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ACLU Demands Sunn O))) End Drone Program

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The Hard Times #MetalWeek DRONEIf you’re reading MetalSucks you’re surely familiar with The Hard Times, a site that masterfully and hilariously pokes holes in the punk community and whose satirical articles make us laugh on a daily basis. This week we’re teaming up with The Hard Times for #MetalWeek, in which the focus of their skewering shifts to all things brutal, frosty and grim, and your pals at MetalSucks and Metal Injection are along for the good times. 

SEATTLE – The American Civil Liberties Union filed suit today in King County District Court demanding experimental heavy metal band Sunn O))) end their drone program.

The suit claims the group’s controversial drones now pose a serious threat to the well being of American heavy metal. While many of the specific allegations have yet to be made public, we can report a central complaint of the suit is that Sunn O))) “…are very weird and not even really playing guitar.”

Harvard professor and civilian thrash advocate Patricia Maven believes the suit “…reflects a belief that’s been commonplace in the speed, death and thrash metal communities for many years. Namely, that Sunn O)))’s use of drones is dangerous and a threat to metal being kick ass.”

Supporters of the suit have come out of the woodwork to support the ACLU. “Look, a lot of people just don’t see the purpose of Sunn O)))’s drone usage. It is confusing and Americans are subjected to it without any due process,” said speed metal fan Terry Lincoln. “I was forced to listen to their ‘music’ for hours, and frankly, I would rather be waterboarded.”

Critics have accused the ACLU of simply not understanding emergent technology. Vape millionaire and SunnO))) rare vinyl investor Mink Darby believes that drones pose no serious threat to a metal scene dominated by conventional riffage and brutality. “Look, drone use is popular in China and in India, and the U.S. risks taking a huge step backwards if we give in to the will of luddite bros who just wanna take off their shirt and mosh their lives away to Slayer on CD,” said Darby. “It’s time to wake up and accept the fact that limited-run vinyl and craft cocktails are the future of extreme music.”

Though the outcome of the case is unclear, one member of the Federal judiciary put into perspective how difficult, and how personal, this issue can be. “I saw Gang Green in 1986,” said Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito. “I got three teeth knocked out in an absolutely brutal pit. And I didn’t do it so some art school jerks could spend their lunch money on old amps and call playing one note for nine minutes a song!”

Metal Week is a Hard Times production brought to you in collaboration with Metal Injection and Metal Sucks. Follow along on Twitter with #MetalWeek.

Article by Steven Kowalski @casimerkowalski.

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