Question Of The Week: Crue To Be Kind
It was 30 years ago this week that the members and backers of Motley Crue knew for sure that the band was a thing: For the first time, they cracked the Billboard singles chart. Sure, it was “Looks That Kill” in the lowly #90 spot, but still that achievement must have crushed out the biggest doubts about their future. (Not for Nikki Sixx tho; he doesn’t doubt himself.) It ensured some sales for their major-label debut — lead single “Shout At The Devil” had registered only on the hard rock chart — and some buzz in America outside of six blocks in West Hollywood. I would’ve partied, holy shit!
A million miles of bullshit later, Crue is retiring from the road. It’s overdue, sure, yet success of any measure deserves a tip of the cap. We’re all of us humans, and far from being angry about Crue’s protrusions into our personal realms and nagging presence, we can each totally find something — anything — nice to say to them about their run. Love or hate them, they made the money, did the drugs, and banged the girls that might’ve gone to Danger Danger or another truly loathsome band. So let’s be polite! It’ll help them stay gone!
Inspired by a seminal hair band’s upcoming final tour, we asked our staff:
Clad in a heavy metal shirt, you are alone in an elevator with the members of Motley Crue. They warmly chat you up about their just-announced final tour, and as expression of gratitude/dismay, you decide to offer congrats and a kind word. About what would you compliment them?
You be nice! Have an awesome wknd!
“Hey guys — big fan. Fancy meeting you here. Did you know John Corabi is our bellhop? Crazy! And did I mention I have personal nicknames for all of you? Killer, Sloth, Dong and Metal Philip Seymour Hoffman. Great, right? Hey, I know: Group hug! [hugs] Whoa, why so awkward? ANYWAY … you, Motley Crue, created the best strip club anthem ever in ‘Girls, Girls, Girls.’ To a dorky suburban Kirkland, WA teenager like me, both the song and the video unleashed a personal awakening. Created a, ahem, ‘live wire’ here in my loins [emphatically points to loins]. You opened up this exotic new world full of sex and crusty cigarettes and crinkly one dollar bills: The Dollhouse! Tattletale’s! “Raising hell” at the Seventh Veil! Um … Ft. Lauderdale! Anyway, thanks for showing me the way. Oh, and Tommy/Dong, that song totally gives you a pass for Methods Of Mayhem, which was worse than Hep C. Which I’m sure you know all about. Peace out.”
“Thanks for showing me how to party, guys! Tommy! You were a god!”
“I can’t lie, bros: ‘Looks That Kill,’ ‘Shout at the Devil,’ and ‘Live Wire’ are all fucking amazing songs. The rest… hey, you tried.” [Then I’d go to shake Mick Mars’ hand, but turn it into a wave at the last second. The guy looks fragile, and I wouldn’t want to break the one talented guy in the band.]
“Good job being firmly seat-belted into that wagon the first and only time I saw you! In that Circus-themed tour. All of you fell apart soon after.”
“Dude! Thanks for taking on the Glam vs. Masculinity section of Sam Dunn’s excellent movie, Metal: A Headbanger’s Journey. Definitely added a twist in the general direction the movie was headed, and it totally gave me another perspective on your scene. Not being from SoCal, I really got a lot out of your explanation of that time in that place. Thanks!”
Congratulations on only ever getting other people killed! Given the sheer amount of crazy shit you dudes have done, it is truly a miracle that only those around you ever suffered.