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Honkey Grandma be trippin’.
I’m sorry. This is awful. This is objectively awful. There is nothing good about it. I can’t think of one goddamn nice thing to say. Fuck this. Fuck it in the ear.
-AR
Because we’re the metal version of The National Enquirer, we’re journalisticly obliged to post this, right? Not to do so would be negligent, right? Right?
Fine, fuck it, she’s got huge ta-tas. I mean look at those puppies!!
-VN
[Thanks: Brutal Jay]
Last week’s post of In This Moment covering Iron Maiden sparked such an uproar that it inspired longtime MetalSucks Maniac Hegy to send in a link of another female artist covering a (sort of classic) metal track, Rage Against the Machine’s “Guerilla Radio” as performed by everyone’s favorite Canadian yodeler Alanis Morissette. Thing is, said cover isn’t nearly as objectionable as it might seem. For one, Alanis has actually got a good voice, and I liked a lot of her earlier material in a completely non-ironic (haha, get it?) way. But more importantly, Alanis doesn’t go for the straight cover. Her version of the RATM classic is musically quite different from the original — it’s more of an “interpretation” than a cover, if you will — and unless you’re a devoted student of RATM lyrics you probably wouldn’t recognize the song until the chorus kicks in at around the 1-minute mark. Alanis, you continue to prove why Canadians are that much smarter than their American brethren.
-VN
Finally… we have a capable, intelligent, forward-thinking new U.S. president. No, it’s not Dave Mustaine. Here’s what else happened this week:
Axl, myself and our girlfriends (we have girlfriends… whowouldathunkit???) are going to see The Dark Knight on the IMAX tonight. Hopefully weed will be involved. Later, suckaz!!
Less than a year ago I took it upon myself to tell the members of In This Moment that they really, seriously, no fucking around, needed to stop covering classic metal tracks. At the time, they’d already created lackluster versions of Slayer’s “Postmortem” and Pantera’s “I’m Broken,” and I’d like to think I wasn’t alone when I said “Enough is enough.”
Unfortunately, In This Moment really doesn’t give a fuck what I think, and I didn’t have the will power not to watch this:
Even before we were an “industry type” (I think we can safely call ourselves that now), I loved the fact that Roadrunner Records posts their staffers and some of the artists “best of” lists every year; these people work at/with one of the biggest metal labels out there, so it’s pretty interesting to see what they were grooving on from year to year.
The 2008 lists are on Roadrunner’s website now. Here are some highlights:
Call it the Sarah Palin Effect: so much is already stacked against In This Moment (a metalcore band two to three years after metalcore flickered out with an incredibly attractive frontwoman equipped with a ridiculously provocative sense of fashion) that the bar is set almost comedicaly low. But much like struggling to answer simple follow-up questions during one of your first televised national interviews, any slight hint of competency already exceeds expectations, and by many, will be perceived a victory. I wouldn’t call The Dream, the band’s latest album, a victory by any means, but considering the flaccidity of the genre in which it exists, they manage to ascend from “Why do bands like this still make music?” to “Not that bad, really,” with relative ease. Though by no means a classic, it wobbles between lame metalcore and admirable pop-rock somewhat effortlessly to maybe work their way onto the guilty pleasure heap – no small achievement when considering the ocean of sneers and venom already directed their way before playing a note.
Here’s the cover of the upcoming issue of Revolver, which is scheduled to hit newsstands October 21. As you can tell, it’s a Halloween-themed issue. So rather than just dress Maria Brink up in something sexified like they normally do, the creative folks over at Revolver stuck a wig on her, doused her with pig’s blood, and paid homage to Brian De Palma’s classic cinematic adaptation of Stephen King’s Carrie. I have a sneaking suspicion that some of you sick fucks will get off on this shit, so, y’know, run and get the vasoline now.
In This Moment have a new album, The Dream, in stores tomorrow on Century. Kind of amazingly, the album actually hasn’t leaked in advance of its release!
-AR
David Brodsky videos are usually full of the kind of fucked-up imagery we’re accustomed to in the metal world – zombies, blood-thirsty beasts, patricide, population-leveling plagues, bats flying out of people’s mouths, scary old dudes licking young women in bondage gear, Devin Townsend in a tuxedo, etc. – so the fact that the video he just directed for In This Moment, “Forever,” is so sun-shiney is, at a glance, kind of a shock.
