QUESTION OF THE WEEK: IF YOU WERE GOING TO BE MARRIED AT A METAL CONCERT, WHICH SHOW WOULD IT BE AND WHY?
Welcome to a new feature here at MetalSucks, “Question of the Week.” Each week (duh) we’ll ask our staff a question (double duh) based around a recent hot button issue.
Unfortunately, this week there really were no hot button issues, so inspired by the Ozzfest “Unholy Matrimony” VIP package, we decided to ask our writers a silly question instead:
If you were going to be married at a metal concert, which show would it be and why?
Their answers after the jump.
It’s got to be at an Axl N’ Roses concert. Because nothing says “marriage” better than watching a guy who can’t stick with a band member for any extended period of time, throws temper tantrums and walks of stage, creates constant drama, and blames all of his problems on everyone else.
Tool. Why? The music would be awesome, but not so heavy that it scared the shit outta any non-metal in attendance; it would guarantee that there’d be weed around, which is gonna be key if I’m really gonna commit to one woman for the rest of my life; and, of course, there would be lasers, which is an important component of any successful marriage.
With the aid of a time machine and some chloroform, I’d wed a semi-conscious Charlize Theron as we dangle from a helicopter above Van Halen’s 1983 US Festival set during “Little Guitars.” As I jam the ring onto Char’s crumpled, inert finger, David Lee Roth would down the chopper with a rocket-propelled grenade and the 670,000 fans in attendance would catch and body-pass us, the happy couple, to the tongue of the stage where a Roth karate kick would fire into our faces 3-8 oz. of uncut cocaine. Me and the lucky lady would then provide backing vox on the “Senorita” parts while stripping each other of our remaining clothes; by our return to the stage for “Dance The Night Away,” the little woman would be with child and I will have landed a career-making movie part as a streetwise Detroit cop in Beverly Hills to avenge his friend’s murder.
Esoteric. Nothing but the doomiest of doom will do(om) for my special day. Imagine hundreds of wedding guests in their Sunday best, bathed in blue light, heads bowed as Birmingham’s slowest proceed to crush their souls. That’s one memorable wedding! These guys’ songs sound like funeral dirges already, so I see no problem re-imagining them as the soundtrack to another life cycle event. A processional is a processional, regardless of speed. For our first dance as husband and wife, we would choose “Ignotum Per Ignotius,” the final track from Esoteric’s last album The Maniacal Vale (the title of which is basically a mis-spelled reference to bridal attire). We’d slow-dance to its dulcet tones and romantic lyric: “I have come to know all / Yet I know not time / At your death / My torment is complete / Horrific realization / Time demise of finality / Absolutions collapse.” Isn’t that just another way of saying “‘Til death do us part?”
If I could get married at any metal show, I would choose Suffocation. Because as we all know from this link, Suffocation are a perfect deflowering and/or baby-making band. Regardless, we could just get busy right there while the band played.
Okay, kiddies, now it’s your turn! Weigh in with your answer to the question of the week below.