...And F*ck You Too

99 Other Things Besides Headless Guitars That Vik Guitars’ Vik Kuletski Can No Longer Appreciate or Utilize On Account of Homosexuals

  • Axl Rosenberg

99 things vik cannot use anymore
Yesterday, we learned that Vik Guitars’ founder, Vik Kuletski, has declared that he doesn’t like headless guitars because they’re used by Cynic’s Paul Masvidal — who, along with the band’s drummer, Sean Reinert, recently discussed what it’s like to be gay and a part of the metal scene… the first time either musician had done so publicly.

Since Kuletski has now set a precedent of writing off any item used by homosexuals just on principle, there are an awful lot of things from which he is now going to have to abstain. That’s a rough break, but we appreciate that the luthier is standing by his principles! So to help Mr. Kuletski out, we made this list of other things frequently used and/or enjoyed by homosexuals, none of which will be at his disposal any longer, lest he have any overlap in taste preferences with gays and therefore be mistaken for a gay man himself. That list is as follows:

  1. Acoustic guitars that are not headless
  2. Amplifiers
  3. Drums
  4. Drum sticks
  5. Drum pedals
  6. Drum stools
  7. Cymbals
  8. Guitar picks
  9. Guitar strings
  10. Guitar pedals
  11. Guitar chords (strummed)
  12. Guitar chords (plugged in)
  13. Bass guitars
  14. Clean vocals sung by a man
  15. Clean vocals sung by a woman
  16. Death metal vocals
  17. Vocoders
  18. Stages and/or any area designated for the use of performers to entertain or address an audience
  19. Audiences
  20. Dressing rooms/green rooms
  21. Stairs
  22. Elevators
  23. Doors
  24. Windows
  25. Sound boards
  26. Sound mixers
  27. Concerts
  28. Concert promoters
  29. Music venues
  30. Band managers
  31. Booking agents
  32. Publicists
  33. Security guards
  34. Bartenders
  35. Catering and caterers
  36. Merch people
  37. Band merch
  38. Clothing in general, including footwear and undergarments
  39. Tour managers
  40. Guitar and drum techs
  41. Microphones
  42. Stage lights
  43. Tickets (physical or otherwise) and all other items denoting clearance for entry into an event (wristbands, hand stamps, passes, etc.)
  44. Record labels
  45. Record vendors (physical)
  46. Record vendors (online)
  47. Music videos
  48. Computers
  49. Anything related to the internet
  50. The word “cynic” and all variations thereof (e.g., “cynical,” “cynicism,” etc.)
  51. Death (the band)
  52. Death (the cessation of life)
  53. Any and all means of modern transportation, including but not limited to cars, buses, planes, trains, and walking.
  54. Gasoline
  55. Stretches
  56. Meditation
  57. Birds
  58. Head hair
  59. Facial hair
  60. Haircuts and shaving
  61. Language (verbal or written)
  62. Any object with which one might write or draw (pens, papers, markers, crayon, feces, etc.)
  63. Marijuana
  64. Clocks/watches
  65. Hugs
  66. Kisses
  67. Handshakes
  68. High fives
  69. Low fives
  70. Indoor plumbing
  71. Outdoor plumbing
  72. Soap and/or shampoo
  73. Deodorant
  74. All kinds of paper including toilet and tissue paper
  75. Tooth brushes
  76. Tooth paste
  77. All medicine save for leeches, which we can safely bet gays are not currently utilizing for medical purpose… however, should we learn that any gay men or women have an affinity for leeches, they will be added to this list immediately.
  78. Electricity
  79. Eyes
  80. Arms
  81. Hands
  82. Fingers
  83. Mouths
  84. Tongues
  85. Noses
  86. Ears (and sound in general, but once Kuletski cuts off his ears, that might be less of an issue)
  87. Penises (one’s own and/or those belonging to others)
  88. Vaginas (one’s own and/or those belonging to others)
  89. Anuses (one’s own and/or those belonging to others)
  90. Muscles
  91. Bones
  92. Flesh
  93. Blood
  94. The sun
  95. The moon
  96. The stars
  97. Food
  98. Water
  99. Oxygen

So, basically, Kuletski is fucked. GODDAMN HOMOS RUINED EVERYTHING!!!

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