A Game of Thrones




Game of Thrones: Try to tell free people what to do, and you can expect metal up your ass.

Plenty of websites review Game of Thrones every week. But MetalSucks’ Heavy Metal Review is the only recap that counts the decapitations and Kreator references.

Last week’s episode, “The Old Gods and the New,” saw King Joffrey tip his crown to Metallica by hissing, “Kill them all!” This week, other key characters delivered dialogue that read like metal lyrics:

Theon Greyjoy: “With hunting, there’s blood at the end.”

Ygritte: “If you tried to tell the free folk a boy and girl couldn’t be naked and lie with each other, you’d get a spear up your ass.”

Daenerys Stormborn Targaryen: “I’ve led my people out of the Red Waste and into a slaughterhouse.”

Sandor “The Hound” Clegane: “It gives me joy to kill people… Killing is the sweetest thing there is.”

Queen Cersei: “Rain fire on them from above.”

Jaime Lannister: “He was a painter who only used red.”

If finding poetry in violence isn’t metal, nothing is. And beyond all that badass imagery, there was more substantial talk, intriguing thoughts about trust, cruelty, weakness, love, loyalty, and honor. How do you make your way through a hostile world like this? The characters have different ideas.

Theon tells us, you can’t be weak. But, so says Jorah Mormont, you can’t make it alone, either. And, as a caged Jaime Lannister explains toward the episode’s end, the alliances that make us human soon form an unbalanced web of obligations that is impossible to sustain. You do what you have to do to make it through the moment — and later on, there will be a price to pay. And this week, we see the some terrible prices called due.

Infuriated by Bran Stark and Helena Bonham Carter’s escape, Theon Greyjoy finally flexes some muscle on a subordinate. And by episode’s end, he’s proven he’ll beat, whip or kill anyone in his way before he lets people think him weak. Power doesn’t actually work that way, but he has chosen a road, and he is galloping down it. And when hoists his blackened prizes, he has surely gone past the point of redemption. Not even the iron price will buy back his peace of mind — or ours.

Back in King’s Landing, between enlightening chats with a killer and the queen, Sansa draws first blood of a sort. As if specially timed for Mother’s Day, Cersei continues explaining how women get the shit end of the stick, and how being a mom is rough, especially when your husband and kid are pricks. Here she is, the only daughter of the wealthiest family in the kingdom, the fricken queen, and she still gets crap left and right. In this world, if you make it through the day alive, that’s a good day. It’s more than most get. And feeling good? Forget about it. There is no such thing. Not here.

But maybe there is elsewhere. On the other end of the world, Jon Snow is still trudging around the great white north aimlessly, his dick fully erect, his balls mercilessly being busted by the wildling Ygritte. Their little jaunt continues one of the story’s key flaws: In far too many scenes, people talk and talk and talk, and nothing actually happens… until something does. And Jon Snow isn’t the only Stark boy who hears the siren call of nookie.

Down south at the war, Robb Stark is cozying up to a new lady friend. But we don’t see much of that this week. In this part of Westeros, the main action has to do with the MVP, most valuable prisoner Jaime Lannister. Jaime breaks some skulls, breaks his rusty cage and runs — until he’s dragged back, leaving a trail of blood and shit behind him. Actor Nikolaj Coster-Waldau — no, that’s not Denis Leary, though he’s a dead ringer — opens up a new dimension to his character and makes him appear sympathetic for a minute… before he starts busting heads and collapsing larynxes. We may know Lannister better than ever, and he may be fully confident that he knows himself, but does he truly know the depths of his soul? And will he live long enough to explore them?

On the other side of the known world, just when it looks like nothing is going to happen in the episode, Daenerys Stormborn Targaryen Khaleesi Drogo Mother of Dragons — after some fretting — has a sit-down with the 13 rulers of Qarth to discuss her missing dragons. It looks like this deviation from the book might justify itself by giving her a strong reason to visit The House of The Undying, which is about as fun as it sounds.

But come on, seriously: Does anybody think her kidnapped dragons are in real danger? Shows need to amp up the drama, but some twists can’t summon a mere phantom of a threat, you know? Or do you think we’ll find the warlocks dining on roast dragon next week? Tell us in the comments section.


Fine Leather Coats from the Rob Halford Collection: 2 (As seen on Tywin and Jaime Lannister)

Body Count: 16

  • 1 hanging
  • 1 fatal face smash
  • 1 choking
  • 11 cut throats
  • 2 hanging bodies burnt beyond recognition

Rating: A little slow, but Very Metal.

SPOILER POLICY: Game of Thrones – the show and the books – is a helluva tale with some mindfuck twists that will rock your world, so please don’t ruin them for any new fans or casual readers. If you really need to reference one of the major developments that lurk in future episodes or later on in the books, please try be as vague as possible, and clearly label them SPOILERS. And if you’re new to the epic, be warned: If you read about the books or show long enough, you will learn something you wish you hadn’t, so just buy the ticket and take the ride.


D.X. Ferris wrote the 33 1/3 series book about Slayer’s Reign in Blood, writes & draws the webcomic Suburban Metal Dad, and runs Pentagrammarian,  the world’s only heavy metal grammar & usage website (that we’re aware of). You can follow his bullshit on Twitter herehere, and here.  


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