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NEW METALLICA KILL ‘EM ALL SNEAKERS ALLOW YOU TO KEEP IT A COMPLETE SECRET THAT YOU LIKE METALLICA’S KILL ‘EM ALL

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NEW METALLICA KILL ‘EM ALL SNEAKERS ALLOW YOU TO KEEP IT A COMPLETE SECRET THAT YOU LIKE METALLICA’S KILL ‘EM ALL

I thought Metallica and Vans were all done celebrating next year’s thirtieth anniversary of Kill ‘Em All when they released these really ugly sneakers — but why make one buck when you can make two? And so now come these new kicks, which, fortunately, are not at all garish like the other sneakers, and, unfortunately, have almost nothing to do with Metallica or Kill ‘Em All.

As you can see in the above photo, from a distance, these looks like just plain black sneakers. And once you get closer up, that’s when… well, nothing really. ‘Cause the Kill ‘Em All title logo is in the inside of the shoe, where no one can see it:

NEW METALLICA KILL ‘EM ALL SNEAKERS ALLOW YOU TO KEEP IT A COMPLETE SECRET THAT YOU LIKE METALLICA’S KILL ‘EM ALL

Okay so the band’s logo must appear somewhere on the shoe at least, right? Yes, it does! On the bottom half of the tongue, right around where the shoe laces will obscure it!

NEW METALLICA KILL ‘EM ALL SNEAKERS ALLOW YOU TO KEEP IT A COMPLETE SECRET THAT YOU LIKE METALLICA’S KILL ‘EM ALL

Thank Christ the word “Vans” is in the Metallica font in a slightly lighter color than the rest of the shoe, though. Also, why the crap does it say “20 Years” and not “30 Years”? Is it the twentieth anniversary of Vans Cab shoes? (And what the fuck are Cab shoes? Do they arrive already smelling like feet?) And does the target audience for this sneaker (chump Metallica fans who have some extra dough burning a hole in their pocket) give a fuck about the anniversary of a style of Vans? The mind boggles.

Well, at least the sneakers allow you to kinda-sorta tell people you like Metallica’s Kill ‘Em All by completely misappropriating a lyric from “Motorbreath” to make rebellion-via-purchase-of-sneakers seem cool:

NEW METALLICA KILL ‘EM ALL SNEAKERS ALLOW YOU TO KEEP IT A COMPLETE SECRET THAT YOU LIKE METALLICA’S KILL ‘EM ALL

So you should totally take chances, as long as one of those chances is not the chance that you’ll let anyone know you like Metallica. Which I could understand if these were St. Anger sneakers, but really makes no sense to me in the case of shoes celebrating the release of one of the band’s good albums.

In conclusion: if you buy these and a pair of Slayer socks, you can be a closet metalhead all the livelong day. Might as well write “MUSTAINE RULES” on the inside of your underwear while you’re at it. Right where the skid marks will go.

NEW METALLICA KILL ‘EM ALL SNEAKERS ALLOW YOU TO KEEP IT A COMPLETE SECRET THAT YOU LIKE METALLICA’S KILL ‘EM ALL

-AR

[via Blacklist… thanks to Luke for the link]

 

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