After grunge got so popular that MTV’s 120 Minutes and Headbanger’s Ball somehow became practically the same show, a lot of hair metal bands tried to harden and “modern up” their sound — usually to disastrous results. Herein, a few of my favorite examples, presented in chronological order of their release.

First up we have Warrant’s “Machine Gun,” from the 1992 album Dog Eat Dog. This actually isn’t all that ridiculous, and came so early in the “let’s change our sound” cycle that I suspect it was intended more as a response to the success of bands like Guns N’ Roses and Skid Row than Nirvana. Still, it’s hardly “Cherry Pie” or “Heaven,” y’know?

Click to read more…

Not Sam Kinison

Well, gee, Jani Lane! We know you’re excited about hair metal week here on MetalSucks, but you didn’t have to do anything so dramatic! I mean, a guest blog would have been, like, totes satisfactory. Clearly, you have a sweet tooth. So perhaps even a recipe would have suffice? Maybe one for… cherry pie?

But, no. Not you, Jani. You had to go and make a STATEMENT, flamboyant showman that you are. You had to be sentenced to serve 120 days in prison for DUI. You’re a superstar!!!

Well, you sure did get our attention, Jani. What are you gonna do now? Your bitch tits are gonna look mighty fine to some of the fellas on the cellblock. Might-ee fine.

And so comes Jani’s statement: “I’m waiting for Vince Neil to show up, so we can celebrate being former skinny blonde dudes together.”

Oh, Jani. You scamp!

-AR

So Rocklahoma, the once cock-rockalicious festival, may be a wash this year, but it seems that there’s already a new fest to grab ahold of the Aquanet and let us relive our youth gone wile: Rock N America, which take place from July 23 to July 25 in – get this – Oklahoma. Huh.

The line-up basically plays like a who’s who of who shoulda been playing Rocklahoma this year: Scorpions, Twisted Sister, Ratt, Warrant, Dokken, Great White, Enuff Z’Nuff, Bullet Boys, Faster Pussycat, and the Tracii Guns/Jizzy Pearl version of L.A. Guns are all the bill. More bands will be announced soon; in my imagination that will include whatever is passing for Skid Row these days, Vince Neil, Adler’s Appetite, Beautiful Creatures and/or Bang Tango, and the other version of L.A. Guns. But who knows.

It is worth noting that the fest will take place at the Zoo Amphitheatre, which a) has a smaller capacity than the giant open fields of Rocklahoma and b) isn’t just a cool name from some venue, but, rather, is called the “Zoo Amphitheatre” because it’s actually at the fucking zoo. So unless it’s always been Chip Z’Nuff’s dream to play for a crowd of zebras, this isn’t going to be quite the event that Rocklahoma was for these bands.

Still, you should visit the Rock N America website, even if you’re not really interested in attending the show, because, well, it’s like the shittiest website of 1994 and is consequently pretty hilarious.

-AR

[via Bring Back Glam]

Man oh man, Jani Lane’s life just keeps getting better and better. After grunge basically killed his band’s record sales, he turned into a drunken mess who would perform live while openly wasted, on top of doing everything in his power to look more like Sally Struthers And he’s been in and out of so many different incarnations of Warrant that he should just join L.A. Guns already and get it over with.

And now there’s a warrant out for him.

Yep. A warrant for the dude from Warrant. Rimshot!

Click to read more…

Whenever hair rock is ridiculed, discounted, and slighted by metal’s sandy vaginas/haircut jockeys, it’s conveniently forgotten that the reviled oh-faced crotchboys only represent the most visually memorable/thematically asinine segment of the genre. I can’t FUCKING STAND this blind slagging, especially from dudes who weren’t there/out of diapers at the time. I was only a pre-teen (who looted a relative’s purse to buy the first Badlands tape  – sorry, Aunt Rita), yet even I knew about the movement of bands opposed to the fluffy, boob-crazy antics of Warrant, Poison, et al. Most were bluesier and dark, and therefore aimed at listeners whose incentive to purchase music lay beyond the promise of nipple-packed videos. And though it’s a microscopic distinction, I point out that the harder-edged hair rock acts put emphasis not on partying so much as on getting fucking fucked up. Also: No synths, but the occasional organ. Tight leather and denim, but no spandex. You get it. Sleaze Rock, not Splits-Off-Drum Riser Rock.

So why did these non-pretty, non-eyeliner bands get signed to major labels? I guess it’s thanks to the danger of Appetite For Destruction, but one could imagine the logic of targeting horny dudes who buy shitloads of CDs, though none offered by guys with names like Kip Winger or Mark Slaughter. (Except Florentine – total bulge-petter.) Okay, so none really went beyond Gold sales, but each landed a (probably awful) major deal: Atlantic signed Badlands, Geffen had Junkyard. Warners and BulletBoys. Columbia added to their Dokken-tainted roster both Love/Hate and arguably the most lovable and least loved, Dangerous Toys.

