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JOHN DOLMAYAN GOTTA EAT, SON

190

johnScars on Broadway didn’t work out. I’m still not entirely sure why. There seems to be some consesus that their album sucked, but I didn’t think so at all (and neither did my colleague Sammy O’Hagar, who reviewed the record). In any case, it’s a moot point, because at the end of the day, all any of us really want is for System of a Down to get back together already.

And I suspect no one wants that more than drummer John Dolmayan, who apparently auditioned to be the new drummer for Smashing Pumpkins. Because there’s really only two possible reasons he might have done this:

  1. He’s bored.
  2. He’s broke.

For the sake of humor, let’s assume Dolmayan is broke.

Because if it’s just boredom, than, really, why audition? You’re John Fucking Dolmayan. You’re “offer only,” bitch. Maybe your name doesn’t carry John Bonham weight, but it’s not like you’re some slouch. Fuck, the next most famous drummer Billy Corgan could think to name drop is Frank Lenz, who played with whoever the fuck the second guitarist in the Pumpkins is these days in some band with a name so dumb I don’t even wanna type it here.

Can you imagine if Dolmayan DOESN’T get the gig? If he loses out to Frank “Who the Fuck Am I?” Lenz??? How humiliating!

Now I’m hoping that Dolmayan will come out and make some statement about he was actually just jamming with the band as a favor to Corgan, not auditioning – the same way Eddie Van Halen called bullshit on Limp Bizkit when they tried to make it sound like EVH had tried out for the then-departed Wes Borland’s spot. Because Corgan is already so fucking pathetic that having Dolmayan tell the world he’s a lying prick would just be too, too funny.

And if Dolmayan really did audition for the Pumpkins? Then I’m assuming that a) there’s no SOAD reunion on the horizon and b) the poor guy must be starving. Maybe Serj Tankian can play a benefit concert to raise canned foods for the dude?

-AR

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