Metal Insider tells me that both Rob Halford and חיים ויץ‎ turned sixty yesterday, which isn’t really that old in the scheme of things, but is still most certainly a reminder that Metal’s Founding Generation is getting closer and closer to death. Then again, you know who isn’t getting closer and closer to death? Dead people. So, yeah.

ANYWAY, I remember when Mick Jagger turned fifty, The New York Times did a big article about it, ’cause I guess it was unfathomable that a rock star sex symbol would ever turn fifty. And sixty is obviously older than fifty. So I kinda feel like we should be writing some monumental piece about these two. Only, no fucking way am I spending time doing that. Instead, I think I’ll just prepare their obituaries, so we have ‘em ready for publication when these dudes finally go the way of Joey Bellardini’s voice. That seems like a much more constructive use of my time.

In conclusion: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ROB AND CHAIM!!!

-AR

…there’s now a Kiss urn, too.

And I can’t decide if I think this is more or less offensive than the Kiss Koffin. On the one hand, spending any extra amount of money to have anything put on a box which is literally going to be placed in the ground never to be seen again strikes me as an incredible waste of resources. On the other hand, at least if you’re buried in a Kiss Koffin, your family won’t have to actually look at Kiss all the time. I mean, do you seriously want your loved ones forever associating your memory with Chaim Witz and Stanley Eisen? What are you, from the Bronx in 1963?

If you really, really hate poor people and starving children and cancer research, you can purchase one of these bad boys here for a mere $650. Or you can just e-mail me and I’ll draw a picture of Kiss on a shoebox and mail it to you for sixty-five cents.

-AR

On Saturday night, I ventured deep into the heart of the clusterfuck known as The Minnesota State Fair to witness the monster known as Kiss. This was my first Kiss concert, and it was quite an experience to be sure, but after the smoke finally cleared and retina-frying KISS logo was finally unplugged for the night, I was left with a single nagging question: Does Kiss still matter? Not, Is Kiss viable? mind you. Hell, this band is a moneymaking machine with a screwdriver wedged in the gears to force endless cycles of rinse and repeat. You don’t sell 100 million records worldwide and continue to pack arenas by accident. Clearly, this formula works. But does Kiss still matter?

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When I was a teenager, if my father ever insulted me (and when he did, it was usually because I was being a little asshole and totally had it coming), he would immediately thereafter look at his watch. He was timing me to see how fast I could come up with a witty retort. That probably sounds fucked up, but I’m actually really glad my dad did that – it’s definitely one of the reasons I grew up to be such a prick, but, without tooting my own horn, I am very good at being a prick (you’re reading this website, after all) in no small part because of my old man’s insistence that I learn to properly defend myself in a verbal battle.

If only young Chaim Witz’s father had been as determined as Poppa Rosenberg to whip his son into mental shape. ‘Cause grown-up Witz (that’s “Gene Simmons” to you) is like the fat bully in the school yard – he’s way too dumb to trade barbs at an adult level, so he just says something sophmoric and unfunny and tries to claim said comment as a victory.

For example, look at this video of Simmons “debating” with music-biz guru Bob Lefsetz. Lefsetz criticized Simmons’ understanding of the way the music industry works today, and all Simmons can come up with by way of retort is to make fun of Lefsetz’s name. Forget, for a second, that’s not entertaining; it’s not even on-subject. It’s like watching Chris Farley tell David Spade “You’re a thick… candy…” in Tommy Boy. I mean, I almost feel bad for Simmons.

And now Simmons is losing a verbal war in the press with Trent Reznor, for the same reason: he just cannot hold his own in a debate.

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Which is why I would never engage in a debate with Gene Simmons about anything. It’s the same reason I rarely respond to comments left on this site. If I post about a band I think is great and someone’s response is “Ur a faggit,” what the fuck am I supposed to say that? My IQ could drop just trying to communicate with that person, so I don’t.

But music biz guru Bob Lefsetz must love  a Sisyphean task when he encounters one, because he’s been feuding with Simmons for the past week. The whole tiff started when Lefsetz criticized Simmons in his  newsletter (of which both Vince and myself are avid readers) for a speech Simmons gave during Canadian Music Week about various ways in which the music industry might stay afloat; Simmons responded with his own e-mail, in which he made fun of Lefsetz’s name. Seriously. This is the level of of maturity and intelligence with which Lefsetz is trying to engage.

The feud culminated in a public debate last week, which you can watch below – or don’t. Simmons’ opening argument rests not on any proof of acquired business acumen (and beside the admittedly phenomenal success of Kiss, it’s worth noting that 9 out of 10 Gene Simmons ventures fail – see exhibit A, Detroit Rock City), but, rather, on a bald joke. Which tells you pretty much everything you need to know.

After the jump, you can watch a clip of Lisa Lampanelli roasting Simmons on A&E last year. Which is considerably more entertaining than the video above.

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I’m no expert on folk metal band Moonsorrow, but I do this know much: their latest release, last year’s V – Hävitetty, is killer (read my mini-review here – the album is only two dollars on iTunes!), and they’re a Nazi band like this site is a polka blog.

But I guess some people actually do think Moonsorrow are a bunch of fascist fuckheads, ’cause front man Ville Sorvali just released the following statement:

“We, Moonsorrow, have come across news that Antifa wishes to prevent our concert in Berlin on April 17th. We hereby announce that we are not a Nazi band… Some have said that Moonsorrow have an SS rune in their logo… The S in the logo is not intended to look like an SS rune, it has been drawn in an angular manner to suit the logos other letters.”

This is just plain ri-fucking-diculous. Does the letter “s” in the Moonsorrow logo (above) look any more or less like the SS logo than the double-S in the Kiss logo? (I understand that we know Kiss isn’t a Nazi band because its two most prominent members are Jews – hel-lo, Mr. Chaim Witz – but sheesh.) For that matter, how come no one made a stink when other bands – like Marilyn Manson and Faster Pussycat – appropriated the SS font for their own logos?

This is just dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. And I strongly encourage Moonsorrow fans everywhere – especially German ones – make the biggest stink about it possible.

-AR