Ask Oderus

ASK ODERUS: ODERUS URUNGUS RETURNS TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS ABOUT OPRAH, NECROPHILIA AND BESTIALITY PORN

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oderusGREETINGS HUMAN SCUM, IT IS I, ME, THE LORD AND MASTER OF THIS AND EVERY OTHER WORLD I CAN THINK OF, YOUR HOST WITH THE MOST (COCK), ODERUS URUNGUS OF THE MIGHTY GWAR! AND WHAT FOLLOWS IS MY FIRST OFFICIAL COMMUNIQUE OF THIS FELGLING DECADE, TAKING THE FORM OF YOUR PATHETIC ENTREATIES REGARDING A HOST OF MATTERS BOTH PERTINENT AND OBSCURE. THAT’S RIGHT, ONCE AGAIN IT IS TIME FOR THE UNPARALELLED AWESOMOSITY THAT IS “ASK ODERUS”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oderus. I was wondering if the revelation of Lady GaGa being a tranny has altered your desire to make intergalactic relations with him/her/it. Also has “Pokerface” gone from annoying to slightly disturbing? How many Lady GaGa dongs would it take to make you vomit all over yourself?

I SEE IMMEDIATELY THAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY TRYING TO SNEAK THREE QUESTIONS IN HERE… AND THREE STUPID ONES AT THAT. I MEAN HERE YOU HAVE A CHANCE TO TALK TO GOD AND YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT LADY GA-GA… PLUS YOU ARE TRYING TO CHEAT! BUT DESPITE THE ABSOLUTE WORTHLESSNESS OF YOUR QUESTIONS (AND THEREFORE, YOU…), I WILL ANSWER ALL THREE OF THEM.

1)      No.
2)      No.
3)      I PUKE AT WILL SO I SUPPOSE THE ANSWER WOULD BE SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN ZERO AND INFINITY, DEPENDING ON WHAT KIND OF MOOD I WAS IN…

Dear Oderus, Could you please let me know what your preferred method for cleaning a sperm n slide is?

WHY IN THE HELL WOULD YOU WANT TO CLEAN YOUR SPERM N SLIDE? IT WORKS SO MUCH BETTER DIRTY, ESPECIALLY AFTER THE MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR DROPS A LOAD—ACTUALLY MORE LIKE 300 OF ‘EM! SO FORGET IT, YOU REALLY CAN’T CLEAN THEM… I MEAN WE ARE TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING THAT SPENDS MOST OF ITS TIME BEING JACKED OFF ON.  AND THEN AT NIGHT HOMELESS PEOPLE COME BY AND SHIT ALL OVER IT. OH THAT’S RIGHT, I JUST REMEMBERED HOW TO CLEAN A SPERM N SLIDE — GET YOUR MOM TO LICK IT UP!

Which has had a greater influence on your artistic endeavors (for you personally, not necessarily the rest of the band): NAMBLA or bestial porn?

I WOULD SAY THAT THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE IS THE CASE HERE. BOTH NAMBLA AND BESTIAL PORN WERE DIRECTLY INSPIRED AND INDEED EVEN CREATED BY THE MIGHTY GWAR! IT WAS THE ONSTAGE ANAL ANTICS OF YOURS TRULY THAT INSPIRED BAY AREA GAY ARYANS TO GO PUBLIC WITH THEIR PUBICS — THUS NAMBLA WAS BORN! AND OF COURSE THERE NEVER WOULD HAVE BEEN BESTIAL PORN FOR THE HUMANS TO MASTURBATE TO UNLESS WE HAD CREATED THEM BY FUCKING APES (AND WE DID MAKE HOME MOVIES OF THAT). BUT EVEN IF THE OPPOSITE WERE TRUE, WE WOULD NEVER BE INFLUENCED BY ANYTHING THE HUMANS DID, WITH THE POSSIBLE EXCEPTION OF MAYBE SOMEBODY TAKING A CRAP IN MY MOUTH!

Do you and your fellow extraterrestrials know about and or practice the art of birthday sex?

ANYONE FAMILIAR WITH GWAR KNOWS THAT WE NEVER PRACTICE. I MEAN, WHY LEAVE YOUR BEST SHOTS ON THE PRACTICE TEE? AND TO PRACTICE SOMETHING LIKE ART, WELL, THAT’S USELESS… I MEAN YOU EITHER HAVE IT OR YOU DON’T! BUT YOUR QUESTION BECOMES EVEN MORE RETARDED WHEN YOU THROW IN THIS INANE CONCEPT OF “BIRTHDAY SEX”… YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET LAID WHENEVER AND WHERE EVER YOU SO CHOOSE, REGARDLESS OF IT BEING YOUR BIRTHDAY OR NOT. SO I SUPPOSE I DON’T SUPPORT THE CONCEPT OF “BIRTHDAY SEX”, BUT AM FULLY BACKING THE IDEA OF “EVERYDAY RAPE”.