But Brodksy has what Hollywood types call “range,” and these visuals completely fit the song. And I know for a fact that Brodsky wants nothing more than to create an honorable cinematic representation of whatever band he’s working with at the moment (pun not intended), something that will satisfy the artist and their fans alike. Also, this video really, really makes me wanna go to the beach.
Century will release In This Moment’s new album, The Dream, next week.
-AR
Wow, that headline sucks. Sorry. I’m fucking exhausted.
ANYWAY, I didn’t make it to In This Moment’s listening part for their new album, The Dream, last week, but Vince told me it was a good time. And our pals over at Metal Injection managed to sneak in a camera and capture footage of the band their new song, “Forever.” It seems pretty clear that the band’s sound has evolved somewhat… time will tell if I actually enjoy The Dream or not. The album drops September 30 on Century.
Don’t forget that Metal Injection continues to be the best source pretty much anywhere for all your metal video needs. So head over there and check out some more cool shit, fer Chrissakes.
-AR
Have you ever seen that episode of The Simpsons where we get to see inside Homer’s closet, and it’s full of identical white shirts and blue pants? I’ve kinda always assumed that’s what Maria Brink’s closet looked like: just an endless row of those blue dresses.
Well, I guess the royalities from Beautiful Tragedy are really paying off, ’cause as you can see from the above photo of Maria and some other dudes who I think may also be in the band, she finally got a new dress!
Are Five Finger Death Punch really big enough to headline already? I can’t believe that At All Cost are at death’s door, but people are buying FFDP albums like their lives depended on it. I mean, just look at that photo. If that’s the not the very definition of “recockulous,” I don’t know what is.
So while it was rumored for awhile that this year’s edition of Ozzfest would be a two day event – but it has now been announced that it’ll be just one single day, on Saturday, August 9, at at Pizza Hut Park* in Dallas, Texas. The line-up will be as follows:
Main Stage
OZZY OSBOURNE
METALLICA
SERJ TANKIAN
HELLYEAH
JONATHAN DAVIS
CAVALERA CONSPIRACY
SHADOWS FALL
APOCALYPTICA
IN THIS MOMENT
All-Star Tribute To “Dimebag” Darrell Abbott
Second Stage
SEVENDUST
DEVILDRIVER
KINGDOM OF SORROW
SOILENT GREEN
WITCHCRAFT
GOATWHORE
Texas (Third) Stage
THE SWORD
DROWNING POOL
RIGOR MORTIS
Actually, that is, by no means, a terrible line-up; if the stages are staggered at all (and I imagine they will be), it would be plenty easy to keep oneself occupied during sets from In This Moment, Jonathan Davis, and HellNo. And I guess it’s honorable of Metallica to let Ozzy play last, even though, at this point, a) they’re much bigger than Ozzy and b) Ozzy has to be in bed by 8 pm. I mean, if I was Ozzy, and I’d spent recent Ozzfests getting blown off the stage by the likes of Maiden and Priest, I certainly wouldn’t wanna follow Metallica. But, y’know, nice of Ulrich and Hetfield to step aside for one night and let the Ozzman cometh.
Dear Maria Brink and the Other Anonymous Dudes from In This Moment,
First of all, I think we all got off on the wrong foot and I’d like to apologize. I know I’ve said some not very nice things about certain members of your band in the past, things that were completely superficial and in no way related to your music. And my own feelings about your physical appearance aside, I hear that you’re actually very nice people. So I hope we can leave the past in the past and just live in this moment.
(Sorry. I couldn’t resist).
Last week you released a free mp3 on your MySpace page of several of your members, including Ms. Brink, performing a cover of Pantera’s “I’m Broken” with the nice men from Talking Metal. Mostly I thought your version of the song served as a nice illustration of why Phil Anselmo was, in his heyday, one of the best screamers in all of metal. I mean, I guess musically you sounded okay enough – your guitar player is no Dimebag, but then, who is? – but really, I didn’t like Maria’s vocals. At all.
But I chose to keep my mouth shut, because, well, some perfectly respectable people thought Maria acquitted herself quite admirably.
But now you’ve posted another cover of a classic metal song on your MySpace page for free download – this time, a version of Slayer’s “Postmortem.” And, once again, your take on the song serves as little more than a reminder of what made the original so great.