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Every now and then, something happens to make me feel like there really is some justice in the world.

So while it looks Limp Bizkit are going right back to being the mega-stars they never deserved to be in the first place, at least Creed – possibly one of the most worthless musical acts, like, ever – aren’t doing so hot.

From a recent news report on the band’s recent concert in Birmingham, Alabama:

Click to read more…

Here’s the video for DevilDriver’s “Fate Stepped In,” from Pray for Villians. It’s one of those Warrant-”Heaven” style tour montage videos, but no one is wearing white leather, Dez never sings right into the camera, and there’s no synchronized guitar moves. Oh well.

And just because I feel like it, here’s that Warrant video I was referencing…

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Our friend Allyson at Bring Back Glam has been reporting from Rocklahoma all week. She’s obviously a big fan of the event, given that a) she runs a site all about glam and b) she wrote the text for the Rocklahoma coffee table book that came out last year.

But she’s been making (perfectly valid) complaints about this year’s fest for the past ten months, taking issue in particular with this year’s line-up. And as it turns out, she was totally correct: attendance at this summer’s edition of the event was apparently abysmal.

Check out this photo Allyson took of the crowd. This was at dusk; if it was Ozzfest, everyone who skipped the second stage would be starting to pile in right about this time. No such luck for Great White, even though there was absolutely no chance of being burned alive at the outdoor venue:

Click to read more…

Last week, fat drunk fuck/on-again-off-again Warrant “vocalist” Jani Lane was arrested on a DUI charge; now The Detroit News is reporting that he owes $121,024 (geez that’s a precise number) in federal income taxes.

(The article’s author, Robert Snell, even makes a joke about Warrant’s debut album was called Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinking Rich. Oh, Robert, you scamp!)

All I can really say to this is: seriously, dude? I know that times are tough all around and Warrant ain’t the megastars they used to be, but come ON. You live on a liquid diet. Where is all the money going? And don’t try to tell me that this didn’t help pay the bills at all:

Even if all Arby’s paid you for the use of your masterpiece was a lifetime supply of Bacon Cheddar RoastBurgers – which, by all appearances, may very well be the case – then you’d still be saving cash.

Man. Some people just don’t know when they have it good.

-AR

[via Blabbermouth]

I have a feeling it’s gonna be a slow day here at MetalSucks. I’m pretty hungover and I was maybe 1/16th as drunk last night as Vince was – the last time I saw him, standing upright was becoming a challenge.

So.

Bring Back Glam posted this amusing cover of the Bloodhound Gang’s “Dear Chasey Lane,” which swaps out the lyrics about the titular porn star in favor of an ode to Warrant’s on again/off again vocalist. Even if you hate hair metal, I think it’d be hard not to get a kick out of this.

-AR

The latest Whitechapel video, “Possession,” was filmed in front of a real, live, paying audience at Worcester Mass’s legendary Palladium, and man oh man, does it make me wanna see these dudes live. Those kids look like they’re going nucking futs, don’t they? So much fun. Why did I ever stop going into pits, anyways?

The clip was directed by David Brodsky (who also did Whitechapel’s last video, “This is Exile”), who actually killed the director of Warrant’s “Heaven” video… with his mind! Sick.

Whitechapel’s This is Exile is out now on Metal Blade.

-AR

Last time I tried this I ended up with a $67 vintage Warrant tour t-shirt that I absolutely didn’t need. So…. Whaddya say? Axl and I would love to see AC/DC on November 12th or 13th at Madison Square Garden, but we totally snoozed on tickets. We are both AC/DC live virgins (new album be damned), and ya gotta see ‘em once, right? So… Anyone? Floor seats would be sweet — mmkay, thanks.

-VN

Rocklahoma, the three FIVE day hair metal festival in Pryor, Oklahoma, kicks off its second annual event tomorrow. Hard to believe it’s been a year since last year’s massively successful event, but it has, and this year’s lineup is even more extensive than the last.

Pretty much every hair band ever — both those still on the touring circuit and a bunch of recent reunions — are playing. This year’s headliners are Queensryche, Warrant, Triumph, Bret Michaels and Ratt. Even bands that were peripheral but related to the ’80s hair scene have joined in the party, such as Extreme, Living Colour, Jackyl and Armored Saint. There are also two sidestages with a smattering of lower-level national and regional bands, though the Rocklahoma website makes this info hard to find.

Apparrently 100,000 people attended last year’s event; this seems crazy to me, but I guess it speaks to this music’s longevity. New MetalSucks columnist Michael S. Robinson plans to write a piece about this topic later in the week.

