Jumping Darkness Parade




Do you guys have any issues with cops? Ever been unfairly treated by one or many? No, this isn’t a defense attorney ad, but I’m just curious. You see, prior to one thing that happened on the last tour DAATH did (and, granted, it wasn’t HUGE), I had never ever been messed with by a cop. I’ve always treated them with respect, and somehow they’ve always treated me that way. And I KNOW that is a rare situation because I hear from so many people about how they’ve been brutalized or fucked with or just not treated right by some cops.

My thought has always been, who you gonna call at 5 a.m. if someone is rummaging through your house and you don’t own a gun? They’ll risk their lives for you, so with me, there’s always a baseline of respect. But this thing that happened to us sure did shatter that respect for at least one cop.

And you know what? He seriously did look like somebody bred a pig with a human. I mean you couldn’t get a better caricature of the pig/cop stereotype if you put blue shirts and hats on a bunch of farm pigs. This guy was sweating, this guy looked like a pig, and this guy was mad.

Here’s what happened: DAATH was on the way to a show in North Carolina. While passing through South Carolina, we ended up in a bumper to bumper for miles traffic jam. Two lanes. Both clogged like a constipated senior citizen at a truck stop. Nowhere to go but forward ever-so-slowly. I was driving and Emil was navigating. Every so often, we’d see cars fly by in the emergency lane. By the third one Emil and I were laughing about how those dumb asses always get caught. Why even bother doing that?

And not three minutes later does Officer Pork walk into the street, motion for some traffic to go around him, and point straight at me with anger in his eyes and his whistle
blowing loudly. And then he motions for us to pull over. WHAT THE FUCK? FOR REAL? WHAT THE FUCK DID WE DO?

So we pull over and he comes up and he tells us that he done saw us coming over the hill in the emergency lane. I tell him no way we would do that. We have no exits here to rush to, plus we were JUST talking about how people who do that get busted. Well, the cop then tells me I’m lying. I’m not lying. He tells me that if I tell the truth maybe I can get away with a warning. Okay – stop for just a second. He thinks I’m lying. You’re not supposed to lie to a cop. And he’s telling me that if I admit to lying, that he’s gonna let me off? Somehow things just don’t seem right. What if the next question is “Do you have any drugs in the vehicle?” And we answer “no,” to which he says, “How do I know you’re not lying to me. I’ll have to search your vehichle.” That would have been very, very, very bad. I had some painkillers on me an angel gave me when the docs wouldn’t prescribe them for my broken rib. Also who knows what else was in the van. I’m sure you guys can all guess that its 420 all the time in DAATH land.

Anyways, I told him I wasn’t lying and I took the ticket. Fucked if you do, and way more fucked if you don’t. I paid it. $155 for something I didn’t do. I still respect cops. But my patience has definitely been tested.

You guys ever have a similar or worse experience?


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