Editorials

A MODEST PROPOSAL

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Burton Seabell 

It is a real sad fucking site to headbangers who go to shows and see washed-up singers singing even though they can not sing the way they used to be able to sing. Like that footage Vince posted yesterday of  Fear Factory performing at Clownfest 2012 or whatever it is called. I used to like Fear Factory but now I do not because oh my god Burton Seabell’s voice sounds like when my grammy’s dog Petunia queefs. And then today I saw this video of Cinderella playing recently on Bringbak Clam:

Tom Keefher sounds better than Burton Seabell but he does not sound good the way he did the last time I saw the band live in 1990:

And I know it is not Burton Seabell’s fault or Tom Keefher’s fault or any other singer’s fault that they sound like Petunia’s queefs now. They are getting old and when you get old your body is not as good as it was when you were young and you can not do the things you could do when you were young like run and jump and fight and remember what is happening in the movie you are watching and sing the song that made you famous.

And I know it is not Burton Seabell’s fault or Tom Keefher’s fault or any other singer’s fault that they still go and sing the songs that made them famous because they probably did not go to school and do not know how to do anything but sing the songs that made them famous and if they stop that they will not be able to make money and you need money to live or you will have to go live in the church basement like my uncle Steevee.

That is why I think we should start to do the nice thing and kill singers when they can not sing the songs that made them famous anymore the same way we kill race horses when they can not run in races anymore. My uncle Steevee used to be the guy who shot the horses before he got fired and had to go live in the church basement so I have seen it done and it is very quick and the horse doesn’t even see the bullet coming or feel it just BLAM and the horse is dead and the horse does not have to suffer anymore.

And if we kill the singers who are old now and do not have their voices in good shape anymore we would not only be putting them out of their misery but we could use them to make glue. Vince says the earth is dying and we are going to run out of the stuff we need to live so this would be like the way Mrs. Johnson at the school makes me put my plastic bottle in the blue bin so it can be cleaned and used again by someone else and we will not run out of the stuff we need to live. We need glue and it would be bad if we ran out of glue. It would be good to use Burton Seabell or Tom Keefher or any other singer who can not sing anymore as glue.

I told Axl this plan and he said he thinks it is “An all-around win” and gave me a gold star. But then I ate the gold star. But I still think we should shoot the singers and turn them into the glue we need. Thank you very much for listening.

-JR

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