Green Eggs and Slam

A TALE OF WOE: HOW GORGUTS’ OBSCURA BECAME OVERRATED

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Once upon a time in the magical land of Roadrunner, there was a sweet death metal band called Gorguts. While the gods did not smile upon them enough to make them very popular, their first two albums were masterpieces of 90s death metal– especially their second LP, Erosion of Sanity. Nobody would accuse them of being the most original band, but all of the good people throughout the land of Roadrunner agreed that these albums were full of sick pitt riffment, and we asked the Lord to bless them for providing us with these two archives of brutality.

Then one day something funny happened, and it scared the shit out of me. The band went in a different direction, and their sweetness ceased to be. In 1998, they released an album called Obscura that sounded nothing like their first two, and the citizens of Roadrunner were confused. While this album was decent, it seemed that the fellowship of Gorguts had fallen prey to the siren song of prog, seduced by the superficial appeal of wanky hardcore bands like Dillinger Escape Plan and Human Remains. Gone were the soothing, familiar sounds of their first two albums, replaced by dull, forgettable songs that went “SKRONK SCREECH chug chug WEEDLY SKRONK.”

All the beardos, Locust dickriders, and Mike Patton fanbois across the land of Roadrunner rejoiced, for they believed that fretboard jerkoff sessions were “effing sweet.” They worshipped at the altar of double bass, unusual time signatures, confusing arrangements, and other musical elements that adolescent boys think are cool, and the fellowship of Gorguts rewarded them with more of what they wanted in the form of a compendium of songs entitled From Wisdom To Hate. The elders of the land of Roadrunner shook their heads in disappointment, sad to see the youth once again blinded by the novelty of skronky riffs and nonsensical song structures. The elders missed the first two Gorguts albums, and because they had already heard Dillinger Escape Plan’s Calculating Infinity, and were not impressed by the later output from the fellowship of Gorguts. They fasted, prayed, and sacrificed posers in hope of seeing a return to form, but help little hope that they would ever see the land of Roadrunner return to its glory days of the early 90s.

What do you think of the fellowship of Gorguts?? Were you saddened by the twists of fate that befell the land of Roadrunner? Were the powerful sorcerers of Dillenger Escape Plan controlling Gorguts from afar like so many puppets??? What can the elders of Roadrunner do to show youngsters that there is nothing cool about wanky tech-death?!!!

-Sergeant D.

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