UPDATED:

The first trailer for Rock of Ages, the movie adaptation of the Broadway musical that uses a bunch of 80s arena rawk and hair metal tunes, has been released, and, never before has a story about rebellious youth been sold via the utilization of so many old people. (Y’know, in case there was any doubt that the only people who would ever wanna see these are middle-aged folks nostalgic for their youths.) I mean, I love Alec Baldwin and Paul Giamatti as much of the next guy, but I need to see Catherine Zeta-Jones belt out “We’re Not Gonna Take It” like I need prostate cancer. I’m not even sure I understand why the uptight conservatives would be singing the Twisted Sister song and not the loosey-goosey rock n’ rollers… maybe it’s meant to be ironic? Whatever.

Rock of Ages comes out on June 1, 2012.

ORIGINAL POST:

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This is what Tom Cruise looks like in the now-filming Rock of Ages movie:

So, nobody would really blame you for looking at that picture and then pouring fucking Drano into your eyes.

And, oh yeah, by the way –

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If you’re reading this, then presumably the headline enticed you and you already know what you’re getting into. So why waste time? Here are some funny/interesting ways in which metal and Hollywood are currently overlapping:

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According to Deadline, it’s a possibility — Cruise has apparently been offered the role of “Dennis,” a bartender, in the upcoming feature film adaptation of the hit Broadway show, which recycles cock rock anthems into a story about young love or some such nonsense. I haven’t seen the show, but Deadline says that while it’s only a supporting role, Cruise  ”would get to belt out a bunch of 80s hair band tunes.” I love how they wrote “get to” — as though somewhere Tom Cruise is sitting around, calling his agents, screaming “Why haven’t I played a role where I sing old hair metal songs yet?!? GET ON IT!!!”

In any case, Cruise hasn’t accepted the part yet, so this could all end up being just some film exec’s wet dream. But what I find really hilarious about the whole situation is that, on Broadway, the role of “Dennis” is currently being played by Dee Snider. Because these two look appropriate for the same part, right?

-AR

I’ve never seen Rock of Ages, the “Broadway smash!” jukebox musical that incorporates (recycles) old hair metal and hair metal-friendly songs into what Variety tells me is the story of “two people who meet at the Sunset Strip club Rock of Ages, fall in love and try to stay together.” But I’m assuming it’s awful. I mean, on the one hand, if you’re gonna suffer through a Broadway musical, I understand the appeal of said musical at least featuring songs by Poison, Bon Jovi and Twisted Sister; but on the other hand, no I don’t.

ANYWAY, I mention all of this because Variety also tells me that Adam Shankman is going to be directing a feature film version of this show. Shankman presumably landed the job because he directed the movie of the musical of the movie Hairspray and the studio execs in charge needed 110% assurance that whomever they hired would do nothing original or creative whatsoever. He’s also directed such masterpieces as Bringing Down the House (Queen Latifah shows Steve Martin his inner brother), The Pacifier (Vin Diesel wears a tutu), and Cheaper by the Dozen 2.

Christ. They couldn’t even get the dickhead who directed the first Cheaper by the Dozen.

Rock of Ages has given the world one true gift, however – Bret Michaels getting whacked in the head at the Tony Awards:

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