Jumping Darkness Parade




We’ve all fucked up. Some worse than others, but we have all fucked up. And if you haven’t fucked up, it’s because you haven’t had the chance. It’s hard to fuck up if all you ever do is go back and forth between this website and World Of Warcraft. Unless you fucked up at that. But that doesn’t count because it’s not real life.

I’m talking about real life. We’ve all fucked up. And most of us have gotten away with some shit we shouldn’t have gotten away with. GUILTY. I have done so many idiotic things that sometimes I wonder why I’m not dead or have a record (Criminal, not musical.). I could write a leaflet entitled, “The Joys of Driving Drunk,” but I won’t. I’m just gonna tell you guys here about some stupid shit I’ve done. I learned my lesson. You guys shouldn’t do this, but those of you who will aren’t gonna listen to me anyways so whatever… have fun!

When fucking up, I think there comes an instance where you realize, “WOW, I really shouldn’t be doing this.” And if that feeling is strong enough, that will eventually separate those who wisen up from those who die.

Here’s an example. First time I went to see Opeth was in the Blackwater Park days. I had just started getting really, really into them, and I heard they were playing. My now-dead friend Dan and I decided to go. He brought eight joints of the finest weed we could find. During the opening bands we just creeped at the back and pounded Long Island Iced Tea after Long Island Iced Tea. I think maybe when I was ten deep when it was changeover for Opeth time. Dan and I powered our way to the front and just started smoking those magical joints. Somehow we didn’t get kicked out. Don’t ask me how, but we didn’t. That show was FUCKING SPECTACULAR. I felt like I was watching goddamn Led Zeppelin or some shit.

When the show was over, I got in my car to drive and realized that driving then was possibly one of the dumbest things I could ever do. How did I know? I was seeing triple and everything was soooooo fucking bright.

Well, I did it anyways. From the club to my house. All fifteen miles. I could’ve been arrested and never been allowed to play Canada or Japan. I could’ve wrapped my car around a pole. I could have killed a family or pedestrian. I could have completely fucked up everything I’ve ever aspired to become or do in this world because of one blasted night at an amazing show. None of those things happened. I just went home lucky as fuck. What a dumb thing to do. What was strange was that the whole time I was doing it, I was thinking, “This is fucking stupid. I can’t believe I’m doing this. I will never do this again if I make it.”

Well, that was in the year 2000, or 2001. I was an angel about it up until one fateful night in Phoenix, Arizona in 2008. I was there working on one of my other projects at the same time as a very big tour that had a lot of my friends on it was coming through. I had to go. It was like goddamn high school reunion. The kicker was that the tour was set to enter Texas the next day. Texas cops are notoriously vicious towards musicians, especially about weed. Consequently, the bands on the tour all had to unload all their weed.

Imagine a sweatshop comprised of a bunch of metal dudes you all know and listen to, all furiously rolling joints. There were about thirty joints all going around at once. And not to mention drinking. I drank so much whisky that night I could light your face on fire. Prior to the show I had a foresight that the night may degenerate, and I got a hotel room across the street. Well, after bus call, Kevin Talley, who was also bombed, and I got in my rental car and tried to find the hotel. Just across the street. What’s the big deal? Well guess what. WE COULDN’T FUCKING FIND IT BECAUSE WE WERE TOO FUCKED UP! So what was our logical conclusion? Drive ten miles on the highway to the house we were both staying at.

We made it. No incident. But fuck, man. What a dumb move on our parts. That night I decided it would never ever ever happen again and it hasn’t. It’s just not worth it, but it sure is fucking fun.

You guys ever gotten away with murder?


It would be really fucked up of you not to visit Daath on MySpace.

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