I recently saw a girl in one of my classes with a GWAR shirt on. I had my suspicions if she actually knew who GWAR were (not that anybody REALLY knows), so I talked to her about the shirt and she said she thought it was cool and really didn’t know about GWAR. Should I kill her, sodomize her, kill her then sodomize her, or make her my girlfriend and cheat on her? I’m open to suggestions.

THOSE ARE ALL PRETTY GOOD IDEAS EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT SHE IS A WOMAN. WHY DON’T YOU TRY THE SAME THING WITH AN ANIMAL? AND WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WASTING YOUR TIME GOING TO CLASSES FOR? UNLESS, MUCH LIKE TED BUNDY, YOU ARE SCOPING OUT POTENTIAL VICTIMS. AND WHY IS THIS WOMAN WEARING A SHIRT ANYWAY? ON MY PLANET ALL WOMEN ARE MADE TO WEAR HOOP-SKIRTS AND ASTRO-TURF UNDERWEAR! AND THE ONLY REASON THEY WEAR THAT IS SO WE CAN RIP IT OFF! OR SOMETHING.

My question is this, Oh Lord of all that is filthy and impregnable. If you had to be anally penetrated, would you rather it be Salvador Dali or Mickey Rourke? And would you ask for a reach around?

WITH WHAT PART OF THEIR BODIES? BECAUSE MICKEY’S HEAD IS MUCH LARGER THAN SALVADOR’S, AND THERE IS A LOT OF ROOM DOWN THERE! AND IF YOU HAVE TO ASK FOR THE REACH-AROUND WHATS THE FUCKING POINT? MAYBE YOU SHOULD DATE A CHICK WITH NO ARMS.

I banged this chick last night for the 3rd time and I have been noticing that whenever we fuck, she starts sweating really bad and starts to stink a little. I don’t think she wears deodorant. I kinda like the smell, but it kinda disgusts me. I kinda like that it disgusts me. Thoughts?

I KINDA THINK THAT THIS IS KINDA THE KINDA QUESTION THAT I KINDA HATE.

Will you ever write a book about your interplanetary travels?

FINALLY, A QUESTION WORTHY OF ME, THE OFFICIAL FOX INTERPLANETARY CORRESPONDENT! THE ANSWER IS YES, I AM CURRENTLY HARD AT WORK (A COMPLETE LIE) AT CREATING A WIZENED TOME PACKED TO BURSTING WITH WITTY ANECDOTES REGARDING MY VARIOUS COSMIC ATROCITIES. FROM THE OBLITERATION OF FLAB QUARV 7 ALL THE WAY UNTIL WE WERE LAUNCHED TOWARDS THIS PLANET BY THE MASTER’S COSMIC BUTT-CANNON! IT MIGHT TAKE AWHILE THOUGH… LIKE SEVERAL THOUSAND YEARS. I’M A BIT OF A SLOW WRITER, AS THE GUYS THAT RUN THIS SITE WILL TELL YOU!

Dear Oderus, since she has announced she is leaving her television show, do you believe Oprah is going to run for president of the United States in 2012? Ever killed Oprah?

YES, I HAVE KILLED OPRAH MANY TIMES BUT LIKE MANY OF YOUR CELEBRITIES SHE IS JUST RE-GROWN IN GREAT SPAWNING CHAMBERS LOCATED SOMEWHERE DEEP BENEATH THE LIVING HELLHOLE THAT IS HOLLYWOOD! AS FAR AS HER POLITICAL ASPIRATIONS GO, I AM UNSURE OF WHAT HER PLANS ARE, BUT WHAT THE HELL, IF YOU LET THAT OBAMA CHARACTER IN THE WHITE HOUSE WHY THE HELL NOT LET OPRAH BE PRESIDENT? SHE COULD TRADE SUCK-JOBS FOR VOTES, AND LET HOMELESS PEOPLE LIVE IN HER CAVERNOUS VAGINA!

Which is more adorable, puppies or kittens?

OH, OF COURSE PUPPIES, AS LONG AS YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT THE PUPPIES OF MY HOME WORLD OF SCUMDOGGIA! THESE CREATURES ARE 30 FEET TALL, BREATH FLAME, AND HAVE ACTUALLY EATEN ALL THE KITTENS ON THE PLANET.

What is the best Christmas gift you’ve ever given? And the best you’ve ever received?

