Ask Oderus

THE RETURN OF ASK ODERUS: GWAR’S MIGHTY FRONT MAN ANSWERS YOUR QUERIES!!!

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You asked, and he answered! Here’s Gwar‘s Oderus Urungus, the greatest singer in the history of what this putrid, worthless planet calls “metal,” to answer all your ridiculous questions…

If your name wasn’t Oderus what would it be? – Rob

That’s a good question, moron. It’s pretty hard to imagine me being named LOLA or FUNKY WINKERBEAN.  Is this typical of the types of questions I am gonna get? Completely fucking retarded ones? It never ceases to amaze me that here you have an opportunity to have all the mysteries of life revealed, but you want to ask asinine questions like this one (YOURS). Get fucked! Oh yeah, I almost forgot — it would be GENGHIS HITLER VON DOG-LOLLY! Oh no, I shit myself (again).


How fat was the fattest chick you’ve ever fucked? Does fucking fat chicks have its advantages? I mean if you fold their skin in all the right places, its as if they have like 900 vaginas on one body. Am I right? -chainchomp

This one’s a little better, but not by much. I really don’t know how many fat chicks I have fucked, there have been quite a few of them. And in my mind all of these fat bitches, well, they kinda all form one giant fat chick after a while. And she’s a real whore! As far as advantages, well, first off, she’s fat! Which means more skin, which means more material to make lampshades out of. And lastly, when it comes to the 900 vaginas, well son, I have to remind you that in some cases quality is far more important than quantity. Unfortunatley, this isn’t one of them. Also — you suck!

Which planet in the Solar System is most brutal, and how long would it take you to destroy it with metal goodness? -metallicbrian

Hmmm… This question makes little to no sense, yet I shall answer it anyway, completely ignoring it, and saying whatever the hell I feel like. Brian, always be sure to finger yourself in public, especially when your mom is around, and if she asks more than three times, rape her, rape her in the mouth. This way, when she cries out for help, her cries will be muffled by the dick in her mouth (yours). The down side of this is that you won’t be able to hear her tell you how much she enjoyed getting raped by her son (in the mouth). But all is not lost — have her write you a note!

How do I know if I’m pregnant? -BigBintheAV

First of all, are you a woman? If so, have you been fucked recently, like, within a year or two? Thirdly, do you save the cum wads you suck out of your father’s penis, hock them up into the palm of your sweaty hand, and then ram it all up in your vagine, desperatley hoping to have your father’s baby, so you can fuck it, and then go make it work in the mines? Yes, no, or… maybe? All three answers point to the same question, which is — oh shit, the light in the crapper just went out!

What kind of holes accommodate that impressive cock of yours, and do you have any faves that you can share with us? -J-Rod

From a manhole cover to a meteor strike, from a pig pussy to a can of stewed tomatoes, I truly have “fucked it all.” One of the things a lot of people don’t realize about my cock is that it is never hard, yet it always has a ropey, knotted quality… let’s just say I have yet to meet a hole which did not accommadate me. Truly, I am far worse than Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet, in that I will do far more damage than “fucking anything that moves,” I will fuck anything that doesn’t move, in fact I will just fuck anything, and in fact I will just fuck. That’s not to say that I don’t drink urine — I do! But there are some dreams that a girl has to keep to herself.

Some of you (THE fat ones, anyway) have heard of my dream to have sex with a living blue whale, right in the blow-hole. I think the blue whale blow-hole is such a hot piece of snatch that I would willingly gargle donkey balls (or, for money…) to fuck such an animal… to rape a whale… many dead whales I have molested, but never have I had the supreme thrill of finding one of this earth’s most mysterious and intelligent creatures alive, living in the wild, in it’s natural habitat, and then trying to stick my dick in him. Makes my cock puke!

Do you know how to cure Nergal’s leukemia? –Daniel Winnett

Well “THE NERG,” as I like to call him, has many options. First there is aggressive radiation treatment. This does nothing to help the patient, but costs millions. Secondly, I advise him to drink heavily. This won’t cure him, but he will be drunk. Third, he could just ask me to cure him, but I kind of understand why he’s not into that, sometimes an Oderus cure is a lot worse than the disease. Like I would cure him of leukemia, but it would give him herpes. Oh, really? Nergal already has herpes? Well then what are you waiting for, a cure for leukemia? At any rate, leukemia sucks and I hope he feels better soon, if he needs any help finding a bone-marrow donor I can help, and there will be no fee!

