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F*CK ROLLING STONE PART DEUX: WHO ARE THE GREATEST METAL GUITARISTS OF ALL TIME?

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F*CK ROLLING STONE PART DEUX: WHO ARE THE GREATEST METAL GUITARISTS OF ALL TIME?

My first Fuck Rolling Stone post on metal singers was such a hit I thought I’d dig back into the RS archives and stir up some more shit. So, I decided to re-read their summertime list of the 100 Greatest Guitarists of All Time (also here).

Thankfully, there are a few metallic (but mostly rockish) noteworthy icons; however, extreme metal is woefully ignored. Nonetheless, the list did include Jimi Hendrix (#1), Jimmy Page (#9), Kirk Hammett (#11), Kurt Cobain (#12), Johnny Ramone (#16), Tom Morello (#26), Thurston Moore/Lee Ranaldo (Sonic Youth) (#33/#34), Joe Perry (#48), Ritchie Blackmore (#55), Vernon Reid (#66), Eddie Van Halen (#70), Adam Jones (Tool) (#75), D. Boon (The Minutemen) (#89), Glen Buxton (Alice Cooper) (#90), Wayne Kramer/Fred “Sonic” Smith (MC5) (#92/#93), Kevin Shields (My Bloody Valentine) (#95), Angus Young (#96), Leigh Stephens (Blue Cheer) (#98), Greg Ginn (Black Flag) (#99), and Kim Thayil (Soundgarden) (#100).

And, yet another reason why we here at the MetalSucks Mansion like to say “Fuck Rolling Stone!” — coming in at #86, TOMMY Iommi…yes, “TOMMY.” How the fuck do you not know the first name of one of the true legends of not only metal, but of rock guitars? Hmmmmmmmm….Please, clue me in.

IT’S TONY, YOU FUCKS!!!

Anyway, here is my stab at the best Metal Guitarists of All Time — and for a point of reference, my Old Fartness will be shining through here, as will my love for rhythm guitarists:

14. Spike Cassidy – (D.R.I.) – Crunchy, sloppy, and memorable as fuck. Here’s hoping he’s beaten his cancer scare.

13. Tom Scholz– (Boston) – the opening riff to “Smokin’” from their self-titled debut album kills to this day. Plus, the guy graduated from M.I.T. and invented new technology for Polaroid. How cool is that?

12. Joe SatrianiSurfing with the Alien is still a great album , plus he worked with Kirk Hammett and produced Possessed’s Eyes of Horror EP. How cool is that?

11. Al Jourgensen– (Ministry/Revolting Cocks/Pail/1000 Homo DJs/Lard/PTP/Acid Horse/Buck Satan) – riff-master non-pareil. Also produced Skrew’s debut while strung out on smack. How cool is that?

10. Adrian Smith – (Iron Maiden) – the backbone of this great band. Don’t believe me? Listen to Maiden’s output after his departure. Total crap.

9. Angus Young – (AC/DC) – Dun, dun-nu-nuh, dun-nu-nuh. Good enough for Beavis and Butthead, then it’s good enough for me. Not to mention, he was the gateway drug to heavier metal for plenty of Old Farts like me.

8. Scott Ian – (Anthrax/S.O.D.) – Probably the coolest guy in metal and easily the best rhythm guitarist alive even if his best work is twenty years behind him. NOT!

7. Gary Holt– (Exodus) – Douchebag or not, this guy has written some of the heaviest fucking riffs that ever aurally raped your ears. I like salad. Baked potato, some cream cheese, and some chives…I like salad.

6. Kirk Hammett– (Exodus/Metallica) – Guitarist for two of the Big Five thrash bands and he has to put up with Lars’ and James’ shit and has yet to go postal. How fucking cool is that?

5. Randy Rhoads – (Quiet Riot/Ozzy Osbourne) – Sure he’s the dead Munchkin god of metal guitarists, but he did play in Quiet Riot. Two to three point cred deduction for that misstep. RIP!

4. James Hetfield– (Metallica) – Pre-TBA of course. Proof that drugs and alcohol are not so bad after all.

3. Dave Mustaine– (Metallica/Megadeth) – Because, after all, he did invent thrash.

2. Eddie Van Halen– (Van Halen) – Mention the name Eddie Van Halen to an Old Fart like me and memories of road trips to the beach in Galveston, drinking unmentionable amounts of alcohol illegally, and clumsily trying to have sex in the backseat of my orange-on-the-outside, green-on-the-inside ’73 Nova come crashing forth. Good times!

1. “Dimebag” Darrell Abbott– (Pantera/Damageplan/Rebel Meets Rebel) – I saw him (back when he was nicknamed “Diamond” Darrell) in a tiny nightclub in Houston ripping Metallica and Motley Crue covers, but what I was really excited about was hearing his leads on Projects in the Jungle. After two sets that lasted three hours, I then drank copious amounts of Texas brews with him followed by the now infamous Black Tooth Grins. I truly cannot think of a nicer person I have ever met in the business. His playing, of course, was phenomenal, emotional, and heavy as fuck. But what made Dime so incredible was his smile and devilish sense of humor. You are sorely missed. RIP!

Alright, let’s see what you’ve got. Tell me who your favorite axe-slingers, shredders, posers, crunchers, twiddlers, wammy bar abusers, rhythm kings, wankers, showboats, pick-sweeping, arpeggio masturbatin’, feedback fuckin’ Gods of Metal are!

-CM

[Corey Mitchell is also a best-selling author of books and blogsabout serial killers, mass murderers, and brutal crimes against humanity. He also loves The Backyardigans.]

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