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Suggested Heavy Metal Campaign Songs for the 2016 Republican Presidential Candidates

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2016 Republican Presidential Candidates MetalSucks
Presidential candidates, like professional wrestlers, have theme songs that act as entrance and exit music. Because metal is a niche, these songs are generally more mainstream fare (e.g., Bill Clinton used Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop,” George W. Bush used Brooks & Dunn’s “Only in America,” etc.). But we got to thinking: what if the 2016 Republicans running for the highest office in the land were to use metal songs for their campaign music? Which songs would they use??? We’ve got some suggestions…

Donald Trump – Five Finger Death Punch, “Got Your Six”

trump ffdp

Since Five Finger Death Punch have been such massive Trump supporters, it only makes sense that The Don would use one of their songs for his campaign. And Mr. Trump knows a thing or two about cross-promotion, surely, he would want to use a single from the band’s most recent album, so that he can help them sell some extra records, and they can give him a shout-out at every show. SYNERGY!

Ben Carson – Megadeth, “Amerikhastan”carson megadeth

An anti-Muslim song by a rabid Christian? Seems like a perfect fit, no?

Carly Fiorina – Blessed by a Broken Heart, “Blood on Your Hands”

carly bbbh

Presumably, unless something fairly crazy happens, the Republican nominee is going to end up running against Hillary Clinton. Since Fiorina said that Clinton has “blood on her hands” this past July, this seems like an excellent choice.

Marco Rubio – As I Lay Dying, “An Ocean Between Us”marco rubio aild

‘Cause the man loves his water.

Ted Cruz – Mastodon, “Octopus Has No Friends”ted cruz mastodon

And the reason Octopus has no friends is because it bit poor Ted CruzBad Octopus!

Jeb Bush – Malevolent Creation, “They Breed”jeb bush malevolent creation

Assholes from Florida represent!!!

https://youtu.be/qWcmQ5sOkuw

Chris Christie – Bon Jovi, “Keep the Faith”bon christie

Cheeseballs from New Jersey represent!

John Kasich – Dying Fetus, “For Us or Against Us”dying katsich

Kasich is fervently pro-life and famously short-tempered. What better song to represent these two facets of the man, then?

Mike Huckabee – Stryper, “In God We Trust”huckabee stryper

A total dork whose answer for everything is “Jesus”? Did someone say… Stryper?!?

https://youtu.be/PVKJNomKMdc

Rand Paul – Hellyeah, “Band of Brothers”randpaul hellyeah

Well, duh.

George Pataki, Jim Gilmore, Rick Santorum, Bobby Jindal, Lindsey Graham – Unkle Monkey, “Loser” (Horrible Beck Cover)santorum loser

According to the current polls, there’s about as much of a chance that one of these five folks will win the nomination as there is that Jeff Hanneman will write songs for the new Slayer album. So they all have to share this tune. Sorry, dudes. Better luck in 2020.

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