THE AUSTERITY PROGRAM’S JUSTIN FOLEY RESPONDS TO VINCE’S METALLICA/YANKEES POST!
[Justin Foley — MS columnist, guitarist/vocalist in The Austerity Program and… <scoff> Yankees fan — was so inspired by yesterday’s The Top Fifteen Reasons That Metallica Are the Yankees of Metal post that he decided to write a response. Here it is! -Ed.]
It’s really sad that you just won’t let things go. So you like the Mets. But they’re losers. So you hate winners. Just keep reading those three sentences over and over until they sink in.
Metallica are not the Yankees of metal. Consider just this: the Yankees are still playoff contenders every year and likely have many more WS rings in front of them. Metallica … what could the future hold for them? I’ll tell you what: one thing – Gene Simmons. Gene Simmons is right now just waiting by his phone for them to call him so that he can take over. He’ll talk to them about staging a ‘Nothing But Denim’ tour, partnering with novelty acts for marketing purposes and then, when it’s time for your target demographic to consider it, ease into casket promotion. He’s ready. Everything else at this point is just postponing the inevitable.
So let’s review your reasons and why they’re (mostly) wrong.
15. No. The Yanks have had ups and downs, but at least several Golden Eras. In the late 90’s-early 00’s, for example, the Yankees were a legitimately incredible baseball team. But anything after “And Justice…” is basking in the glow of an earlier light.
13. The Yankees have the biggest payroll in baseball and the best championship record of any professional sports team. Maybe Metallica have the same? I don’t know. But also keep in mind that the Yankees have always been in the Bronx. Although it seemed to require a full raping of the city/state funds to do it, they still remain on 161st Street. Can’t say that about the Dodgers and Giants.
12. Absolutely. And that’s why they’re both successfully ripped off by bootleggers.
11. Trujillo was brought on as a hired placeholder. Nearly anyone would kill to have Jeter on their team as he’s a bona fide asset. His coaching career is likely to be Hall of Fame worthy, even if he can’t say the same about any given on-the-field stat. People hate Jeter because … I guess they don’t like his smirk and are deeply envious of his sexual track record, but you would pick the guy for your sandlot team in a heartbeat. Trujillo, on the other hand, plays metal bass without a pick and that’s nearly unforgivable in my book, unless you’re in Stinking Lizavetta.
10. Sure. But see #12. One could say that their happily fleecing people who only sorta care about them subsidizes a higher quality product for their die-hard fans. You’d be a total tool to say that, but some people will still say that.
9. If we’re going to criticize something for its fan-base, you will not be feeling good after we conduct a thorough review of the MS comments section.
8. Newstead was in the band for 15 years. The Beatles, by comparison, were only around for about 10. So a lot can happen in a decade and a half, and a lot did happen under Newstead’s membership. The Yanks, on the other hand, are addicted to spending lots of money on acquisitions and it’s largely embarrassing. Pavano, RANDY JOHNSON, Clemens, David Justice and the list goes on and on. It’s largely been wasted money. But Newstead was good for the band he joined.
6. Hunter looks decent for the time. (For comparison, google Don Stanhouse.) Hetfield’s ridiculous handlebar makes him look like Rod Beck’s tweaking younger step-brother (Same mom, different dad with straighter hair.) And seriously, man, what bullshit country star should I compare Piazza to? Give that guy a shark-tooth necklace and he’ll be ready to duet “Islands in the Stream” with Nichole Ritchie at the next CMT awards.
5. What? First of all, about 1/2 the bands Sgt. D covers are the gateway intro bands. But are you trying to say that people start off as Yankee fans and then, once they get into it, appreciate the finer purveyors of baseball like the Pirates or the Boston Doves or the goddam Hardware City Rock Cats? You can be insanely into baseball and love watching the Yankees.
4. Actually, I’m having a hard time arguing this one. Unless we can figure out a way to insult Rick Rubin as well.
3. Ha ha, this is factually totally inaccurate. Lars Ulrich is easily the most hated guy in Metallica but they all get their fair share of bile. A-Rod, on the other hand, will never deserve all the scorn that has been heaped upon him. Man, a lot of people just do not like that guy.
2. This is the part where I talk about Mariano Rivera being probably the greatest single player of any particular defensive position in baseball. Metallica doesn’t have anything that compares to that. At their best, they were a whole far more than the sum of their parts (although one could make a case for Hetfield’s voice being singularly good when it was good.) (Past tense.) But Metallica should be incredibly flattered that he’s adopted their pop song for his intro music. “Rites of Spring” would have been better.
1. So does Warren Beatty, but I don’t see you ready to talk about how Metallica are just like that guy. (Ugh, I forgot about the A-Rod/Madonna thing. Thanks for reminding me.) Anyway, why do you mean boys want to pick on a nice Jewish girl like that?
Finally, I’m not as familiar with Antrhax as you guys are. But it seems AWFULLY mean to call them the Mets of Metal.
– Justin Foley