Any of our readers going to Rocklahoma? I know at least one person who is SUPER psyched!

-VN

I’ve only seen Warrant live once, during one of those shed tours Poison does every summer. Jani Lane weighed approximately as much as the mother in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?, but he did appear to be relatively sober. Never before have I heard a lead singer so grateful to actually have a paying crowd there to see him; I think he thanked the crowd profusely in between each and every song, which might have cut into the set time a little, but kinda worked out since I don’t know if Warrant have a full hour’s worth of hits anyway (I’m assuming that there are few, if any, people who go to a Warrant show hoping to hear an “obscure” song that wasn’t once in heavy rotation on MTV).

Now the band’s power balled “Heaven” is being used in an AT&T commercial. I guess this could drive ticket sales for the band’s current reunion tour, but mostly, I imagine, it will provide each member with his biggest royalty check since Cherry Pie.

Check out the commercial below.

-AR

[via Blabbermouth]

When I posted a plea to our reader two weeks ago asking for someone to spend $67.46 on a vintage Warrant t-shirt from eBay for me, never did I think one of you guys would actually oblige. You guys are sure a surpisingly generous bunch of people for a bunch of stinky metalheads — because within 10 minutes, loyal MetalSucks reader DeathMetalDave had bought, paid for, and emailed me the receipt to the eBay auction. Which is awesome, because never in a million years would I spend so much money on a t-shirt; but hey, I ain’t complainin’. A few days later said shirt arrived in the mail. It was definitely the talk of the party last night.

Thank you DeathMetalDave! Dave will soon be getting a sweet care package of the best stuff we can find lying around the MetalSucks Mansion — which isn’t saying much, but hey, it’s something.

So, how about this McIntosh integrated amplifier? It’d sure be sweet to have.

Anyone?

-VN

In the eBay bad-assery department, we have this fine Warrant t-shirt which the auction assures us is “a real vintage tee from 1987.”

SPREAD ‘EM!

So who wants to buy this for me? Seriously folks, if this thing shows up at the MetalSucks Mansion (address is here) I promise you an emormous box full of CDs, records, and whatever other shit we have! Someone… anyone?

-VN

Over the weekend Blabbermouth reported that Poison will be doing another edition of their summer package tour, which isn’t surprising – for glam fans $30 to see three old hair metal acts complete with big light shows, pyro, and all the fixings is a pretty good deal.

What is kind of surprising is that Sebastian Bach has been announced as one of the openers; he’ll rotate with the other one, a George Lynch-less Dokken.

You read that correctly, folks. Dokken.

Now, Baz hasn’t exactly been the most dignified of sorts, but there’s a pretty huge difference between opening for Axl Rose at Madison Square Garden and opening for Poison at pretty much fuckin’ anywhere.

Funnier still is this quote from a 1999 interview with Baz: “We [Skid Row] were definitely separate from Poison and Warrant… Skid Row fans are not Poison fans.”

Oh, well. It’s easy to talk big when you don’t have bills to pay, I guess.

-AR

<begin sarcasm> It may not be as headline-grabbing as the Pretty Boy Floyd or Warrant reunions <end sarcasm>, but Buzzgrinder reports that Arkansas-based metalcore pioneers Living Sacrifice have reformed, will tour this summer, and are prepping a new album for release in 2008.

For those not in the know (like, um, me) Living Sacrifice formed in 1990 and released three records locally before getting picked up by Tooth & Nail / Solid State Records in 1996. Around this time the band fused their death and thrash metal influences with a punk and hardcore element, creating “metalcore” long before anyone called it that and even longer before it became a bad word. Perhaps we missed the boat on these dudes because of their Christian-leaning tendencies, but frankly they’re a damn good band and shouldn’t be overlooked. By all accounts, the band absolutely rips it live. Hopefully we’ll have the chance to catch them this summer.

-VN

[Living Sacrifice on MySpace (updated link)]

But hey, at lease Jani Lane isn’t such a fat fuck anymore, right? Now if he can actually manage to stay sober for more than fifteen minutes at a time…

-AR

Allyson over at Bring Back Glam! reports that “a very reliable source” reports seeing members of Warrant hanging out with Jani Lane at the Rainbow (in Hollywood) last week and “another industry insider” claims Jani will be back with Warrant for 2008.

In these reunion-happy times, why the fuck WOULDN’T Jani Lane rejoin Warrant? Warrant with Jani is worth a hell of a lot more money than Warrant without Jani.

Get yourself psyched up for a Warrant reunion, if you dig that sort of thing, with this video (reposted from Bring Back Glam!) of Warrant performing at Gazzarri’s in the early days, along with members of Poison and Faster Pussycat.

-VN

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