• Anso DF


The most brilliant aspect of the movie Revenge Of The Nerds is the name of the enemy frat house: Alpha Beta. What better term to describe those nerd-persecuting sports tryhards lol! Sure, Stan Gable’s football posse seems studly — what with all the weight-lifting, stunning looks, and privilege — but only a team of mega-betas would feel impelled to terrorize the totally groovy nerds (the movie’s true alphas). And such they are.

If Gable really wished to stay atop the Adams College hierarchy, he would’ve correctly identified the Nerds as winners — an easy conclusion once they found and restored that house — and then marched right over, extended a warm welcome, and initiated a gab session to identify how the Nerds’ many powers could enhance his stranglehold on local pussy and beer. In Gable’s shoes, I’d be like, “Come over and bang cheerleaders at our house tomorrow, dudes! Then build me a robot that writes Astronomy term papers! Ha ha! No but srs.”

But instead, the Alpha Beta team locks horns with the Nerds and gets dismantled: Gable’s gf with the luscious titties dumps him for the top nerd, her rapist; Gable and cronies are swept out of their legislative positions; and finally, his buds must trudge back to live in the school gym presumably after a boner-breaking beatdown from like a dozen mean ex-linebacker types (delicious irony alert). Oh and then a lifetime of resentful servitude to a world of Nerd overlords and of lamenting the phonetic misfortune of the name Gable (“gay bull”)!! What a waste!!!

It’s in this spirit that I offer my hand to Kunvuk, a quartet of metal nerds from Australia (above). Let’s join powers, you guys! You all can help me decipher the Outback Steakhouse menu and stalk reconnect with this juicy girl I know who moved to Sydney; I can offer a helpful breakdown of your vibe:

  • Number of times band name appears in band photo (above): 2
  • Number of times band name appears legibly in band photo: 0
  • Instances of nerd-baiting in band photo: 2 (via female, Devin Townsend lookalike)
  • Devin Townsend bro: “I flex! U mirin?”
  • Female: “Sigh. My baby is due in July.”
  • Dude in the back: Self-snapping the pic via stick-mounted camera? Clutching rag soaked in chloroform for curlyboobs there?
  • Dude in the front: Eyebrowz 4 life dude!
  • They self-released debut album Immute:Jackals [sic] as a two-disc, DVD-sized, eight-panel digipack with 24-page booklet on their own label. Jesus these nerds are rich as ballz!
  • Their new nine-minute (!) video was, ahem, “shot at eight locations, across thousands of kilometres, culled from more than 200 clips, and compiled over ten months” by the band’s bass player. Jesus these rich nerds are on meth!
  • The video jam is titled “Where Orchidectomy And Mastitis Street Meet Is Why I Will Die.” Your move, Sikth.
  • The jam is either a prog-nu-spaz clusterfuck or is too awesomely next-level to comprehend srs. Your move, Thought Industry.
  • Kunvuk is a unique name, but life is short so why not go for the palindrome? Here, how about Kuvnvuk? Kunvnuk? Kvuunuuvk!
  • Speaking of names, Kunvuk has set May for release of their follow-up to Immute:Jackals [sic]. Working title Fudge:Packers.


Kunvuk’s Immute:Jackals [sic] is available for free download here. Get Kunvuk swag here.

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