Ask Oderus



gwar oderus urungusYou ask questions, Oderus answers. It’s a pretty simple formula, really. This week Mr. Urungus tackles MS reader questions ranging from crabcore to Anthrax to Hitler, raping whales, Lordi (and their inherent suckitude) and a whole host of other topics. Yeah, Oderus talks a LOT of shit in this one! Your questions answered, after the jump.

If you’ve got any questions for Oderus, drop them in the comments section for Oderus to answer next time around.

1)       George Bush, Kerry King and yourself walk into a bar, hilarity ensues. Discuss…

First of all what bar?  Because I heard that anytime Kerry King goes to Europe the only place he will go to is T.G.I. Fridays and I hate that fucking place. And I guess Bush would be stoned to death if he dared to show his face outside of Crawford… so let’s assume we are talking about a bar in the United States!  And while we are assuming that let’s just go and make it my favorite bar.  But what’s my favorite bar? Hmmmm… I guess New Orleans is my favorite American city to party in.  There is this great bar down by the waterfront called The Abbey.  It’s just a little dive with a good jukebox.  But they must have built it on an Indian burial site or something because I have got more fucked up in that place than just about anywhere else. Anyway what was the question?

2)       What are your thoughts on Crabcore?  *Search it on MetalSucks

I refuse to answer any questions that require me to put any effort into anything.  Luckily for you I know all about what you speak of, being responsible for every cool thing to ever come out of the human experience and yes I consider Crabcore cool!  if you don’t know what it is, YOU go look it up!

3)       Why haven’t you slaughtered ICP and all the Juggalos yet?

They don’t really bother me all that much.  They are after all a lot like Gwar – despised and feared by a music industry that doesn’t understand them yet beloved by their legions of fans.  Of course that doesn’t excuse them from the fact that they are humans and must ultimately be destroyed.  But Republicans and emo-kids (in their 30’s) are on the list way ahead of them!

4)       GWAR is fucking terrible. Don’t bother with the “They have a great live show” comeback. They don’t. It’s entertaining for about 15 minutes, but REALLY drags on and on and on. I wanted to stick a pair of scissors in my ears. HORRIBLE band. HORRIBLE.

Of course we are terrible! Terrible in our wrath! And as far as the scissors in your ears, what are you waiting for?  The next Gwar album?

5)       Do you like fish sticks?

I don’t hate them, I guess… don’t really like them either!  Don’t really think too much about them… never did.  Why do you? Do you work for a fish stick company?  Are you hoping to?  Or maybe you are just bored out of your skull and trying to be funny.  Well, cut it out!

6)       Is it fair the singer from Anthrax got fired for shitting on the bass player’s back? Don’t you regularly give Cleveland steamers to Jizmak?

Was that really what happened?  Was he really that bad a bass player?  Wait… are you saying they fired the guy that shit on the bass player?  Why would they do that?  That band is never going to make it!  Who did you say they were again?  And as far as Jizmak goes, he IS a Cleveland steamer.

7)       My shirt is still stained with Hitler’s seaman from one of your shows. What is the best way to remove the funk of tyrannical man chowder?

Why would you want to get rid of it?  That stuff rules!  And anyway, I don’t think you CAN get rid of it.  In fact, I think it probably spread to the rest of your clothing.  How could you be stained by Hitler’s “seaman” anyway?  What, did the last surviving crew member of the Bismark masturbate on you?

8)       What’s the first thing that comes to your mind when you read these words: Bill O’Reilly, marshmallows, and a cocker spaniel?

Fellow Fox correspondent.  Abducted children.  Anal bliss.

9)       Whats your favorite kind of inter-species erotica?

My current quest is to have sex with a living blue whale.  I have traveled the world as host of my own as-yet-un-aired nature show (going to be on the animal-raping planet network, which I must create with funding I shall receive from Al Gore), searching always for new creatures to rape.  Many blue whale carcasses I have humped but never a living one.

10)   Situation: you’re in a sports bar in Denmark casually beheading soccer fans. Lars Ulrich walks in. Your eyes lock. What do you shove up his ass and how fast do you go?

First of all I never “casually” behead anyone.  Secondly its “football” not “soccer”.  Thirdly I would say Cliff Burton’s skull, and not fast at all, very, very slowly…

11)   A black guy and a Puerto Rican are in a car, who’s driving?

Neither, they are fighting over who will.  Neither, a cop is driving and they are in the back seat.  Neither, they are both too lazy.  I could go with this all day!

12)   Who will win in a wrestling match? Lordi or Pussycat Dolls?

I would have to say the Pussycat Dolls, thought I am not sure… Perhaps some kind of wrestling audition can be arranged… one where the Pussy-Cat Dolls are forced to wrestle the Cuttlefish of Cthulu (and also lick each other’s pussies).  I could get them all pregnant, raise all the children and then throw them down a well full of eels.  How their piercing screams enliven my love-nugget.  Oh yeah, Lordi sucks.

13)   What comes out of your bumpy red penis when you ejaculate? And is there any way I could get a sample myself? (For personal reasons)

I think it’s semen but it seems to change colors quite a bit… at the Wacken Open Air metal fest I was getting a 50-foot arc!  So its pretty easy to get a face, mouth, or ass-full of my diseased semen.  Just come on down to a Gwar show. P.S. I gave Magic the AIDS.

14)   What’s the best place to pick up 13 year old quadriplegic chicks?

Nursing homes, strip clubs and Gwar shows.  But stay the fuck away from my girlfriend!

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