FUCK SCOTT WEILAND. I’m glad you’ve been able to get this far based on your limited vocal range and ability to mimic the same style of on-stage dancing that Bowie and Iggy Pop were doing thirty years ago, but seriously, stop trying to compete with Axl Rose for the “Biggest Asshole” award – Axl will beat your ass every time. Calling Slash by his real name in a press release does not make you clever. Claiming the name “Velvet Revolver” was your idea does not make you cool. You’ve always had to suck off the musical talent teat of others, and every time I think about the fact that Layne Staley couldn’t get it together while you go on and on and on I die a little inside. I hope the DeLeo brothers stab you in the eyes with your fucking needles. And fuck your wife Mary, too.
FUCK ROBB FLYNN. I’m a huge Machine Head fan, but telling people that you “once punched some kid in the face for saying that Gary Holt sucked” is moronic. Metal is supposed to be about blowing off steam in a healthy way so as to avoid actual neanderthal behavior. There are plenty of legitimate reasons to fight in this world, but someone insulting the fucking guitar player from Exodus is not one of them. Put more simply: You either a) actually did punch some dude for talking shit about Holt and are therefore a bona fide moron or b) are lying about punching some dude for talking shit about Holt and are therefore a bona fide moron. Also, every Machine Head album in-between Burn My Eyes and Through the Ashes of Empires was a cock sucking trend chasing waste of time. Deal with it.
FUCK MARIA BRINK. Someone told me that if you see her up close she’s not actually hot, but after looking closely at some candid photos (like this one), I realized you don’t really have to be very close to her all to see that she looks like a fucking rodent. Has this bitch had too much plastic surgery (excuse me, “work done”), or does she really just look like my morning crap? Also, did you know that she sells hand drawn pictures and poems on her MySpace page (I won’t link to it, go find it if you’re so fucking interested)? I haven’t read the poems but the pictures look like they were drawn by a retarded five year old. Stop wearing that stupid blue dress and trying to exploit your non-existent looks to cover up for your lack of talent. I hope Christina Scabbia kicks you in the twat.
Fuck me for writing this, and fuck you for reading it. I’m gonna go kill a fucking bunny that made fun of Alex Skolnick.
-AR
Back when we first heard that uber-producer du jour Jason Suecof was working with Lennon, we were more than a little surprised. But now that the project, called “Devil’s Gift,” has emerged, our surprise has been ugraded to shock in light of the fact that the song, “Shadow Never Ending,” SUCKS.
Let me say it again. This song SUCKS.
Lennon was never especially good – she sought to give listeners a “worst of both worlds” experience by creating nu metal for the Lillith Fair crowd – but Jesus Christ, this is some of the most insincere, trend-chasing bullshit I’ve subjected my poor ears to in a long while. Seriously, what could have brought about Lennon’s musical 180 if not some desire to (once again) try to be a cool Johnny-Come-Lately to an already dying scene? I think In This Moment are providing enough bad female-fronted American New Wank, but I guess Lennon felt she had something to contribute, too.
I really, really hope Suecof was well paid for this crap, because his street cred just went right in the shitter. Oh, well. We’ll always have Crotchduster.
Watch the video below. Better yet, don’t.
[kml_flashembed movie="http://www.youtube.com/v/BZu4Idv06co" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]
-AR
[Better late than never. This is the 6th and final installment of new MetalSucks contributor Corey Mitchell's reporting from South by Southwest 2008 in Austin, TX. Be on the lookout for more show reviews in the future from Corey. - Ed.]
BLACK TIDE/AT ALL COST/IN THIS MOMENT/JASTA @ RED 7 PATIO – Saturday, March 15, 2008 – 2:20 P.M. – 6:00 P.M.
Not feeling any older despite tossing back a few too many rum ‘n Cokes the night before, I ventured out one last time for my final metal fix of the 2008 SXSW Music Conference. Once again, I was headed toward another free show over at Red 7. The sun was scorching hot, not a cloud in the sky, and I was semi-interested in seeing teenage sensations…
BLACK TIDE
Okay, I’m sure you know all the hype. Every band member under the age of twenty, ridiculously good looking, led by frontman 14-year-old Gabriel, and signed to Interscope Records. It all sounds a little too Light of Doom-ish for my taste. In fact, it’s enough to make you wanna puke. But, again, I approached their set with an open mind, and again, I was pleasantly surprised.
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