Best Beard Bracket

MATCHES 5-8: KERRY KING VS. EDDIE HERMIDA, TROY SANDERS VS. VALIENT HIMSELF, WAYNE STATIC VS. AARON TURNER, NICK OLIVERI VS. JONATHAN ATHON

0

The results from the first group of matches are in — and for the most part, there was no real competition. Votes for The Absence’s Peter Joseph were virtually absent in his match against Black Label Society’s Zakk Wylde, Justin Foley engaged his killswitch and left Bill Robinson from Decrepit Birth a decrepit corpse, and going head-to-head with The Dillinger Escape Plan’s Liam Wilson, Clutch vocalist Neil Fallon proved, yet again, that no one gives a shit about bass players. In fact, the only bout that was even close was that Kirk Windstein from Crowbar and Down against Sean Z. from Dååth and Chimaira — and even in that instance, Mr. Z ended up winning by a margin of nearly fifteen percent.

But none of the competitors feel too cocky — ’cause the fight will only grow more fierce as it progresses! Right now, we’re still just separating the beards from the bitches!

And on that note, here’s the next group of matches! You can vote from now until 5 pm EST tomorrow, Wednesday, July 11. May the best beard win!!!

KERRY KING VS. EDDIE HERMIDA

As the vocalist for All Shall Perish, Eddie Hermida has written lyrics about the evils of religion, the corruption of politicians and leaders, and death, destruction, and general chaos. So it’s hard to imagine that legendary Slayer guitarist Kerry King wouldn’t be a fan. But would he approve of — or perhaps even ENVY — Hermida’s own beastly beard?!?! Vote below!

TROY SANDERS VS. VALIENT HIMSELF

Troy Sanders has Mastodonned his long, scraggly beard pretty much for as long as we can remember, and we love the way it suggests both a Confucius-esque wise man and a vagina. But Himself’s beard is truly Valient! Given its raw mass, it seems entirely possible that it could just swallow Sanders’ non-shavings whole. Will Troy’s facial fuzz prove agile enough to escape? You decide!

WAYNE STATIC VS. AARON TURNER

Wayne Static’s serpentine, garrote-like beard takes that of “Captain Lou” Albano to its most illogical extreme, and word on the street is that the Static-X namesake is single-handedly keeping the rubber band industry in Benjamins. And it’s no surprise that Aaron Turner’s facial hair is unkempt and full-bodied — much like his music. So which do you prefer: styled and straightened or wild and wooly??? 

NICK OLIVERI VS. JONATHAN ATHON

We know that, as the purveyors of this competition, it would be wrong for us to weigh in with an edorsement. So we’re not going to say “Seriously, fuck you guys if you don’t vote for Athon,” no matter how badly we’d like to.

THE BRACKET SO FAR (click to enlarge):

Comments
Metal Sucks Greatest Hits