Necessary Roughness, Week 3: Every Team Sucks
Oderus was on the Dan Patrick Show again last week (video), along with Hatebreed’s Jamey Jasta, and actually got to talk football for about 30 seconds. But that wasn’t the extent of activity for the week in the increasingly bizarre relationship between intergalactic baby-crushers GWAR and the N.F.L. A petition appeared on the Internet, courtesy change.org, with the proposal to have GWAR perform at halftime for the 2015 Super Bowl. Hilarious, right? But what was even stranger was that people actually started signing it, and you can do so here: Change.org/GWARBowl. Soon the likes of Keith Olberman, Jay Mohr and many more were blasting the story, and the petition garnered over 30,000 signatures by Friday. I guess people are getting pretty sick of the endless stream of garbage-pop that the N.F.L. has approved for our consumption the last four or five years… and this year’s announcement that Bruno Mars would grace the stage of the world’s biggest gig couldn’t have been met any less enthusiastically by the majority of N.F.L. fans. If nothing else, the petition is a big middle-finger to some of the less-than-savory aspects of the N.F.L., and for that reason alone it deserves signing. So do it today, and while you are at it get your Mom to do it too!
Ugh! What a rotten weekend of football, especially if you are a Giants fan. But many of the other big franchises in the league took lumps as well. The Steelers suck. The Racist-Skins suck. Hey Eagles fan, yeah, the Eagles suck. The 49’ers suck. A ton of other teams suck that I don’t care about at all, usually because they have stupid uniforms. The few teams that are doing well I simply don’t care about or actively hate. It’s not a good attitude for objective sports journalism.
So I don’t try to do that. I write this column so even people who don’t give a shit about football can enjoy it, and that’s why there is so much random pornography involved with it. You have to transcend the sport and just find some central theme that everybody can relate to. I guess with this column you could say that one of the recurring themes has been the increasing disenchantment of a life-long football fan (me, the dude with the way-big head) with the the N.F.L., its policies and its practices. Not the game itself, no, no… I love the game… but the flat and listless performances by many of the leagues “top” teams this weekend wasn’t that surprising. Just because you pay people tons of money doesn’t mean you ensure their loyalty or commitment on the field. If I was Michael Vick I would be simply trying to get through my career alive at this point. Who gives a damn about a “Super Bowl” when at any moment, in any game, you could be crushingly paralyzed. But hell, that could happen anywhere. You could be walking down the street and have a piano dropped on you! Or even more likely be shot at work.
Some would say the N.F.L. has been going downhill for a while. Sure it makes more money than the church but how can football fans NOT be completely OVER the constant parade of negative publicity that the N.F.L. generates? Stuff that gets so much coverage I can’t watch a pre-game show without getting angry. Just this past week week there was everything from piss test scandals to management moves that left thousands of loyal fans shaking their fists at the sky. And it sucks even more that it gets so much coverage, like I am covering it now. I would rather watch fecal midget porn than listen to a bunch of chucklebutts* going on about the shameless behavior of N.F.L.’s professional population. NOT because I am being judgmental, it’s just that the constant harping on of the league continually touting itself as a some kind of bastion of moral purity gets pretty tiring considering the amount of negative stories generated by the scumbags of the N.F.L.
Look, Mommy! The big N.F.L. clown just showed up at my 12th birthday party. The clown is big, and fun, and colorful… and violent. Everyone is having a good time, and there’s ice cream cake. But where did the clown go? He’s over there, behind the fence with little Joey, showing him his thing. The clown pulls his big flappy pants down, and the N.F.L. is exposed as a bunch of dicks. The implications of this rude scene are simply devastating for the youth of our country. Yet another cornerstone of our society, this time our beloved national sport, is revealed to be a clown with his dick out. It’s bad enough when that already happened with the Bible and the government. It’s getting to the point where we can’t believe in anything anymore. No wonder our kids hate us; look at the world we made for them.
But there are happy fans of football, usually those who play the miniature electric kind. Bengals fans are happy after a wild win over the Packers. Dallas fans are happy as the ‘Boys moved to 2-1, looking good over the St. Louis Rams, who suck yet again. Panther fans are especially happy after avoiding an 0-3 start with a 38-0 drubbing of the the New York Giants. I thought Coach Coughlin’s neck-lift was about to blow out! Doesn’t it look like he got a little work? Doesn’t Shanahan look like a GWAR fan who refuses to shower after the show? New England fans are happy, even though Brady is a complete dick. I hope he has a really small penis; that would explain why he acts like such an asshole all the time. He has everything else in the world to be happy about, right? Saints and Dolphin fans are REALLY happy as they both improve to 3-0. The Jets and Geno Smith squeaked one out over the hapless Bills in a penalty-filled ugh-fest. And Johnny Chainsaw and all my pals in Chicago would never forgive me unless I mentioned their 40-23 win, keeping them perfect at 3-0 and keeping the Steelers winless.
Well the noon deadline is looming so I have to stop… man, I don’t know how these sportswriters do it. Did I at least get the scores right this week? Let’s hear from our readers!