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Friday 5: Five Jams For A Happy Valentine’s Slay

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Happy Friday, MetalSucks reader! Welcome to MetalSucks Friday 5, our awesome series that appears every Friday (duh) on MetalSucks (duhh) and involves the quantity of five (duhhh).

Here’s how it works: A list of best/worst/weirdest/whatever five somethings is posted by one of your beloved MetalSucks contributors or by one of our buds (like you!). Then you, our cherished reader, checks it out, has a chuckle, then chimes in with a list of the same. No sweat, just whatever springs to mind, k? (Just like that movie about those losers working at a Chicago record store!) After all, it’s Friday — the day dedicated by the gods to mindless, fun time-wasting. 

Here we go!

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THE FIVE

What five metal songs make Valentine’s Day better?

THE LISTER

Anso DF, MetalSucks Senior Editor

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“Stripper Girl” by Steel Panther
from Feel The Steel (Republic)
Vibe
 “You blow my mind, insanity and all.”

No matter who you are or whom you wish to bang, you may struggle to feel empowered on Valentine’s Day. Maybe your day is spent fetching presents, poems, and pricey meals for your sweetheart. Maybe you’re stone-cold single, kinda twiddling your thumbs alone or with your solo bros. Or worst of all, maybe you’re all reminded of that special lady/guy/gludy whom you desire but don’t possess. Whatever your situation, you’ll need an awesome love song to belt drunkenly. Start with Steel Panther.

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“Just Another Love Song” by Suicidal Tendencies
from Controlled By Hatred/Feel Like Shit … Deja Vu (Epic)
Vibe “I don’t need you. I don’t need anybody!”

My guess is that a MetalSucks reader belongs to the first category (above), all half-grudgingly/half-sincerely hitting his/her marks as a loving partner on Valentine’s Day and beyond. As for regular commenters on MetalSucks, there’s a fourth category: Angry spineless weirdo that tells others how to feel. Repellent. No biggie, most of us have lived an extended bout of powerlessness like that. So be comforted by this ST jam for a moment, just don’t adopt it as your philosophy.

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“L.O.V.E. Machine” by W.A.S.P.
from W.A.S.P. (Capitol)
Vibe “Honey, you are about to get epically nailed.”

Valentine’s Day shares a vibe with the December holidays, when obligations perceived and actual kinda pull our strings. Such a “puppet” is not renowned for its sex drive, so you might be over the whole thing by the time you reach the hour of frenzied shagging. Yet it’s a crime to waste a “anything goes”-type night with your partner(s). Solution: a few minutes alone flexing in your bathroom mirror with headphones blaring crazy old Blackie Lawless and his “L.O.V.E. Machine.” Makes you feel big enough to buttfuck a billboard.

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“Sailing Ships” by Whitesnake
from Slip Of The Tongue (Geffen)
Vibe “You can be you and be mine.”

Maybe the reason that you’re not into this year’s day of lovers and gifts is practical, not theoretical: The object of your love has slipped from your grasp. This person won’t or can’t be in your life (anymore); this interminable holiday is a reminder of that. What you feel isn’t anger or alienation, resistance or defiance. It’s loss. Whitesnake’s David Coverdale lived in that state from 1974 through 1989. Turn to him. And bang her friends.

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“Hot Dog And A Shake” by David Lee Roth
from Skyscrapist (Warner Bros)
Vibe “Nice to meet you. It’s Valentine’s Day. Let’s shag.”

Above all, it’s vital to remember this: On Valentine’s Day, unattached people are horny and needy. Do not take your eye off the ball, all dwelling on your “now” when your “tonight” might be strolling by in yoga pants and a three-beer buzz. Smile, lunge.

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Your turn! Have a great wknd!

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