Necessary Roughness, Week 15: Are the Saints and Broncos Cracking?
It was a wild and crazy weekend in the league with five out of the top six teams going down in flames. With only two games left on the schedule the hunt for the playoff spots couldn’t be more intense. It was a weekend where every team in the NFC East, including two with serious playoff hopes, managed to lose… unthinkable in a division that’s traditionally one of the strongest in the league. Apologies for the lateness of the column… I had a wild weekend as well, shuttling off to NYC to appear on Fuse’s “ICP Theater” while somehow watching as much football as possible. It’s a big league, and it’s tough to keep up with all the action… oh whatever, waaaahhh…
Ravens kicker Justin Tucker gets a mixed reaction from me but it’s 99% positive. First of all, as far as kickers go, he’s King Shit of Poop Mountain after his 61-yard game-winning field goal against the hapless Detroit Lions, who need to file for something besides bankruptcy. Like maybe… fingers? Tucker blasted six FGs and continued his streak of some ridiculous number (not checking stats today), behaving like an impish scamp throughout. The 1% negative, and this is more critique than criticism, was him shamelessly repeating the same joke about “contributing to all of the fantasy franchises” in every interview offered. I got it the first time, dude! But you know who really got it? The Detroit Lions, who continued to butterfinger their way out of the playoffs behind the chubby cheeks of lead boob Matt Stafford ; his two critical INTs late in the game gave this tenacious Raven team just enough room to squeak out a victory. The Ravens are looking tough and Flacco really impressed, taking some serious hits (including a completely illegal helmet strike to the ankle, and not just any helmet, a 300 lb. killing machine behind the helmet, a hit he somehow played through), all the while showing insane arm strength and surprising quickness. These Ravens have rebounded dramatically from a slow start to the season and are my “dark Raven” choice to make a real run. A Panthers/Ravens Super Bowl? That is possible, right? If so, I love it!
I know I said I wasn’t going to talk about the ‘Skins anymore this season, but it was just so embarrassing to see all the coverage of the Shanahan vs. Snyder Wars last week that I felt like I had to acknowledge just how fucking pathetic the ‘Skins have become (again). Every time I looked up from the bar I live at ESPN was focused on the whole nauseating display, which was completely ridiculous considering they were talking about a team that was (at the time) 3-10 with no hope of doing anything this season other than SUCK. Rumors swirled that Shanny was trying to get fired so he could walk with the seven million still owed to him by Danny-Boy. But wisely (for once), Snyder kept his mouth shut, everybody else said the right things, and RGIII accepted his new role backing up Kirk Cousins. Delusional ‘Skins fans lied to themselves en masse — maybe everything would be alright — that all the front-office bickering was a big misunderstanding, people were taking responsibility for their idiotic actions (Shanahan finally admitted that it had been a mistake to keep RG III in last year’s playoff game against the Seattle Seahawks) and the team was firmly behind their coach. RG III would get time to heal, and maybe the ‘Skins could get a few wins to close out the year on a positive note.
What a load of BULLSHIT!
Nevertheless it was off to Atlanta to play the equally pathetic (well, not quite…) Falcons, another team that had won their division last year only to find themselves 3-10 going into Sunday’s contest. So what happens? Despite a productive day from ‘Skins QB Kirk Cousins the ‘Skins committed SEVEN turnovers but somehow were still hanging in there until the last play, which came after Cousins drove the team 80 yards for a TD that brought them one chip shot away from tying the contest and sending it into overtime. But inexplicably Shanahan decides to go for two and the team fail, losing the game. It was a stupid fucking call — at least a controversial call — and Shanahan knew that. It’s just the type of call you think he would be bending over backwards to avoid. And then he proceeds to pour gas all over it by throwing a red-faced fit and walking out of his own post-game press conference. If that’s not a man who is trying to get fired then you can call me a Cowboys fan. And there is no relief in sight. I don’t think Snyder is going to fire Shanahan…his ego and cheapness will not allow him to. He’s not about to eat that seven mil., and his pride won’t let him succumb to Shanahan’s surreptitious campaign of bullshit. Shanahan will be back next year, and the pain for us Skins fans will continue.
Ugh. No more (that’s a lie). There are teams that matter and games that mean something. Let the flapping man-mouth-holes of the media debate the future of this hopelessly fucked up team. At least misery knows company, and there was plenty of that going around this past weekend.
The Cowboys’ pain is the only thing that offsets my own! Oh, Tony… I didn’t think I would ever say this but I think I feel bad for him. Then I remember that he used to fuck Jessica Simpson (before she got fat). If ever there was a guy set to fail it’s Dallas Cowboy QB Tony Romo. We have heard a lot lately about Tony’s famous December meltdowns; hell, we have witnessed them. As a ‘Skins fan whose team must play the Cowboys twice a year, I have never felt fear of Romo. Not the fear that Staubach or White or even Clint Longley used to inspire in me. You can pretty much count on the guy to flail, and like many I was mystified at Tony’s 100 gazillion dollar off-season deal. So yeah, I don’t feel bad for him. Maybe I feel bad for the Dallas fans who have done their job in supporting this guy. But after Tony’s clinic in stupidity against the Packers on Sunday, his reputation as a complete loser is forever sealed. Romo supposedly changed the play at the line twice in the game’s last few minutes, calling passes when there were runs planned — and keep in mind his team is leading at this point — and then proceeded to throw two interceptions which basically handed the game to the visiting Green Bay Packers in what was the biggest collapse in Cowboys history. Didn’t see Jerry on the sidelines after that! No, he was on the phone with Dan Snyder, circle-jerking over how much money they are worth. Assholes. Those two dudes have ruined what was once the best rivalry in the N.F.L.
Saints lose? Whats happening to my NFC Super Bowl pick? And the Broncos? Fraying a tad? Panthers and Seahawks looking strong, Bengals and Colts too. Lotsa shit going on, just have this little thing called GWAR to deal with! Gonna be a great playoff season. And big ups to the Kansas City Chiefs for laying 56 points on the Raiders. Did you know there were more points scored this weekend than any other weekend in N.F.L. history? O.K., I’m out, see ya next week and Happy Holidays!