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SHOSBOURNE SUCKS: SUIT SETTLED, SABBATH SILENCED

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Back in December 2008, Ozzy Osbourne’s manager-wife Sharon hosted the reunion special of VH1’s Rock of Love Charm School and was being her usual unjustifiably smug self. But then RoL girl/giga-fox Megan Hauserman (above left) took the stage and had the nerve to return-volley each of Sharon’s old lady sour-grapes insults — culminating in a fist-pumpingly astute observation that Sharon’s only claim to fame is shepherding a sad drug casualty to creatively dubious solo success — at which point Sharon “doused Hauserman with her drink,” “punch[ed] and grabb[ed] her by the hair and refus[ed] to let go,” and “scratch[ed] her.” Three months later, Hauserman formally filed suit against Sharon for battery, negligence, and infliction of emotional distress.

The case was finally headed for court today — nearly two years after the filing — but then the parties reached a settlement Monday. It seems that part of the deal is non-disclosure of its terms, but two separate big-shot legal professionals I know each kinda conjectured to me that Sharon’s strategy likely was to wait for Hauserman to initiate settlement for a smaller amount in advance of the court date. But Hauserman doesn’t need quick cash ‘cuz she’s marrying a rich Italian hunk (as all babes should do), nor does it seem that Shosbourne holds any career leverage over her (or over anybody except for her kids, her manicurists, and Ozzy’s fleet of increasingly off-brand sidemen). So no dice. The concept of punitive damages is to ensure that even the very rich are held responsible for their wrongdoings; as such, it’s possible that Hauserman was awarded a sum large enough to be able to move me into a house opposite Osbourne’s from which I could moon, curse, and otherwise taunt Sharon on a daily basis. ‘Cuz fuck her.

In related news, bassist Geezer Butler recently got everybody all bonery with statements (here and here) that insinuated near-future Black Sabbath activity with original singer Ozzy Osbourne. Man, I am into it! ‘Cuz look, the time is right: Ronnie James Dio is gone, so Heaven and Hell is over; Ozzy’s latest solo album and totally yawn band represent a nadir even in this two-decade run of shittiness; and of course, no one wants the Sabbath saga to end so suddenly (with Dio’s death) and without a final and potentially awesome album with Ozzy. Not to mention that the loss of RJD is enough to remind us all that time is short for these dinosaurs. Well, goodbye boner, ‘cuz on Saturday Butler stated unequivocally that, well, we’re all fucked:

I would like to make it clear, because of mounting speculation and rumors, that there will be definitely NO reunion of all four original members of Black Sabbath, whether to record an album or to tour.

My goal is responsible journalism, and it would in no way be fair to fault Shosbourne for this, or to cite her bottomless greed in keeping Ozzy on solo tours where his share is larger than a four-way split with Sabbath. But ahem this is completely Sharon’s fault and fuck her (again) for putting that sorry Ozzy show before the band responsible for metal’s first five classic records. Black Sabbath is much bigger than its members; their duty is to respect their collective genius and share it. Yet, only three of them seem to get that Sabbath is magic and Ozzy is tragic. Sigh.

-ADF

Ozzy Osbourne’s six-week Scream Tour resumes tomorrow in Nashville. Dates here.

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