Friday 5

Friday 5: Honorary Citizens Of Metal

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Happy Friday, MetalSucks reader! Welcome back to MetalSucks Friday 5, our new series that appears every Friday (duh) on MetalSucks (duhh) and involves the list of five (duhhh).

Here’s how it works: A list of the five best/worst/weirdest/whatever somethings is posted by one of your beloved MetalSucks contributors (or by one of our buds like you?). Then our cherished readers check it out, have a chuckle, then chime in with a list of the same. No sweat, just whatever springs to mind, k? (Just like that movie about those losers working at a Chicago record store!) After all, it’s Friday — the day dedicated by the gods to mindless, fun time-wasting. This week, let’s absorb some inside-outsiders!

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THE FIVE

The Five Most Metal Non-Metal People

THE LISTER

Godless, co-host of the MetalSucks Podcast

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1. Big Lurch

Honorary metal status to Texan rapper Big Lurch is a no-brainer. This dude is more metal than Faust, Varg, and Burzum’s momma combined: After killing his roommate, he then ate her liver. Could’ve been raw, could’ve cooked it (which wouldn’t be so bad), but my guess is Lurch wasn’t even sure where the liver is located in the body so he just started eating and ended up at the tasty bit. Some say he went crazy, others say he just got hungry. I say the dude just went black metal.

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2. Fiona Apple

This chick is all screwed up in the head and makes no bones about it. If she wasn’t famous she’d probably have a huge tattoo across her entire back of vultures on a tree or some shit. If just one chick-fronted metal band besides Otep was as fucked up as Apple, the metal world would be much richer. Holy shit, so metal I can barely stand it.

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3. Elliott Smith

Elliott Smith is the dude with an acoustic guitar who wrote all those sad songs for the movie Good Will Hunting. Sure, any self-respecting metalhead would have grabbed that acoustic, played the first four notes of “One,” and then smashed him over the head with it, but this dude did one better: stabbing himself in the chest until he died. Frickin’ metal as fuck.

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4. Barenaked Ladies

Honorary metal status is a slam-dunk for the motherfuckers behind “One Week.” First, it’s the most evil song ever recorded (next to Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire” and “We Built This City” by Jefferson Starship), and their repertoire also includes “Gordon,” one of the most metal non-metal debuts of all times. Back in the early 90’s these guys were taking no shit. While Nirvana and Pearl Jam were going mainstream, BNL were wondering what it was like to be a New Kid On The Block or have a box set. If I had a million dollars, I’d add these guys to the Summer Slaughter Tour.

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5. Scott Walker

Sure, Scott Walker has an collaboration upcoming with Sunn 0))), but this reclusive, twisted, go-fuck-yourself musician would be in this 5 anyway. Walker was the talented part of The Walker Brothers, who pop up hourly on Sirius’ ’60s channel and on every non-talk station in Florida. At the apex of their popularity, Walker fucked off to embark on a solo career that still makes David Lee Roth shit his pants. The dude went from Jacques Brel covers to increasingly darker shit – until he’s basically just clanging shit together and moaning on Tilt. Metal.

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Your turn! Have an awesome wknd!

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