Green Eggs and Slam



I wasn’t alive back in the 1980s to see it firsthand, but from what I understand it was considered cool back then to play guitar solos. And I can see why: if you are home sick from school and you watch VH1 Classic, whenever the guy in the video plays a solo, the crowd goes crazy. All the dudes are like “OMG he is so talented!!!” and all the chicks are like “GET IN MY PUSSY!!” It must have been awesome to be a guitarist back then!!

But that was a long time ago, and things have changed a lot. These days, only fat guys with ponytails and glasses care about guitar solos. Nobody thinks it’s cool to be like “CHECK ME OUT, I’M SHREDDING THE FRETBOARD *WEEDLY WEEDLY WEEDLY*” There’s only one thing that makes dudes lose their shit and chicks get wet in 2011: BREAKDOWNS!

Unlike a lot of you, I’ve been listening to metal since late 2004/early 2005, so I think I know what I am talking about. With that said, I’m not a musician, but I know a lot of you are, so I am asking you, the readers: ARE BREAKDOWNS THE NEW GUITAR SOLO???

If crowds still went wild for solos like they did in the era of classic rock bands like The Guns N Roses, I could understand why people would want to play them! Check out the solo at 3:15 to see what it was like back then (bonus trivia: this is the guitarist from Velvet Revolver’s old band!)


I wish I was alive for the shred guitar era of the late 80s. Vinnie Vincent is my favorite shredder– in this solo at 2:25 he’s all, “Get on my level, motherfucker!!”

People even got excited for BASS solos back then!! This one, from a Van Halen concert in 1972, is really weird- kinda sounds like hipster noise/art rock, and he’s running around acting like a Zach Galifinakis or Jack Black skit, and yet the crowd STILL goes nuts!


On the other hand, here is a typical solo in 2011. At 2:20, he halfheartedly plays some blues scale for no reason. It’s the most boring part of the track, nobody really notices it, and then they just keep going with the song. Why even bother??


This is some band called Behold the Octopus that is only popular with people who are really good at playing their guitars. My friend is the manager of the Pro Audio department at Guitar Center and he says these guys are “absurdly talented musicians,” but IDK, I think they are trolling. There is no way anybody actually listens to this??


If you want to make guys mosh and girls send you nudes, do not play solos. The only people who will like it are dudes who look like they are in Behold The Octopus. It’s all about breakdowns- why do you think kids go nuts for PARKWAY DRIVE like this??


The only thing that gets the crowd going more than breakdowns are breakdowns with a slogan to go along with them! Just come up with a catchy phrase that they can sing along to while you play a breakdown, then you can put it on the back of your shirts, they can make animated GIFs of it, and everybody is happy. My personal favorite is “DISRESPECT YOUR SURROUNDINGS,” from “Mr Highway’s Thinking About The End” by A Day To Remember- I’m not really sure what it means but it sounds fucking cool when you say it! I also like “PULL THE TRIGGER BITCH” and “WHERE IS UR GOD” or that one Emmure song that’s like “I’M PROBABLY THE ASKDKFHDSFOUERKHERKHJG!!


Were you alive with guitar solos were considered cool????? Why do some people still play them??? Why would you play music that only other men will like?? What is your favorite breakdown/slogan combo? What is the most popular breakdown in your experience?

-Sergeant D.

Sergeant D. disrespects his surroundings every day at Stuff You Will Hate.

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