SIXTEEN MEMBERS OF THE BIG FOUR ALL PRETENDED THEY LIKED ONE ANOTHER LONG ENOUGH TO TAKE THIS PHOTO
Tonight is the first of the European Big Four shows, and sixteen of the seventeen musicians that now comprise those bands all gathered in one room and put their differences aside long enough to snap this picture (click on it to make it enlarge… heh heh, he said “enlarge”):
Should we over-analyze the reasons why certain people are standing near one another, or far apart, or how they’re standing? Well, this is MetalSucks, ain’t it?
Anthrax’s Rob Caggiano and Megadeth members Chris Broderick and Shawn Drover are all really Big Four noobs, which is to say, none of them were in their respective bands during said bands’ heyday – so they’ve all been relegated off to the side. (Rob Trujillo is obviously a pretender to the Big Four throne, too, but since Metallica make more money than that Catholic Church, he’s allowed to stand wherever the fuck he wants.)
Ironically, though, they got better placement than Mustaine, who looks like he’s actively trying to push Charlie Benante out of the way, and Joey Belladonna, who… well, that’s just sad, Joey Belladonna. You are a sad, sad man. At least you kinda stand out, ’cause Scott Ian and Dave Lombardo, who frame you, are both pasty, while you apparently went to a tanning salon and asked for the full carrot. Seriously, you look like my decaying family members down in Florida.
Speaking of funny looking members of Anthrax — congrats to Frankie Bello, who now looks exactly like Not Man:
So that’s great. Maybe Mustaine can talk Ellefson into burning all the skin and muscle off his head in order to look more Vic-ish.
All the Metallicats are standing together, probably because when you’re that rich and successful, relating to anyone who isn’t is hard. I heard that Mustaine tried to stand with them, but they asked him to move over, ’cause he was never actually on a Metallica album and those just, like, the rules.
Speaking of the Metallicats: is Lars Ulrich standing on a phone book? How did he suddenly become tall enough to be behind Hammett and King and still be seen?
Also, I know you can’t see it in the pic, but right before they snapped the photo Ulrich stuck his finger up Hetfield’s ass, which is why Hetfield is making that face.
Of course, the most telling aspect of the photo is that Jeff Hanneman is completely absent. Now, I’m not implying that Hanneman either hates these people or just doesn’t really give a fuck; I’m stating outright that Hanneman either hates these people or just doesn’t really give a fuck.Which is why I fucking love Jeff Hanneman.
Alright, I’ve now spent way too much of my morning looking at these ugly dudes. Make up your own stupid shit to say in the comments section below.
Friendly reminder that the Big Four gig next Tuesday, June 22, will be shown in an edited-down, not live version in movie theaters across the world; there will be an encore showing on Thursday, June 24. Find participating theaters and buy tickets here.