I DON’T GIVE OUT PRESENTS AND I TAKE WHAT I WANT. CHRISTMAS IS A BULLSHIT HOLIDAY AND THE ONLY GOOD THING ABOUT IT IS THE ELEVATED SUICIDE RATES THAT THE SEASON BRINGS.  SANTA CLAUS (who is a cocksucker…) WAS CRUCIFIED AFTER WE MADE HIM SUCK OFF HIS REINDEER, AND YOUR PATHETIC JESUS WAS ACTUALLY A CABINET MAKER! BUT I SUPPOSE OUR MERE PRESENCE HERE IS ENOUGH OF A GIFT FOR YOU…AND I DO ACCEPT DONATIONS OF CRACK!

I recently discovered that necrophilia doesn’t actually have penalties in 29 of the 50 states and in the District of Columbia. Even some of the ones that do have laws against it count it as a misdemeanor. What are your thoughts on the government’s decision on this and do you have any advice for one looking to engage in necrophilia (the fact that they cannot say no is very appealing to me).

ACTUALLY I MISS THEM SAYING “NO” AND MY SOLE COMPLAINT ABOUT FUCKING THE DEAD IS THAT THEY DON’T SCREAM WHEN THEIR RECTUM BLOWS OUT IN AN EXPLOSION OF FUDGY DROLLOPS. MY ADVICE TO YOU, DEAR NECROPHILE, IS TO GET A JOB IN WASHINGTON D.C. IT’S NO SURPRISE TO ME THAT FUCKING THE DEAD IS PROTECTED IN THE NATION’S CAPITOL AS MANY LEADING POLITICIANS ARE CORPSE-HUMPERS. THOSE GUYS WILL DO ANYTHING FOR VOTES!

What will happen in 2012? Will we be over run with your offspring? Or will we all be destroyed by you? Will you spare the hot women? Will you keep the crack, booze, weed, and speed?

HERE WE GO AGAIN, SOMEBODY ELSE TRYING TO GET AWAY WITH ASKING WAY TOO MANY QUESTIONS. AND ONCE AGAIN I SHALL ANSWER THEM! BECAUSE ONCE AGAIN, THEY SUCK! FIRST OF ALL, I HATE TO BREAK THE NEWS TO YOU BUT 2013 WILL BE PRETTY MUCH THE SAME AS EVERY OTHER YEAR—SHITTY! AS FAR AS THE MAYAN LONG COUNT CALENDER SAYING THE WORLD WILL END NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH, THEY JUST HADN’T WRITTEN THE NEXT CHAPTER! AND YOU ARE ALREADY OVERRUN BY MY OFFSPRING—YOU FORGET WE CREATED YOUR RACE BY FUCKING APES! AND THAT MAKES YOU ONE OF OUR OFFSPRING. AND AS FOR THE HOT WOMEN, CRACK, BOOZE, WEED AND SPEED, WELL THAT’S AN EASY ONE… SO EASY IN FACT THAT I AM NOT GOING TO TELL YOU.

I’ve heard that one day GWAR will train younger musicians to take up the reigns once you retire/return to space. What could one do to get on that list and what kind of ritual would it require?

SHAVE YOUR GENITALS AND SHOVE A GARDEN GNOME UP YOUR ASS. THEN DRINK A BATHTUB FULL OF ELEPHANT PISS WHILE LISTENING TO EVERY ONE OF OUR ALBUMS AT THE SAME TIME. EAT A NINE-TON CRACK BOULDER, RAM A BROADSWORD THROUGH GOR-GOR’S HEAD, AND MISS SOUNDCHECK BY SEVERAL HOURS. OH YES, AND TAKE WAY TOO LONG TO GET THE ANSWERS TO “ASK ODERUS” BACK TO THE WEBMASTER. THEN, AND ONLY THEN, COULD YOU POSSIBLY GET ON THE LIST…WHICH DOESN’T EXIST ANYWAY, BECAUSE WE ARE FUCKING IMMORTAL!

I heard that Gwar once played a show with the legendary Gene Simmons in the crowd. Is this true? If so, why didn’t you get him to join you on stage by dropping some change?

I ONCE MET GENE BACKSTAGE AT A NAMBLA RALLY. HE COMPLIMENTED ME ON THE GIRTH OF MY CUTTLEFISH, AND I TOLD HIM THAT HE WOULDN’T LIKE IT ONE BIT IF I RAMMED IT UP HIS ASS. BUT IT IS TRUE THAT THE ENTIRE BAND DID COME TO SEE GWAR AT A SHOW AT THE LIMELIGHT IN NYC. THEY HAD A VIP BOX AND WERE TREATED TO GWAR’S COVER VERSION OF THEIR CLASSIC HIT “DETROIT ROCK CITY”, WHICH WE MANGLED SO HORRIBLY THAT THEY LEFT BEFORE THE SONG WAS OVER!

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