Read Leyla’s list of The Top Ten Worst Hair Metal Band Names here.

All right, this was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be and for a while I considered just doing a part two of bad names. But, like hair metal itself, there are always some gems floating amidst the crap, and with a little borrowing from other overlapping genres, ten candidates were found for the best of hair band names. So you’re safe for now, Trixter, Tora, Tora, Kix, and Stryper…

10) Faster Pussycat

They were almost on the bad names list, but some accolades need to be given for hitting all the rules of naming a hair band. A dual animal and female genitalia reference, as well as a suggestive adverb? Awesome! True, they cheated by ripping the moniker from a movie, but picturing Tura Satana every time they’re mentioned can hardly be a bad thing. Unless you’re easily scared of tall, angry women.

9) Mötley Crüe

It fits them, has enough word retardation to qualify in the hair band name Olympics, and doesn’t assault the senses too horribly when you say it out loud. All in all, a pretty respectable name, considering Tommy Lee is in the band.

8) Slaughter

Way to make yourselves sound so much more awesome than you really are, guys. Cue hordes of angry Canadian fans looking for the other Slaughter and getting “Gave me your heart I won’t break it/I believe that we can make it.”

7) Shotgun Messiah

It just sounds cool. Plus, I like when the word “messiah” is randomly thrown about. “Leper messiah,” sounds good to me too. Not literally, though.

6) Quiet Riot

It’s short, it rhymes, and it stays in your head. The name might not save them completely, but it sure helps when your first impression is that of a glorified Slade cover band.

5) Vixen

What else are you going to call an all-girl hair band? Faster Pussycat was already taken.

4)  Twisted Sister

Some would argue against the hair band classification, but they’re still a pretty defining band from the era and worth a spot on the list.

3) Hanoi Rocks

A severely underrated band, they not only inspired most of the other bands of the time, they were my gateway to hair metal. Alas, not all of it was as good as their bluesy sax numbers et al., but they were a name that definitely caught my attention and probably set the trend for integrating locations into band monikers. Plus, Hanoi Rocks always deserves to be above Mötley Crüe, whatever the list.

2) Skid Row

Skid Row’s sound was always a little harder, a little more streetwise than the rest of the company they kept, and their name highlights that perfectly. It probably would’ve been even more effective if their lead singer weren’t such a pissy brat.

1) Loudness

Okay, the winner might be kind of a cheat since Loudness (also affectionately known as “Roudness”) play what we should really classify as stand-alone heavy metal rather than strictly hair metal, but have you seen their old-school publicity pictures? Those manes are impressive! Hair metal is, figuratively, metaphorically, and literally, all about being loud and in your face, and these Japanese gentlemen, with their name, promise they’ll deliver just that.


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