(HED) P.E. ANNOUNCE “HEAVY HITTERS TOUR.” NO, YOU DON’T GET TO HIT THEM.

I was confused about about the name of this tour because, well, being a “heavy hitter” is usually a euphemism for being “important,” and yet I’d heard of none of the other bands on this tour (Although I liked this description of the tour’s co-headliners: “Kingspade is just straight dope and they possess the freshness of the Kottonmouth Kings, but with a nice hip-hop twist.” First of all, describing a band’s music as “just straight dope” in 2008 is HILARIOUS; second of all, Kottonmouth Kings didn’t already have a “hip-hop twist?” I thought their music was, y’know, hip-hop?).

So I called (Hed) P.E.’s publicist for some clarification. I was hopeful that the band had finally taken my suggestion that they just rent out baseball bats and let “concert goers” beat the living shit out of them – hell, I even offered to buy a ticket that would cost at least as much as a sweet new band hoodie – but, alas, no. It’s just called “Heavy Hitters” because, to white kids who still think that Fred Durst is the future of music and that Kottonmouth Kings need more of a “straight dope hip-hop twist,” this is the tour of the fucking century.

-AR