Ask MetalGF: A New Advice Column Sure to Solve All Your Metal Problems


In addition to being MetalGF, I give advice for a living. I wanted to share this ability with you, dear readers of MetalSucks! Therapy is expensive, but this is free!

Hi MetalGF,
I’m a college freshman, planning to major in Greek Literature/Classics. There’s a girl in my intro-Bio class who, even though she sits WAY on the other side of the room, keeps making eyes at me, smiles when the professor does something silly, etc. Does this mean she likes me? Should I ask her out? What if she is gender non-binary? Do people even go on dates anymore? Any help would be EXTREMELY appreciated!
— Nervous and Cis in Peoria

College freshman! Is there any one on earth easier to hook up with? You guys and gals are horny AF and even more than that, you are desperate for experiences. I am sure this girl would love to consensually make out with you. You are at college to make friends and get HPV as much as you are there to learn. In fact, that shit IS learning. Everyone is eager and lonely and ready for anything. Chances are she will be thrilled to be talking to someone new and this can easily lead to texting/Pokemon messaging/etc, meeting up at a party or a dorm room and getting to at least first base!

I think the move is somehow ending up in the SAME PLACE AS HER outside of the direct classroom. Create a coincidence. Can you “run into” her going to or coming from class? Sparking a conversation should be easy in that setting (eg: “photosynthesis is the fucking worst, am I right?”). College Freshman are the most open to new people of any demographic. Worst case scenario, you become friends/acquaintances and when you run into each other in ten years, she’ll be like “I’ve known this guy since freshman year!” and you’ll hook up then instead. Get it, bro! Be brave! You are young and able. You got this.

Hello MetalGF,
Sorry if this is a stupid question, I’ve never read this website before but I have a metal problem. So here’s the deal: I’ve been dating this guy for a little over two months now, and last weekend we went to his hometown (in Pennsylvania, I won’t say exactly where) to visit his parents. When I saw his childhood bedroom, well, let’s just say, um, “ew.” There were posters with naked girls riding dragons with swords, piles of “180 gram vinyl” for some band “Deadheaven,” DVDs of monster movies or something else equally repulsive, etc. He works in finance in Newark and you’d never guess he would have this kind of past. Do I confront him about it? Is this guy a loser at heart? Am I overthinking this? THANK YOU!
— Loving Life in New Jersey

This guy DOES sounds like a loser! A real loser. Newark? Finance? GROSS. Run for your life.

Dear MetalGF,
My girlfriend HATES metal. She and her friends make fun of me for listening to it and think it’s for dweebs only. They laugh hysterically when I wear metal t-shirts and tell me to cut my hair.
— Teased in Tulsa

Quick question: Why do you guys have to wear your hobby on your clothes? You don’t see me wearing pants with images of me reading and throwing dinner parties. Can you not communicate your interests and passions with words instead of LITERALLY WEARING THEM ON YOUR SLEEVE? I can barely think of this occurring in another subculture! Even indie dweebs know there is nothing cool about wearing a Bright Eyes shirt in public (or private) and you don’t see pop music lovers regularly wearing t-shirts of their favorite bands unless they are under 12 . What is the deal with this? I don’t hold this against you but it is a fascinating phenomenon.

But I digress: As an outsider, metal can be very hard to understand. To an extent, it is your responsibility to earnestly help your gf understand it, or at least what it means to you if you really care about her and feel your relationship is worth that investment. I remember Vince explaining to me that just as hip hop derives from jazz, metal comes from classical music, and him playing me a metal song he thought I might like and telling me in detail about the sick drummer from a band he loves. Although this never helped me love metal, it made me love him and therefore accept what he loved. In the long run, having overlapping musical tastes isn’t the most important thing even though it can feel that way sometimes. Be patient; it can take a while and maybe she’s worth it (and maybe not). Time reveals a lot.

Dear MetalGF,
I’m a high school sophomore and I’ve been having a tough time. I can’t motivate myself to study for any of my classes, all of which I hate. The only thing that brings me joy is playing guitar and listening to music. My parents don’t understand this, though, and want me to focus more on my schoolwork. But if I’m just going to be a musician anyway, why do I need to study math? I just want to flash-forward to the part of my life where I’m on tour forever.
— ESPGuitarist472

Math and music are deeply and amazingly connected but more than that, life is long, complicated and requires a lot of money over time. Let me share a relevant tale with you: my dear co-worker is a gem! He is a truly talented musician, at both drums and guitar. His band does well too! They play in Brooklyn and all over the East Coast all the time and THEY TOUR EUROPE. They have fans, t-shirts, albums, etc. Do you know how much money this guy makes? ME NEITHER. However, I can tell you that homeboy works in my office BEHIND A DESK 9-5pm daily and this is how he has money. This is how he has an apartment and health insurance, and how he buys fancy sandwiches on our lunch break. More importantly, this is how he can afford to follow his passions, musical and otherwise. Our work is full time but he still considers it his side gig and his main gig is a musician. Even successful musicians do not make money. You need a second plan! This Plan B can be music-related of course and creative for sure, but you need a college degree for whatever that plan ends up being. You sound like a driven, talented person and this is a gift that few have. Treasure it. But having access to an education and parents who care is also a gift! You can have both. You NEED both. Your side gig can be school but stay in it and do well. You might even meet your future bandmates there. School offers all kind of capital that is useful in the world, social included. See you at graduation!

Please send real questions to [email protected]. I’m serious and I really want to help you.

twitter: @metalgf

Show Comments
Metal Sucks Greatest Hits