Do you think that GWAR might jump on the bandwagon and maybe re-record the first record or maybe play Scumdogs in it’s entirety live? When you guys get too old to play one day, retire and start drawing your pensions from the Metal Workers Union, will you just put some new kids in the suits and just let the band continue on without you? If so, would anyone notice? -savethecirclepit

Wow, THIS IS a big-ass question, with several different parts… let me see if i am up for this kind of probing enquiry — First off, we are not about to jump on any bandwagon, beefcake alone weighs several thousand tons, and any aforementioned “bandwagon” would be completely crushed… but then again, crushing things is part of my skill set, right after “beheading,” but before “degradation.”

Secondly, we will never grow too old, I am already pushing 48 million! And fuck a pension, we can’t even sort out an insurance plan. What kind of insurance covers you from dinosaur attack, anyway? Lastly, it is altogether possible that I will one day be usurped by one of my mutant offspring, but if he comes, he better come hard… I would rather slay and eat my own young before I gave up my metallic throne of shit-smeared opulence, and the only way I ever would relenquish my grasp of the jeweled crown would be by having it pried loose from my dead and lifeless fingers! And if they noticed, I don’t know! I didn’t notice!

Can you explain why in the early days of GWAR a whack with a broom was needed to get the blood squirting thing to work at a show at the Cubby Bear in Chicago? -JG

That is completely typical of the high-tech behind-the-scenes wizardry that makes every GWAR show such a sickening event. You DIDN’T even see the gerbil-engine or the potato-battery. Or the army of invisible fecal-midgets, the ones that juggle gay men’s severed love-pumpkins. It’s all a part of their quest to make men’s nipple-garments completely static-free.

How pleasant is a Womb With A View, after all? Do you install an air conditioner for the summer months? -Bob Cock
A womb with a view is not meant to be a comfortable place, in fact it is not even supposed to have a view. If it does have a view, it is of something horrible, like the image of your mother sucking off the family dog, and then eating shit out of it’s ass. Oh wait, it was supposed to be horrible… if you want horrible, just watch a Rob Zombie movie.

So, I guess no, we won’t be installing an air conditioner. But JUST in case we do, it will be just for the sheer pleasure of ramming a large window unit AC up somebody’s twat.

Why would you choose such a shitty medium to answer some of Earth’s most perplexing questions? Couldn’t you just take over CNN or some shit? -Lance Zeran

I didn’t choose shit, they asked which one I wanted to do (they gave me several options), and I said this one… wait, that is a bit like choosing, Isn’t it? Well, I’m still a bit rusty with all these like words meaning different things and shit.

But to get to your stupid question, you strike on a question that puzzles me… If I am so fucking great how come I spend my time slumming around in a metal band that can’t even find Japan, much less play it?!? If I am so all-powerful why don’t we have GWAR theme parks in Vegas? Well, the answer to that one is simple — I am on the pipe!

Much has been made of my alleged crack habit. I ASSURE you there is nothing alleged about it, I am the #2 (after the C.I.A.) consumer of crack cocaine on the planet.  And, much like Lawrence Taylor, crack-crazed football great, I am happy about it!

Fucking magnets; how do they work? -andy benze

That’s a good one andy, you miserable fuck. Please stop having sex with your mom and listen up, ‘cuz I AM only gonna say this once — a magnet is any object or material that exibits magnetism — a force that attracts ferrous metal and repels other magnets. Some objects are naturally  magnetic, while others can be charged, as in electro-magnatism. This is where a coil of ferrous metal becomes a magnet as a current is passed through it. When the current is suspended, the object ceases to become a magnet.

Just as I have ceased caring about this question.

Gwar’s new album, Gwar’s Bloody Pit of Horror, is scheduled to be released later this year on Metal Blade. In the meantime, feel free to pose more questions to Lord Urungus in the comments section below!

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