Question Of The Week: Your Label Needs A Name, “Tradecraft” Is Taken
Happy Friday MetalSuckalos! Hope your wangz are sore after an acrobatic and sexy Valentine’s Day! Before u re-apply those lotions, salves, and um “patient-applied modalities,” let’s talk about some fun stuff in today’s MS Question Of The Week! It’s about those record labels created by successful artists that represent artistic freedom but usually don’t amount to much.
Fearless. Controversial. Half-baked. We give it to you straight every Friday afternoon. Straight to the limbo occupied by Badfinger and Deadsy! Here’s this week’s question:
Inspired by a decrepit windbag’s creation of his own imprint, we asked our staff the following question:
After years on a major, u and your hearty-selling metal band are creating a record label. What cute, br00tal, and/or clever name will u give it?
Read the MS Staff’s vain answers then serve your own bloated ego below!
HIT THEM TIMES NINE, a name derived from my mishearing “Hypnotize Minds” in Three 6 Mafia songs. Remember when Slayer was on Def Jam? Well, Hit Them Times Nine aims to bring together the best of metal and hip-hop. On deck: PLF/Slim Thug split 7″ (limited to 500 purple vinyl), RiFF RaFF/The Body collab LP, and a diehard reissue of the Judgment Night soundtrack. Rap Game Chris Bruni.
I’d sign a lot prestigious bands who are serious about their craft. Snatch up Enslaved, Neurosis, Opeth, Portal, Ihsahn, Alcest, and Kylesa with really, really lucrative deals. Put each on a massive, well-funded tour that’s essentially a write-off for the label, but a boon for them. Grant them freedom to release as much or as little as they want with lush, detailed packaging. Great vinyl pressing connections and talented A&R folks to sign the best in new metal so they’d be in good company. Basically, be the elite of elite heavy music labels. The name? Fucknutz EntertainTment, Ltd(ick). And that name would be emblazoned large on all their buses and vans.
An artist’s philosophy is represented in the name of their own silly little record label. But in my case, such a name may not inspire confidence in the acts on our roster, staff, customers, and partners. Like, would any sane professional forge a partnership with Peach Pizza Records? Or how about Bong Hugz Media? Definitely not Barf Party Entertainment. But I learned in journalimism school how to add weight to a fluffy editorial idea: an academic-sounding suffix. So welcome, superstars of tomorrow, to the roster of Beachism Music. See u on the charts!
I hear “Hydra Head” is no longer taken.
Too soon? lol So hey MetalSucks Valentines, what’s your personal record label called? Who are u signing? What lost classics will u reissue? Wanna release Anso’s guitar solo album? It’s all guitar solos, no backing no shape no sense. Happy wknd!