Hipsters Out Of Metal!


  • Anso DF

It’s easy to scoff at heavy metal’s love of fantasy, like Dio’s swordsman tales, Iron Maiden’s poetry readings, and Korn’s battles against merciless ogre stepmoms. But to each their own reality, right? That is, none of us would want those bands to get “real” like Suicidal Tendencies or Body Count; it’d end up like the lyrics of Queensryche’s “Empire”: Uncomfortable!

And for us listeners, all lyrics are handy in our quest for sex and stuff. Like the other night at a viewing of 3-D gay erotica movie Immortals, I kinda wowed this hot nursing student via my one tiny familiarity with lead character Theseus — i.e., that it was he who slayed the mythic Minotaur. She didn’t need to know that I’d learned that from the song by prog-metal greats Realm called ahem “Theseus And The Minotaur” (above).

Can you really convert nerdy beta metal knowledge into ballz-to-boobz contact? Shit yeah, dude! Look, she’d only barely agreed to party with me in the first place, but with my comment I’d nudged her perception of me from “heavy metal airhead boner machine” over to “semi-brainy hunk with awareness of antiquities.” It got her feeling clever, too, like she’d discovered an overlooked treasure (like Theseus’ recovery of the Epirus bow BAM!), while squashing her private guilt about getting gamed/felt on by a guy who writes about Dave Mustaine and BulletBoys on the internet. And from there, it’s bonerz!


Hipsters Out Of Metal! is the adventures of a smily ’80s metalhead all high in the serious internet world. 

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