Hipsters Out Of Metal!


  • Anso DF

Since immortalizing hair rock bimboism in The Decline of the Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years, it seems like Riki Rachtman has never passed up an opportunity for humiliation. His tenure as host of MTV’s once great Headbanger’s Ball could be summed up with a prolonged groan. Then, after following commercial metal into oblivion in the ’90s, the panting toady returned to my living room and doghouse thanks to the success of Bret Michaels’ Rock Of Love, as he delightfully set about wagging a judgmental finger at drunken reality show sluts. Maybe I’m out of touch, but that seems kinda contradictory to the spirit of rock ‘n roll, to which Rachtman ostensibly pledges allegiance. We love drunken sluts. We loathe responsible behavior. Shut up, Rachtman. Again.

It’s 2010 now and obviously it was with tittering anticipation that I followed Rachtman’s latest invitation to embarrassment, in which he challenged Good Charlotte’s Benji Madden, total lamewad, to a boxing match. Rachtman stated back in March:

On April 3 I will be in a boxing match at the Hard Rock Casino in Las Vegas. I will be fighting Benji Madden who plays in a band called Good Charlotte. I have been training hard for nine months now and I think this event will surprise a lot of people. This is a major event in my life. I’m not in my 30s [anymore] and I have never excelled in any sporting event. I have no problem admitting that because I am proud of myself for trying so many different things.

Priceless, right? Well, you can see where this is heading! Monday on Blabbermouth:

Good Charlotte guitarist Benji Madden was crowned champion at a celebrity boxing match on Saturday night, April 3 after knocking out former MTV “Headbangers Ball” host Riki Rachtman at Las Vegas’ Hard Rock Hotel and Casino

Rachtman: “Benji Madden just kicked my ass. I got wasted by the guy in Good Charlotte. I’m a little disappointed that the rule book was thrown out the window. The whole time I thought it was boxing — bearhugs, tackles, and hitting a guy when he’s down is not boxing. Benji wrestled in school and it showed. But kudos to Benji; he took it to me and has a mean right.”

Um, I’m no boxing expert but it’s possible that Rachtman’s loss was not because of lax rules enforcement, but due to Madden’s size advantage of eight inches and 1400 pounds over the widdle bitty Rachtman. Sadly, even when tempting physical injury, Rachtman robs me of smug satisfaction by enlisting an even more detestable no-talent pop punk blubberpot for face-punching duties. However, in his comments Rachtman promises a future in amateur boxing; so allow me to propose the next match, a fair fight with someone of similar age, height, and build. Folks, get your tickets now for Riki Rachtman vs. Henry Rollins 2010: The Skull Smashening.


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