turn around!

  • tallica_fan86

    the motley crue loving, slightly more feminine of the 2 surely must play the bitch in the relationship..thank god the controlling grip on his cock is out of frame.

  • Sacajawea

    Every Christmas, Axl and Vince show up to ruin a random family’s Christmas dinner. Last year they burned my house down with a menorah and crucified my dad. They used their circumsized penises to have their way with me, and ended the magical night by carving “Slayer” in Hebrew onto each of our asses. Santa ain’t got nothin’ on you guys.

  • Skanes

    We’re so metal we shit mullets.

  • Chee

    We only bought these shirts cause we have the same hairstyles as the people on our shirts.

  • john pewo

    after kicking the drug habit jason newsted and andrew w.k. make a comeback recovery.

  • astronautcowboy

    The real reason Metallica’s debut album wasn’t called “Metal Up Your Ass” was Lars actually wanted the full title to read “Metal Up Your Ass And Pussy At The Same Time.”

  • Nate Dubetz

    SHIT DUDE, IRON MAIDEN!

  • Sacajawea

    My comments aren’t very funny, but wow dude, there’s some really terrible captions on here. Almost makes me ashamed to be a metalhead.

  • OldGreyMoon

    This is what i get for wanting to try those volcano tacos. Feels like I’m being sodomized by Achmed The Undead terrorist..